Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise

The most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex is,
"What time will your husband get home?"

An Englishman decided to take a holiday in New Zealand.
As he was walking down the country lanes one morning after his
breakfast, he happened upon a local having sex with a sheep in the
field.
"I say, old man," said the Englishman, "In my country we shear those."
"Bugger off, mate! I ain't shearin' this one with nobody!

A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, the secretary
stormed into his office.
"My salary's been cut in half!" she shrieked."
"That's right," the boss replied, "haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you. And I'm not
going to wear a condom either!," said the guy.
"Oh yes you are," said the girl!

There is a new deodorant for men called Umpire.
It's for foul balls.

Three blondes are sitting in a cafe talking about what to get their
boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice
when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for
Christmas."
"You know what," replied Jenny? "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked,
"When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth,"
exclaimed Candi!
"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blow-job is the best way to
keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift
for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it.
The next time they meet at the cafe it is Boxing Day and Candi is
sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa," Jenny asked? "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for," the Jenny asked?
"I don't know," Candi replied. "While I was giving him his Christmas
present like you two suggested, I mentioned how strange it was that
his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he
punched me."

Having lunch in the clubhouse this last weekend, I couldn't help but
overhear one woman golfer telling another,
"I got injured between the first and second hole."
"That's a bitch," said her friend, "You'll never get a Band-Aid to stick there!"


Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

The Dean of an all-women Christian college was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of
shame?"
A somewhat less-than-virginal-looking student in the back of the room
rose to ask a question of her own:
"How do you make it last an hour?

Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours late.
Does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room
asking to see the head nurse?

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Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

XX Jokes of the Day -


INTRODUCTION:
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands,
hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

Q. Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A. Outlaws are wanted!

Indiana Law
State government officials who engage in private duels can be
dismissed from their post.

The Pun Reference Library Part 1
Hot Dog!: Frank Furter
No More Circuit Breakers!: Ira Fuse
Nuclear Power Bafflement: Ken Fusion*
Rangers In The Night: Forrest Fyar*
It's Magic!: Sven Gali
Put'er There, Pal!: Greg Garious*
Self Denial Made Easy: Abner Gation*
Crocodile Dundee: Ali Gator
Pain Relief: Ann L. Gesick(6)
As Solid as...: Rocco Gibraltar(b)
Options Trading: June Gold*
Surprised!: Omar Gosh
Life Six Feet Under: Doug Graves*
Artificial Weightlessness: Andy Gravity
Car Repairs: Axel Grease*
It's Springtime!: Theresa Green*
Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn*
Geez, It's Hot!: Mike Hammeldyed(j)
Keep it Clean!: Armand Hammer
Mountain Climbing: Andover Hand
Volunteer's Guidebook: Linda Hand*
Errors and Accidents: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
Tug of War: Paul Hard
I Love You!: Alma Hart
Battle Axes: Tom A. Hawk(a)
Repent At Leisure: Marion Hayste*
Kindergarten Kop II: Bea Hayve*
Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights*
I Hate Fighting: Boris Hell
The Squeaking Gate: Rusty Hinges*
Woulda Been A Great Shortstop: Kent Hitt*
Pull with All You've Got!: Eve Ho
Cab Calloway's Garden: Heidi Ho*
The Garden State: Ida Hoe*
How I Won The Marathon: Randy Hoelway*
House Construction: Bill Jerome Holme(6)
Laid Off!: Gwen Home*
Poetry in Baseball: Homer
Shoes For Farm And Ranch: Claude Hopper*
Equine Leg Cramps: Charlie Horse
How to Cook a Steak: Porter House(n)
How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm*
Split Personalities: Jacqueline Hyde*
Preparing Leather: Tanya Hyde*
Cloning: Irma Dubble II
Unsolved Mysteries: N. Igma(5)
It's All In Your Head: Madge Ination*
Wind In The Maple Trees: Russell Ingleaves*
Neat Shirts: Preston Ironed
The Last Roundup: Brandon Irons*
Mardi Gras Time: Lou Isiana*
The Shrinking Society: Les Ismoor*
The Spiritual Life: Ned Itation(l)
Jewish Mysticism: Lev Itation(l)
Mosquito Bites: Ivan Itch
Don't Do Anything Rash: Jacques Itch*
Inflammation, Please!: Arthur It is*
Hunger In America: Heywood Jafeedme*
Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
You're Kidding!: Shirley U. Jest
Unemployed: Anita Job(b)
Covered Walkways: R. Kade(6)


