Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young stud from Missouri
Who f*cked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court,
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

Three two-letter words that denote small are,
"Is it in?"

The bar was getting ready to close,
So, John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weather girl talking about snowfall
when she revealed,
"I had a good eight inches last night."

I never realised I was so well endowed.
My wife has posted a picture of my penis on her Facebook page, along
with the comment;
"This is what I have to put up with."
And one of her friends has replied with
"Oh you poor girl, if my Dave had one that size, I'd never have got with him."
That explains why she doesn't want sex, probably hurts her too much.

He who eats too many prunes,
Sits on toilet many moons.

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand
across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:
"Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand
across his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does."

What's the difference between a thief and a pimp?
A thief is a purse snatcher.
A blonde orders a beer.
\The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts
to lick her breasts.
She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning,
"Geez, lady, Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!", says the blonde. "He has a licker license!"

Sex on beach is like American beer - f*ckin' near water.

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited.
He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the
finished product.
He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a
porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he
can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to
the theater where the picture is playing.
He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who
also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick
ever, group sex, S&M, golden showers, and then, halfway through, a dog
gets in on the action.
Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women
in every orifice, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers,
"I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers,
"We're here to see our dog."

Air planes and women are alike.
They both have cockpits.

She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And all night long,
It was honor and offer!