Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise

The most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex is,
"What time will your husband get home?"

An Englishman decided to take a holiday in New Zealand.
As he was walking down the country lanes one morning after his
breakfast, he happened upon a local having sex with a sheep in the
field.
"I say, old man," said the Englishman, "In my country we shear those."
"Bugger off, mate! I ain't shearin' this one with nobody!

A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, the secretary
stormed into his office.
"My salary's been cut in half!" she shrieked."
"That's right," the boss replied, "haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you. And I'm not
going to wear a condom either!," said the guy.
"Oh yes you are," said the girl!

There is a new deodorant for men called Umpire.
It's for foul balls.

Three blondes are sitting in a cafe talking about what to get their
boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice
when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for
Christmas."
"You know what," replied Jenny? "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked,
"When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth,"
exclaimed Candi!
"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blow-job is the best way to
keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift
for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it.
The next time they meet at the cafe it is Boxing Day and Candi is
sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa," Jenny asked? "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for," the Jenny asked?
"I don't know," Candi replied. "While I was giving him his Christmas
present like you two suggested, I mentioned how strange it was that
his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he
punched me."

Having lunch in the clubhouse this last weekend, I couldn't help but
overhear one woman golfer telling another,
"I got injured between the first and second hole."
"That's a bitch," said her friend, "You'll never get a Band-Aid to stick there!"


Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

The Dean of an all-women Christian college was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of
shame?"
A somewhat less-than-virginal-looking student in the back of the room
rose to ask a question of her own:
"How do you make it last an hour?

Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours late.
Does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room
asking to see the head nurse?