The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems.
The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller.
He suggested special shoes with built-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life
with the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
"My wife quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
:Once more my wife quietly said," That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
"My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at
me and quietly said, "That's once."


Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded
10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends you a warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to
play all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the roaches.

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There are three ways to get something done:
Do it yourself, hire someone,
Or
Forbid your kids to do it.

Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality
By spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
Nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark,
But the truth is that most people are afraid of the light.

Employ teenagers -
While they know everything.

Age is a case of mind over matter.
If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.

If a man speaks in the forest,
And there's no woman to hear him...
Is he still wrong?

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Fwd: Today's Chuckle - Abe & Esther

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news, our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to
land on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to
live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we
pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send that cheque too," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the instalment cheque
for Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers "They'll find us!"

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Fwd: PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD [2 Attachments]

I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in English
language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep. UP



Read until the end ... You'll laugh.



This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].




It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?



At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why
are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss
UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We
call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and fix UP the old car.



At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.



To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it
is blocked UP..



We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!




To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word
UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost
1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.




If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many
ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you
don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could
go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . My time is UP!



Oh . . . One more thing: What is the first thing you do in the
morning and the last thing you do at night?



U



P!



Did that one crack you UP?

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Fwd: : Life Is Pornography!

XXXXX


Virginity is like a Balloon,
One prick and it's gone for
ever!

Sex is like a pack of Chips,
Once you start!
You can't stop!

An Exam paper is like a
Dick, When it's hard!
People get fucked!

Education is like hiring a
prostitute, It needs both
Your money and your
Hardwork



Success is like
Masturbating, Only your
Own hand can let you
Achieve it!

Life without Friends is like
Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S
POINTLESS !

Fuck a woman and she
Loves you. Love a woman
when she Fucks you.

MBBS Final Exam question
paper: Fill in the blanks. If a
woman faints, we must first
check her pu_s_. Only few
students who wrote: 'Pulse'
passed.

The saddest part of a Man's
body is his Balls. They are
sentenced to Hang Till
Death!


Boy: How much Calcium is
there in women's BREASTS?
Girl: It Enough to help a
Man's Boneless Thing
stand up

Give an example of Total
Business Failure due to
Negligence. A Pregnant
Prostitute

If Necessity is the Mother
of Invention, Then
Frustration is the Father of
Masturbation!

If your Boss says: Nothing
is Impossible ask him to
wear condom after sex!

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

Can you get hearing aids from phone sex?

An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time.
Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman.
"Come here often?" he asked.
"Not really," he replied. "I usually wait until I get home."

How is it that women pee every 10 to 15 minutes;
Yet, they are always retaining water?


The trial on pornography ended with a hung jury.

"Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do
you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything, It usually comes without being called."

Said the little bell to the big bell,
"You might have a bigger dong than I have, but I do more ringing."

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!"
the society matron protested.
"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died
in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.
"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

It is good for woman to meet man in park,
But
Better for man to park meat in woman

Yesterday it was Bingo evening at the Church.
Eventually, one of the ladies shouted "Bingo!" and the old lady next
to me muttered, "F**k me!"
When all the commotion died down, how could I have possibly known that
it was not an invitation?


Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything,
They just moan and scream a lot.

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Fwd: At Last Texting Codes for Seniors !

At Last Senior Texting Codes !

Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help.
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS


A prudish young maiden from Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
'til a Spanish grandee
Got her hot with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.

"Please ask your wives not to wear any panties that have Egyptian cotton.
Apparently, the cotton which comes from Egyptian sheep may be part of
an idolatry practice.
It is customary for the Egyptian man while having sex with the sheep
to scream out oh my G-D, oh my G-d.
This is obviously some sort of worship.
Therefore, until further clarification, we ask that all women in the
community not wear their underwear."

Without nipples,
Breasts would be pointless!

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says,
"I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked,
"Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"

Prostitute 1:
"What should we do tonight? Horror movies?"
Prostitute 2: "I say movies."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be
a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I
tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says.
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

What do people mean when they say their computer went down on them?

There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In
an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS
is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife holding a broom, and having the GUTS to ask "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS is arriving home late
after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
BALLS to say "Your next, Chubby" I hope this clears up the confusion
on the definitions. Medically speaking there is NO difference in the
outcome. Both result in death.

Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

An older couple, Esther and Morris are playing in the aleph annual
golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to
a 6 inch putt which Esther has to make.
The woman is trembling as she takes her stance.
Then, she putts and misses.
They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the husband, Morris, is fuming,
"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my putz!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!"

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a Blonde sitting by herself.
The man asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

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Fwd: Wonderfully British

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.


"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You
think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

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Fwd: GANDHI

No Violence.....No anger....No temper.....and yet a most emphatic Win !!! SS

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London,
there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity
for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him,
their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the
University And Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the
professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do
not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to
which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ",
and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test,
but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters
asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down
the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom
and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the
wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one take what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word
"idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits
down.
A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr.
Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

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Fwd: A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the
language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of
twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A
good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking
down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and
attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the
other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that
woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned
around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her
apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the
other $125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see
you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.
He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His
lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified
length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of
the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was
rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half
of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is
restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the
defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and
amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his
defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to
present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine
piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a
degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my
client found a well on the property around which he placed his own
stones,sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore,
ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the
defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented
the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant
removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.
In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery,
but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy,
making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask
that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance
$125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current
location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed,
By the breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless I am wrong,
You're expecting this line to be lewd.

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is,
Two Mennonite!

The similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken is
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
All you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Confucius say,
"Woman who pounces on dead rooster go down on limp cock ."

A young couple were in a car parked on lovers lane and the young man
turned admiringly to his pretty date and said,
"Wow, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something? "
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new
perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind.
"You smell good, too, " she said. "what do you have on? "
"Well, I have a hard-on, " blurted the young man, "but I didn't know
that you could smell it! "

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
Men will screw anything.

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says,
"He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good
worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can
help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says,
"No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every
weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go
over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder
and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know,
I'm screwing her."
The boss says,
"You screw your sister?"
The guy says,
"Hey, I told you I was sick."

There's no business like show business,
But
There's no job like a blow job.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
'revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message,
'genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins
'behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads,
'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

I always put sun cream on for protection,
It doesn't work that well though.
I've got nine kids.

Nina and Rosey hadn't seen each other for years.
When they finally sat down to lunch, Nina was stunned at how trim and
healthy Rosey looked.
"My God," she said,
"What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Rosey, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than
having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Nina, looking her friend up and down. "You simply
must tell me who does your catering!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

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Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fwd: SEX AFTER SURGERY----bd

SEX AFTER SURGERY

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported

that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's

Hospital, claiming that after her husband had surgery

there, he lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied:



"Mr. Maynard was admitted in

Ophthalmology - all we did was

correct his eyesight."

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Fwd: 18 Things to Learn About Anger - Very Beneficial

The strong man is not the good wrestler, the strong man is the one who
controls himself when
he is angry. - Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)

----

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is
stored than to anything on
which it is poured - Mark Twain

----

Your anger is evidence that you want things to go your way and not the
way God wants
- Al Ghazali

----

"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding." - Gandhiji

----

A Moment of Patience in a Moment of Anger saves a thousand Moments of Regret

----

The one that angers you Controls you. Don't give anyone that power !

