XX - Adult Puns!

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and
told the others:
"I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed.
"Let me try", the Englishman said.
So, he put his organ in the water, waited and said:
"To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the Nigerian man said,
"Let me have a try".
So, he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:
"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him,
"A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick."
"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.
He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how
desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried
to figure out what to do.
As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young
ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that
he now sported a raging hard on.
Finally, he struck up a course of action.
He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly,
"Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a
lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.
She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and
straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch
before it gets away!"

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing.
They were both stuck up bitches.

Two co-workers are leaving the office.
"I can't wait to get home," says one of them.
"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even
married any longer." "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're
killing me."

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills.
I can't afford to get pregnant!"
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy,"
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

A young Aussie joins the navy.
On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware
of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know."
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port.
The father was on the dock waiting for his son.
The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.
"Well on, how did it go?"
"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was
out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my
shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling,
"THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"

A man asked his wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never at home!"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied,
"I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple,
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied,
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"