Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So, he says,
"Do you know me?"
To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,
"My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my behind with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

The nympho at the hotel pool was barred from the area
After the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in
the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth
floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator
doors, he said,
"Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you
keep stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor
manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering all over."

If she says she's into "bondage,"
Don't show her your financial portfolio.

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals who lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of his
apartment building in order to tan himself.
There, he sunbathed in the nude to prevent tan lines.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade.
But the young man was determined not to miss his date,
So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started to hurt him.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured cool milk
into a tall glass.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and immediately
experienced relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondered what he was doing, and wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"

They say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life
Because
If you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

When you cross a prostitute and a computer, you get a fuckin' know-it-all.

My name is Sergeant Friday.
I work on Tuesday.
Tuesday is my partner.
One night we went to a party.
On our way there, we had a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped;
I jacked, she pumped;
Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.
When we got to the party, we all felt merry.
Merry got mad and left.
We all jumped for Joy.
Joy got mad and left too.
Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.
We all had a piece.
Then we had some cake.
I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt;
I felt, she felt;
Then I looked under the couch for the keys.
Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.
Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit.
Broke three of my fingers.
I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.
Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.
So I did;
Then I left.

You can get AIDS from a toilet seat
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.