A blonde was whipper-snippering her yard and accidentally cut off the
tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Wal-Marts.
Why Wal-Mart?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the World!!!
Wives are funny creatures!
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want
to kill the hell outta the woman who does?
Wife: My hubby & I have what he calls Olympic Sex.
Friend: Wow,must be a terrific sex life huh?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's thingie?
Just refusing to rise and the irony is that everyone is still getting
screwed!!!
This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan:
"We stare because we care!!!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just humped
me twice!
Husband: Twice???
Why didn't you call me in after he did it once???
Wife: Because I thought it was you,until he started the second time.
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you
leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!!!!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!!!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating!!!
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today,tomorrow you have to
do it again.
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattle-snakes.
A couple in Sweet-water, Texas had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg.
He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack!
So, she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house.
So, she called on a neighbour man.
He volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the
sofa in relief.
But, in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted!
The snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbour man, seeing
her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store.
She saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury
required hospitalisation.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him.
So, she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.
She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and
began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an
ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.
Just then, the little snake crawled out from under the couch.
One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one
side of the sofa.
The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb
broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up
and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid
it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire
house was blazing.
Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck
had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area.
Time passed.
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built,
the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced
a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.
She shot him.
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again;
You'll begin to think you're a genius.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life.'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokes person for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country.'< /FONT>
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
--Dan Quayle while campaigning
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Ein stein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Differences...
1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home,
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says,
"Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
As she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this
experience at social security office.
She says,
"You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for
disability, too."
We yell for the government to balance the budget,
And then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle,
And then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving,
Then won't buy a car if it can't go over a 100-miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education,
Then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion
dollars a year for cigarettes.
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer,
Then drive ninety miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog
While letting our sixteen-year-old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make
more money
So we can move back to the farm.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping, or fishing;
But when we are out at the game, the mall, or on the lake, we talk
about business.
We are the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world
And more diets to keep us from eating it.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with
our yearning power.
We are supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on Earth,
But we still can't deliver payrolls without an armoured car.
We have more marriage counselors than any other country in the world
And still have by far the most divorces.
We know the lineup of every baseball team in the American and national Leagues,
But we don't know half the words of the "Star-Spangled Banner."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house ... walked home . . .and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground
was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the
old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you
Vinnie
I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said
'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!
Barack Obama and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto woke the president and said, "Obie bro, look towards sky, what
you see?"
Obama replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
Obama pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, mother nature is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. Whats' it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto says, "Obama,You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means somebody
stole the tent! bro."
Fable Number 1.
It's a fine sunny day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his lap top.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow.
After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his
lap top and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
(loud guffaws).
Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself.
This time he is patting his stomach.
He goes back to his typing.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox
bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones.
On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
MORAL:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.
============
Fable Number 2:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
================
Fable Number 3:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
=============
Fable Number 4:
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realise how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!
=============
Fable Number 5:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes
that little boy walk."
They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey!
Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry
the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it
fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show here in Edmonton. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:
I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and
the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!'
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man..
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Hebrew Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says.. "Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I'm God."
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet. Disgusted, his owner puts him in
the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating,
"How come you are sweating?" He asks.
The parrot replies "Do you know How hard it is to open the legs of a
Frozen Chicken".
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped
his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this,
the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck
happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how
he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day.............cupcake..."
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
'Can I help you Sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....
'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner
and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see
if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the
Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough
Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
"Don't throw out the fooken' burnt ones!"
I met money one day. I said, "You are just a piece of paper."
Money smiled and said, "Of course I'm a piece of paper, but I haven't
seen a dustbin yet, in my life".
A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector: What is her height
Man; I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing
Man: Saree/suit/ I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden
chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his
left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a
golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat
together, we jog together & the man started crying
Inspector: Lets search the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for
Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into
her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail
it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half
of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest,
and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not
shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she
took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the d dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need
to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to
the clerk to ask what it was..
