Sunday, August 30, 2009

A Indian Abroad

An Indian goes goes to Woolworth. He finds cat food at special prices.
He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat
and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have
cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy
the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a
dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat
but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his
kids.

He asks The Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him
have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworth with a bag. He asks the
manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He
shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this?! This is shit you
Bas****?!? the Indian calmly replies: and I want to buy toilet paper.

Read More...

A little naughty ...

Sardarji: I divorced my wife on the 1st nite..
Frnd: Why?
Sardar: I saw the lebel on her panties, "Tested OK by Mafatlal & Sons."

2... Sardar: Yaar my wife is very scared of water.
Frnd: How did you know?
Sardar: Twice when i got home i saw her having a bath with the security guard


3.The Nurse was taking a blood sample from sardar. She held his finger
and squeesed
for the blood. So the Sardar laughed.
Nurse: Why did you laugh
Sardar: after this it is the urine test.


4. Husband & wife having dinner together.
Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.
Husband: Ur nipples r bettr than ur sister's!

5. On the first night of the marraige the husband gives the wife Rs.500 and says

    " I have never done this for free"
    Wife returns rs.200 and says
    "i have not charged more than this before"

Read More...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

CABINET FOR SALE

Do feel free to forward to anybody that speaks with a strange accent,
celebrates Christmas in the summer and is walking around looking
miserable…!


FOR SALE - GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVEAWAY!!!!!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below

DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display
cabinets currently on the market, used to hold all the Australian
sporting trophies

Features

Fine timber details
4 leadlight options
4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
Halogen down lights
Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of
collectables from top to bottom.

To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:

Rugby League World Cup
Rugby Union World Cup
International Rules Trophy
Tri Nations Trophy
Super-12 Trophy
Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
Davis Cup
Hockey World Championship Trophy
Various  Cricket Trophy's
The Ashes

plus the

Bledisloe Cup.
2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests
2009 SA/Australia One Day Series

All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to
requirements.

To make an offer call R. Stuart, R. Ponting, S Mortlock or P.
Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning
under the weight of all the trophies!"

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT

Read More...

Friday, August 28, 2009

Brotherly Love

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and
sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in
the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left
home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the
same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"

He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is . .

I have quit drinking"!!!

Read More...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak....He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust
of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.  "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good
news is that
you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was
very little
internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.  "Is your
sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly" answered the doctor.  "She's a flute player in the
Syracuse Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss
in your eye."

Read More...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

X- TAKE ME!

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,
When a  man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told
him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

 And that's when I shot him, the f---ing bastard!

Read More...

XX - NORM and the wife..

Norm and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that
she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Norm says...

'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.  Tell him that you
charge a hundred dollars.  Any questions, I'll be parked around the
corner.'

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,

'How much?   She says,  'A hundred dollars.' !!!

He says, 'All I got is thirty babe' !!!

She says, 'Hold on,' and runs back to Norm and asks...

'What can he get for thirty?

'A hand job,' Norm replied!!!!

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job.

He agrees.  She gets in the car.  He unzips his pants, and out pops
this "HUGE" penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says.. 'I'll be right back.' !!!

She runs back to Norm.

'What's wrong?' .. he asks???

'Any chance you could lend this guy 70 bucks?!!'

Read More...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Miss Bill Clinton .............. !!!

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he
misses Bill Clinton.

Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we
ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the
sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly
white women.

 Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets
a check from the government every month .  Manufacturers announced
today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with
"Clinton Soup" in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line  to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he
thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never
had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but
what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as
the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

Read More...

New Recruitment Procedure for hiring in 2010

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an
Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.

If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the Accounts
Department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in Auditing ...

If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations .

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks
Into pieces.
Put them in Information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried
Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has
Been moved. Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for
The day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the
Window.
Put them on Strategic
Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
Has beenMoved.

Congratulate them and put them
In Top Management

 

Read More...

Monday, August 24, 2009

The crowd over 30..

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

 When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

 And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!


But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
damn Utopia!

 And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!

 I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!

 There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10
cents!

 Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ
would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were
no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite
tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.
Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

 We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your
school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!

 We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple
levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder
and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

 You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO
REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
rats!


And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we
had to use the stove! Imagine that!

 That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back
in 1980 or before!


Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

 

Read More...

Two methods of showering - hilarious

How To Shower ~ Like a Woman


Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you

see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower ~ Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off..


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to
bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Read More...

women's favorite email for the year!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M .
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the mutton chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to
bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"

The
Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were..
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

Read More...

Dr WOOOOOOO Ha

I love this Doctor!! DR. liv Long.Chong


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is
also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -

Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and

screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND ....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ha!!!

Read More...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Driver's License( I just love this joke)

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license..
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

Read More...

Good One

 A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the
gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show
a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing
flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 

Read More...

Friday, August 21, 2009

XXX - Gems of wisdom

Some of these "gems" are real risque.

Please do not read if you are a prude.

........................................................

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you
realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but
always remember who laid them!

Money is just like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !

Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work .

Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for
erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

Men play the game. Women know the score.

A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart
receives love. Who opens her legs receives HAPPENIS.

Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands
for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the
same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Definition of divorce..... ..She gets the ring and the man
gets the finger!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."

Confucius say......man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!

A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is
the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted!

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after,
but instead of.

Read More...

The Cowboy at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  'Have you
ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

 'On  a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.  I warned them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face
... kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of
all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

Read More...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A new baby ....

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

 When the baby was born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies
are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in
the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the
delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

 "Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy
  babies and yet our baby is so happy.

