Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS


A prudish young maiden from Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
'til a Spanish grandee
Got her hot with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.

"Please ask your wives not to wear any panties that have Egyptian cotton.
Apparently, the cotton which comes from Egyptian sheep may be part of
an idolatry practice.
It is customary for the Egyptian man while having sex with the sheep
to scream out oh my G-D, oh my G-d.
This is obviously some sort of worship.
Therefore, until further clarification, we ask that all women in the
community not wear their underwear."

Without nipples,
Breasts would be pointless!

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says,
"I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked,
"Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"

Prostitute 1:
"What should we do tonight? Horror movies?"
Prostitute 2: "I say movies."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be
a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I
tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says.
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

What do people mean when they say their computer went down on them?

There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In
an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS
is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife holding a broom, and having the GUTS to ask "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS is arriving home late
after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
BALLS to say "Your next, Chubby" I hope this clears up the confusion
on the definitions. Medically speaking there is NO difference in the
outcome. Both result in death.

Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

An older couple, Esther and Morris are playing in the aleph annual
golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to
a 6 inch putt which Esther has to make.
The woman is trembling as she takes her stance.
Then, she putts and misses.
They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the husband, Morris, is fuming,
"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my putz!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!"

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a Blonde sitting by herself.
The man asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack