What is your problem?

I am a single woman in my 30s, and I would like to have a baby on my
own. I don't want to go to a sperm bank —too anonymous—and I'm lucky
because I have four very acceptable guy friends, any of whom I think
would be a willing donor if I choose to go that route.

I've made lists of their various attributes, and they all basically
even out in the end. The only place where they really differ is in
their level of academic achievement, specifically where they went to
college. Two went to Ivy League schools (Harvard, Columbia), one went
to Duke, and one went to a second-tier state school, the University of
Kansas. I assume their undergraduate choices had to do with their SAT
scores (I don't know how they did on standardized testing, and I think
it might be rude to ask).

 So, those choices do seem pertinent. How much should I weigh this in
making my decision?

Dear D.S.,

To avoid making such a difficult decision---

I suggest you collect sperm from all four men, combine the donations
in a test tube, and inject this potent mixture using the traditional
turkey-baster method.

Whichever sperm outswims, outfights, or outfoxes the others will
fertilize your egg, which is as it should be, because I think the most
ruthless and mercenary sperm is axiomatically the best sperm for you.
I suspect that the University of Kansas sperm will win this
competition. Just look at the school's football program: while not on
a par with Auburn or LSU, it could crush Harvard or Columbia--Duke
guys would be too drunk.