During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin
When asked why he had such a long password :
''Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start
gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle repeatedly for about ½ an
hour".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk I gargled repeatedly for ½ an hour with chamomile tea and
he never touched me.
Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
Expressions Explained, Part I
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.
One's image was either sculpted or painted.
Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk
with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both
arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to
be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
---
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year
(May and October)!
Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because
of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.
Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs.
So, to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in
the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.
The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."
Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
---
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.
Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining.
The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone
else ate sitting on the floor.
Occasionally, a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit
in this chair during a meal.
To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.
They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."
Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or
"Chairman of the Board."
---
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.
As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.
The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out
their complexions.
When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at
another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."
In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would
melt...therefore, the expression "losing face."
Expressions Explained, Part II
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.
A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.
---
Common entertainment included playing cards.
However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
applicable to the "Ace of Spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to
be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
---
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
the people considered important.
Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent
their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns.
Many assistants were dispatched at different times.
You go sip here" and "You go sip there."
The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the
local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
---
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and
quart-sized containers.
A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.
She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in
"pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your
"P's and Q's."
Crude but funny.
If you are a prude dont check this out.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not
stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Some of these are REALLY crude.
So if you are a Prude go to the next post..
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
Blondes usually turn on the lights after having sex by opening the car door.
This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't
having any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks
Frank, the husband. "What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently. The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then
asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's
icky. So, I shoot it into the pillow."
"Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?"
"Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, 'So! Is this how it's
going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?'"
"Typical! What did you tell her?"
"I said, 'Gee, I hope so!'"
A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and
a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man,
"My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning. Left
one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for
tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady,
"I don't believe it."
Young lady said,
"You can try it if you want."
Young man said,
"OK, come to my hotel room and prove it to me."
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the
young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning.
After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.
Again, nothing happened.
The young man soon give up and ask the lady,
"Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and t reble/bass nipples
there are no response."
The sexy lady replied,
"You forgot to plug in your power."
Women are like roads.
Both have manholes.
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."
Become an amateur gynaecologist.
Look up a friend today.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?"
The father replied,
"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her
husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should
become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer
list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation,
"Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the
missionary position."
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and hoot you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Once you have understood these rules - please complete the application form below -
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________
INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY___________ POSTCODE______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ___________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a bakkie? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother?_____________
Priest or Pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________
______________________________________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Minister/Priest Government Representative
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
The English are feeling the pinch due to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are as usual preparing pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". There are three more escalation levels : "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
------------------------------
They omitted the Sri Lankan approach.
Being a mature and sophisticated people not easily aroused to violence, we have a gradual and well calibrated system. We start with 'umbata pissuda ?' and escalate from 'mala karadarayak' to 'ona magulak unave, mama yanava yanna' to 'gahuvoth gahanava', 'panata aadarenang navaththapang' and finally 'umbe ammata .....'
_________________________________________________________________________________
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.
NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY.......
Retirement Sex!!!!
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
________________________________
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
________________________________
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for
'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
______________________________
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
________________________________
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
________________________________
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex...
He could also fly.'
________________________________
An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words have a
seemingly self-contradictory effect
1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
10) Original copies
11) Blonde Intelligence
12) Beaurocratic efficiencies
And the best of all is
13) Happily Married
There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and
told the others:
"I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed.
"Let me try", the Englishman said.
So, he put his organ in the water, waited and said:
"To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the Nigerian man said,
"Let me have a try".
So, he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:
"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.
A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him,
"A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick."
"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."
A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.
He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how
desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried
to figure out what to do.
As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young
ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that
he now sported a raging hard on.
Finally, he struck up a course of action.
He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly,
"Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a
lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.
She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and
straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch
before it gets away!"
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing.
They were both stuck up bitches.
Two co-workers are leaving the office.
"I can't wait to get home," says one of them.
"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even
married any longer." "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're
killing me."
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills.
I can't afford to get pregnant!"
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy,"
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
A young Aussie joins the navy.
On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware
of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know."
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port.
The father was on the dock waiting for his son.
The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.
"Well on, how did it go?"
"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was
out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my
shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling,
"THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"
A man asked his wife during a recent love-making session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never at home!"