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things
hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold,' she replied...
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied... .... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home
for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off
it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple
of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from
my sister. Her mother died, too!'
When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose-
They're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on,
The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses
As the prints were getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver
And my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
Just the outside's changed a bit.
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed.
From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your
parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day
Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What
happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two
bloody Arabs
When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults
are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a
great portion of the English language was taken over by American slang
and curse words and got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention
waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my
husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd
drink it.'
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said
Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill
'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill
'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure. 'Clarence Darrow
'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' - Moses Hadas
'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain
'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde
'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend....
if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.
'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop
'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright
'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb
'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson
'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed
'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.'
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' - Mark Twain
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West
'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' -
Oscar Wilde
'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
- If you do a good job and work hard,
You may get a job with a better company someday.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
Due to budget cuts.
- Sure, you may not like working here,
But, we pay your rent.
- If you think we're a bad firm,
You should see our rivals!
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -
They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity,
Probably has a scapegoat.
- Abandon All Hope,
Ye Who Enter Here.
- We make great money!
We have great benefits!
We do no work!
We are union members!
- Two days without a Human Rights Violation!
- If at first you don't succeed -
Try management.
- It's only unethical if you get caught.
First god created earth, then he rested...
Then, he created man, then he rested...
Then, he created women and no one has rested since!
If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops,
Why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?
QUOTE FOR TODAY.
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Groucho Marx.
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
Bob Hope.
"A man paints with his brains and not with his hands."
Michelangelo.
"A picture is a poem without words."
Horace.
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
Napoleon Bonaparte.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
Was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space.
Nothing.
Then, I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.
"Going out?" I called to them.
"No," said the man. "Just friends."
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice President,
Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem
Accorded to people in his position.
Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm
went off in the middle of the night.
Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby.
Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed
for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts.
"Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a
vice president of the hotel."
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having
trouble reading the newspaper.
"Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him,
"you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,'
In which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to."
Seeing his worried look,
The doctor tried to be upbeat.
"Congratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a Presbyope!"
Doug leaned over and asked seriously,
"Does this mean I can no longer be a Southern Baptist?"
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
Translated Car Ads.
- Two tone paint work -
Original colour and rust.
- One careful owner -
But, the other nine were clumsy as anything.
- 10,000 trouble-free miles -
Crashed in the last 20 feet.
- Heated rear window -
So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
- Very clean -
Only washed if and when it rains.
- Lady owner -
The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
- Clean interior -
All the rubbish is under the floor mats.
- Immobilizer -
The gear shift comes off in your hand.
- Anti-theft device -
I can let you have a rottener cheap.
- Drives beautifully - ...
In a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
- Low mileage -
The odometer is on its third time around.
- Full service history -
Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.
- Economical -
Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
A blonde went into a world wide message centre
to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the
next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered:
"Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while
holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
If you focus on resentment,
You'll create many more things to resent.
When you focus on gratitude,
You'll bring many more things into your life for which to be thankful.
Focus on anger,
And you'll continue finding additional reasons to be angry.
Focus on love,
And the opportunities for experiencing love will greatly multiply.
Focus on life's best possibilities,
And you'll move steadily in the direction of your dreams.
Focus on the things you truly value,
And they grow even more valuable.
Focus on what you are able to give,
And you'll greatly expand what you are able to have.
Focus your energy, your attention, your interest and your passion on
some particular thing,
And you can make the impossible happen.
Where is your focus most consistently directed?
That is where your life is most certainly headed.
Focus on love, understanding, peace, and harmony
You will have a life pleasing to God.
Focus on hate, bitterness, strife and discord
And your life will be wasted and empty.
By choosing your focus,
You choose your lifestyle, the world around you, and your future.
Focus on what is truly good and right and valuable for you,
And you will be gloriously immersed in that goodness.
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh
.....it's all true...
Perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 65!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. :-)
03. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17.. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone
else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time.. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
