XX- Adult Puns. Adult Content.

THE GROANERS.

*** A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed
With a lady midget.
Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams,
"You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says,
"Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

*** For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if > she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later', he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
'Send extra sauce.'

*** "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and
get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then, I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

*** "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said,
eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered.
"Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

*** Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty
shop to pick-up her Mom.
She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

*** Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was
shopping and lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, he edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at
the confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

*** A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses
that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed
The door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked,
"Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Un chagrined, he replied quietly,
"Then I suggest you quit advertising it."

THE PUNS.

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone,
"Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing.
"Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same
skirts I had before I got married."
"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

While I was fishing I saw the dog licking his balls while his master
baited the hook.

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to
blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm
dying to get laid."

Rese archers investigating the remarkably well-preserved
5,200-year-old frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of semen
in the pubic area.
The iceman cometh!

One day Jimmy Swaggart walks up to Jim Bakker with a theological question.
"Can a whore be saved?" he asked earnestly.
"Why, certainly," replied Bakker.
"Great!" exclaimed Swaggart. "Would you save me one for Saturday night?"

What do a blonde and a Harley have in common?
It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to good ride, and
when you stand them up, they leak.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video?
The towels in the background said,
"Econo Lodge"

What do you call a herd of masturbating bulls?
Beef strokin' off (Richard Lederer).

OTHER HUMOUR.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (Woody Allen)

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then, on Sunday pray for crop failure.