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied,
"I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple,
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied,
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
Some are real CRUDE
*One day Jimmy and his dad are out for a walk in the park.
Jimmy sees a dead bird with its legs up in the air and says,
"Daddy why is the birds legs sticking up in the air like that?"
Not knowing how to explain death he says to 4 year old Jimmy,
"Well, that is how we know the bird is ready go to heaven.
God is coming to take the bird away."
Little Jimmy says,
"So, then Mr. Reamer from next door is a hero then!?"
With a peculiar look on his face he asks,
"Mr. Reamer a hero? What do you mean, Jimmy!?"
Jimmy begins to explain,
"Last week when you were at work. I saw mommy and Mr. Reamer in the
bedroom. Mommy was on her back with her feet in the air screaming,
"Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming,' and Mr. Reamer was laying on top of
her holding her down screaming 'Not Yet, Not Yet!'"
Smart Ass:
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavour it is.
Rodeo Sex is mounting your woman from behind, start going nice and
slowly, taking her hair and pulling her head back slightly, whispering
in her ear,
"Your sister was better than you," and then trying to hold on for 08 seconds!
95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 05% are perfect ass holes!
A hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box
of condoms.
The druggist says,
"How old are you, son?"
The kid replies,
"Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says,
"Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid.
"What kind of condoms do you want?"
The kid tells him,
"Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says,
"Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"
The movie "Constipated " never came out.
"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother, "and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks;
They were really forrible huckers;
They had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly, there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage
with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the cloc k struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out
tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella
lived hers with a follen swanny.
Confucius say:
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse".
Oh Lord,
Please make my words
Sweet and tender,
For tomorrow...
I may have to eat them.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Speak when you are angry and you will
Make the best speech you will ever regret.
It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like
a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.
If you tell the truth
You don't have to remember anything.
This is a little crude - so if you are a prude do not look at it....
You need click on the image to enlarge...
Then use the back arrow to return to the site.
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years
old, has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and
walking slowly.
One student said to her friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell
us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two
fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I
was wrong, too!"
A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female
moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and
no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states
formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A
horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very
large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from
this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Upon reaching 61, Bob decided to retire. Now after having him under
foot for a few months, his wife became very 'agitated' with him. She
suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club
or get a hobby. Bob obliged.. and went out for a couple of hours..
When he got home, his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I
just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And Oh Yeah, I
joined a parachute club.
"What?
Are you nuts?
You're 61 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes???"
"Yeah, look.. I even got a Membership Card."
"You crazy old bugger.. where's your glasses???
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
BRAINS OF BRITAIN.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No.
They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues:
What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm.
Stewart White:
Correct.
And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and
What was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then.
So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country.
Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry.
Let's try another question.
In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one.
Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know.
I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue.
It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ....
Richard:
He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country.
So, in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ............ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line.
Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no.
The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way.
Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day..
Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer
all the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella...
THAT'S FAITH
2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you
will catch her...
THAT'S TRUST
3.Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the
next Morning but still we set the alarms in our watch to wake up...
THAT'S HOPE
4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the
future or having any certainty of uncertainties...
THAT'S CONFIDENCE
5. We see the world suffering. We know there is every possibility of
same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married??...
THAT'S OVER CONFIDENCE!!
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rafil Hamid <rafil1604@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 4, 2010 at 2:04 AM
Subject: LANKAN Government's LATEST TAX CODE - 2010......... please
pay attention !!!!
To:
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2010, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax 20.00
10 - 20 cm. Privilege Tax 100.00
20 - 25 cm Pole Tax 200.00
25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax 300.00
Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.
Those under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION...
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read
the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle .
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at GeorgetownUniversity
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors
to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature
is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.
-- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Chutzpah (pronounced hootz-paah) is a Yiddish word meaning gall,
brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and,
as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, in no other language, can do it
justice. This example is better than 1,000 words...
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each... Every day a young man would leave his office building at
lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a
quarter, but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."
An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman:
"Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat."
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------From
- Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table..
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have
a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is
yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She
hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever and sometimes evil. Don't mess with them.
1.. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too...
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . .. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap.. I bet you
can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same
time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… "