 "This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

  The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch  what
happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

Read More...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Of preposition and participle

 One for the language fanatics amongst us...

On my 75th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed
my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me,
and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have
ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until
the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me
in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
for?"

And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition !
Otherwise you end up with a dangling participle.

Read More...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

X - Old and still horny

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks, "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?"

Read More...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all.  Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse
for the last 25 years."

Read More...

Lawyer

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the
lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry,
I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?

Read More...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A million Bucks

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when
Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches,
He asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
He replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a
Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my
Tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for
A million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks... Flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Read More...

VERY INSPIRING

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're
retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine,
Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

Read More...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Postman

One Monday morning the Postman is walking ( ? ) through the
neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches
one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk
around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman (McCoy) thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs (in true McCoy fashion) and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up
seven times..

Read More...

Monday, August 10, 2009

A Paki At Aussie Immigration....

Not so long ago, a rich Pakistani went to
 Australia to watch the cricket series there. The Aussie at
 passport control sat fingering through his passport for a
 long time. Unable to find any thing objectionable,
 he growled: 'Have you got a criminal record?'
The Pakistani smiled and replied, 'I am
terribly sorry, sir; unfortunately, I don't have one.
 Nobody told me that it was "still" a requirement to get into
 your country.'

Read More...

Never Lie To Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they
took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and
was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to
say hi and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that
the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges  and got at the end of the
line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?' She said, 'I just
take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!' The policeman
fainted.

Read More...

Friday, August 07, 2009

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:

Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with

Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails

To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Read More...

Monday, August 03, 2009

The top TEN languages in the world.

10. French -- Number of speakers: 129 million.
Often called the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken
in tons of countries, including Belgium, Canada, Rwanda, Cameroon, and
Haiti.
Oh, and France too.
We're actually very lucky that French is so popular, because without
it, we might have been stuck with Dutch Toast, Dutch Fries, and Dutch
kissing (ew!).
To say "hello" in French,
Say, "Bonjour" (bone-JOOR).


9. Malay—Indonesian Number of speakers: 159 million.
Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia.
Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are
many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian.
But, they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which
makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.
Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000
islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world.
Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including
the island of Borneo), and is mostly known for its capital city of
Kuala Lumpur.
To say "hello" in Indonesian,
Say, "Selamat pagi" (se-LA-maht PA-gee).


8. Portuguese -- Number of speakers: 191 million.
Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th
Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all
over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco DA
Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator.
(Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . Could you imagine if a guy
named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?)
Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language
established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where
it's the national language), Macau, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.
To say "hello" in Portuguese,
Say, "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah).


7. Bengali -- Number of speakers: 211 million
In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody
speaks Bengali.
And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the
population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you
pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher
than most people would expect.
To say "hello" in Bengali,
Say, "Ei Je" (EYE-jay).


6. Arabic -- Number of speakers: 246 million
Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle
East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait,
Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt.
Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Noble Koran,
millions of Moslems in other countries speak Arabic as well.
So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic.
In fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the
United Nations.
To say "hello" in Arabic,
Say, "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom) .


5. Russian -- Number of speakers: 277 million.
Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the
millions of Russian speakers out there.
Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies.
Now we think of them as our Commie friends.
One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the
Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name
just a few places).
To say "hello" in Russian,
Say, "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet- yah).


4. Spanish -- Number of speakers: 392 million
Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is
spoken in just about every South American and Central American
country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S.
There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S.,
As many English words are borrowed from the language, including:
tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco Grande
supreme.
To say "hello" in Spanish,
Say, "Hola" (OH-la).


3. Hindustani -- Number of speakers: 497 million.
Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and
it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly
spoken is Hindi).
While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that
of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from
surpassing the most popular language in the world.
If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy
way: rent an Indian movie.
The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making
thousands of action/romance/ musicals every year.
To say "hello" in Hindustani,
Say, "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay) .


2. English -- Number of speakers: 508 million.
While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official
language of more countries than any other language.
Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S.,
Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa,
and Canada.
We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty
comfortable with the language already.
Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world.
To say "hello" in English,
Say, "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek) .


1. Mandarin -- Number of speakers: 1 billion+.
Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is
based in the most populated country on the planet, China.
Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that
lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn.. Speaking
Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in
four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble
distinguishing one tone from another.
But, if over a billion people could do it, so could you.
Try saying hello!
To say "hello" in Mandarin,
Say, "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW).
("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you
let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.)

Read More...

New Computer Virus' Alert

LEWINSKY VIRUS --

Sucks all the memory out of your computer...then e-mails everyone
about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS --

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS --

Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS --

Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS --

Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS --

Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS --

Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS --

Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS --

Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS --

Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS --

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS --

Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.

Read More...

English From Around the World

 In a Bangkok temple:

 IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 Cocktail lounge, Norway:

 LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 Doctors office, Rome:

 SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

 DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

 In a Nairobi restaurant:

 CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER..

 On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:

 TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 On a poster at Kencom:

 ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 In a City restaurant:

 OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 In a cemetery:

 PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

 GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

 OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 In a Tokyo bar:

 SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 Hotel, Yugoslavia:

 THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 Hotel, Japan:

 YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

 YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

 COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

 IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE

 OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE

 TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 Hotel, Zurich:

 BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THEOPPOSITE SEX

 IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS

 PURPOSE.

 Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

 WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

 WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 A laundry in Rome:

 LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Read More...

Saturday, August 01, 2009

THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ... Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn
"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment..........................................

Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

Read More...