----

Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind

-----

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Fwd: Prince Philip's quotes

1. China State Visit, 1986
If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed.

2. To a blind women with a guide
"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?"

3. To an Aborigine in Australia
"Do you still throw spears at each other?"

4. To his wife, the Queen, after her coronation
"Where did you get the hat?"

5. When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union
"The bastards murdered half my family"

6. To a Briton in Budapest
"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly."

7. To a driving instructor in Scotland
"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them
through the test?"

8. After the Dunblane shooting
"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school
and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could
do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?"

9. To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea
"You managed not to get eaten, then?"

10. To Elton John after hearing Elton had sold his Gold Aston Martin
"Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car - we often see it when
driving to Windsor Castle."

11. On the London Traffic Debate
"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion.
If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion."

12. To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes
"You look like you're ready for bed!"

13. Unknown
"If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two
things: it's either a new woman or a new car!"

14. On key problems facing Brazil
"Brazilians live there"

15. To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean
"You have mosquitos. I have the Press"

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Fwd: FW: I'm Hot Today

Dale was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to
get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital... He
ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round
the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you
will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to
be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So, he says,
"Do you know me?"
To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,
"My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my behind with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

The nympho at the hotel pool was barred from the area
After the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in
the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth
floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator
doors, he said,
"Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you
keep stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor
manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering all over."

If she says she's into "bondage,"
Don't show her your financial portfolio.

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals who lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of his
apartment building in order to tan himself.
There, he sunbathed in the nude to prevent tan lines.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade.
But the young man was determined not to miss his date,
So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started to hurt him.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured cool milk
into a tall glass.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and immediately
experienced relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondered what he was doing, and wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"

They say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life
Because
If you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

When you cross a prostitute and a computer, you get a fuckin' know-it-all.

My name is Sergeant Friday.
I work on Tuesday.
Tuesday is my partner.
One night we went to a party.
On our way there, we had a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped;
I jacked, she pumped;
Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.
When we got to the party, we all felt merry.
Merry got mad and left.
We all jumped for Joy.
Joy got mad and left too.
Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.
We all had a piece.
Then we had some cake.
I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt;
I felt, she felt;
Then I looked under the couch for the keys.
Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.
Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit.
Broke three of my fingers.
I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.
Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.
So I did;
Then I left.

You can get AIDS from a toilet seat
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

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Fwd: To Be 8 again!

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
Looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
Far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
Down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a
Chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! Retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO ALL THE MEN & WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young stud from Missouri
Who f*cked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court,
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

Three two-letter words that denote small are,
"Is it in?"

The bar was getting ready to close,
So, John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weather girl talking about snowfall
when she revealed,
"I had a good eight inches last night."

I never realised I was so well endowed.
My wife has posted a picture of my penis on her Facebook page, along
with the comment;
"This is what I have to put up with."
And one of her friends has replied with
"Oh you poor girl, if my Dave had one that size, I'd never have got with him."
That explains why she doesn't want sex, probably hurts her too much.

He who eats too many prunes,
Sits on toilet many moons.

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand
across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:
"Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand
across his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does."

What's the difference between a thief and a pimp?
A thief is a purse snatcher.
A blonde orders a beer.
\The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts
to lick her breasts.
She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning,
"Geez, lady, Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!", says the blonde. "He has a licker license!"

Sex on beach is like American beer - f*ckin' near water.

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited.
He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the
finished product.
He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a
porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he
can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to
the theater where the picture is playing.
He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who
also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick
ever, group sex, S&M, golden showers, and then, halfway through, a dog
gets in on the action.
Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women
in every orifice, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers,
"I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers,
"We're here to see our dog."

Air planes and women are alike.
They both have cockpits.

She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And all night long,
It was honor and offer!

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Fwd: When Insults Had Class

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
(MY favorite, MJ)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho

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