Mild Jokes on a Monday!

DOCTOR.
To address an emergency call, a doctor came to see a rich patient at
his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was
surrounded by many anxious relatives.
Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with
patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked,
"Please give me a scissors."
People gave him a stainless steel scissors.
He again went inside, closed door and came back soon.
He said,
"Please give me a hammer."
He got one.
He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming
back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked,
"Please give me a screw driver."
With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the
relatives was mounting high.
The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded,
"Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he
live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said,
"No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I
lost the key."

HOW OLD ?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me
because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with
5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
"Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
"Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with
great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
"Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says,
"Yeah, now tell me how old am I ?"

Fishing.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

Husband & Wife.
Woman : If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Man : If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Moral Lesson.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait'".
Kevin turned to his younger brother & said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Legs.
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule
And the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.
The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.
In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.
The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.
Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test
On the teacher's desk.
"This is the worst test I have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said:
"Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:
"You tell me..."

Go to heaven.
A priest walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said,
"I do Father."
The priest said,
"Then stand over there against the wall."
Then, the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then, the priest walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said,
"No, I don't Father".
The priest said,
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said,
"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now.

Under water.
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board
set, and wrote,
"How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU STUPID"

Bill payment.
A young girl goes shopping....
Girl : How much for that dress ?
Naughty shopkeeper : 5 kisses only!
Girl : And that dress?
Naughty shopkeeper :10 kisses only!
Girl : pack that one.
Shopkeeper [excitedly]: Bill payment plz..?
Girl : My grandma will pay!!!!!!!!! !!!

Businessmen.
A businessman was driving round and round the streets, desperate to
find a parking space.
But, as usual there were none to be had.
At last he stopped the car, looked up to heaven, and said:
"God, please find me a parking space. If you do I solemnly promise
that I will go to Church every Sunday. I shall give a tenth of my
income to the poor, and I will be nice to everyone."
At that moment a parking space miraculously appeared in front of him.
The man looked up to heaven again and said:
"It's okay, God, don't bother. I've found one.

Anniversary trip.
Husband : "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
Wife : "Somewhere I have never been!"
Husband : "How about the kitchen?"

1st Husband.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
'Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom
do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:
"My wife's first husband."

Result is important.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates and announces his presence to
St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.
Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick
up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with great interest.
He announces himself to St. Peter.
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows
his brow and says,
"Okay,we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies,
"But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff
and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:
"This is heaven, and up here, we're interested in results. When you
preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people
prayed!"

Divorce in heaven.
A young couple who were engaged to be married were killed in a car accident.
Upon arriving together at the Pearly Gates, the young woman asked St.
Peter if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter mulled it over for a little bit, then told them he would get
back to them.
Six weeks later, St. Peter tells the couple the good news.
"I finally found a preacher up here and he says he'd be happy to marry
you!" he tells the couple.
They are overjoyed and start thanking St. Peter.
Then, the young man asks St. Peter:
"Look, if it doesn't work out, would we be able to get a divorce?"
St. Peter turns beet red.
"A divorce? It took me six weeks just to find a preacher up here!!
What makes you think I'll EVER be able to find a lawyer?!?!?"

Windows.

God appeared in a dream to the Pope, George W Bush , and Bill Gates.
He told them,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I
exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."
The Pope woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we
were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be
going to heaven in 30 days."
George W Bush woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is
on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God
thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to
attend any more Windows 95/98/NT/XP... complaints."

Plane crash.
John and Emma are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be
able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later John turns to his wife and asks,
"Emma, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
John, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Emma, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Emma, Did you remember to send checks for the Visa
and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, John," begged Emma. "I didn't send that one, either."
John grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Emma pulls
away and asks him,
"What was that for?"
John answers,
"They'll find us!"

Long hair.
A young man comes home and says,
"Dad, I just got my driver's license and so would like to use the family car."
Father replies,
"O.K, son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep
your room clean, make the yard neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a
few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months passed and the young man comes into the house
with his report card in his hand.
"Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room
neat and the yard is always clean. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies,
"That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says,
"But, dad, Jesus too had long hairs."
Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

Old carpenter.
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding
heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied,
"Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out,
"Joseph?"
The voice answered back,
"Pinocchio?"

Holy water.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then
threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me
where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

Near-death experience

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near-death experience.
During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time.
The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few
more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well
make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by
an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says,
"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies,
"Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

New brand.
Sales man : Sir, which shaving cream do u use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Which after shave do you use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Which tooth paste do you use ?
Customer : Niro's ?
Sales man : Which shampoo do you use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Sir , what is this Niro's, is it an international company ?
Customer : No, Niro is my room mate.

Antique value.
Mary and Jane are old friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband is an antique dealer!"

Eye sight.
The wife stands in front of a mirror.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old
woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"
She turns to her husband & says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He says in a soft voice,
"Your eye sight is perfect."