Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the
efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!
* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.' 
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out
of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
--------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good, each one of them could
have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the World with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned 90.
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and
patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll
beat him to death. AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long Enough.
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
--------------------------------------------
I HAVE READ THIS BEFORE BUT IT NEVER CEASES TO BE A REMINDER TO ME
AND BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE. READ IT AT YOUR LEISURE, EVEN THOUGH YOU
KNOW THE ENDING, BECAUSE WE ALWAYS NEED A REMINDER TO SLOW DOWN AND
REMEMBER THAT WEALTH IS NOT MEASURED IN DOLLARS AND CENTS.
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.
I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the
peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller
(the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure
look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of
go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner
asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip
this way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our
community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves
to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a
bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on
their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story
of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.
Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.
They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relat ives
of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men.
One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke
briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand
in the casket.
Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded
her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me
about her husband's bartering for marbles.
With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.
Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she
confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man
in Idaho '.
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee
you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
Send this to the people you'll never forget.
An oldie but worth republishing -
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934
Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a
magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart
shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs
over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to
ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President, please
accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that
even a Queen cannot control.'
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replies, 'Your Majesty, please
do not give the matter another thought. In fact, until you mentioned
it, I thought it was one of the horses.'
Mothers will truly appreciate this one....
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says...(as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?'
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Why Sentence Structure is So Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit..."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western
Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Students at a local high school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:.... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
A blind man wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to the bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 ft tall, 175 lb blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No .
. . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'
A whole lot of truth in it
As you have all undoubtedly heard by now, the Bush Administration has
said that each and every one of us will now get a nice little rebate
check to spur on the economy. However…
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India .
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico ,
Honduras , and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan .
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan
…and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
And the only true way to keep that money here at home is to buy
prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still
thriving in the US .
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the boys'. I told
my wife that I would be home by midnight...PROMISE!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At
around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her
12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. WHEW! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted".
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and
said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage
with her finger and put it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy !"
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks
he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the
professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there
all by yourself."
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Janaka <jdiasabey@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, Mar 23, 2008 at 2:36 PM
Subject: Here are 12 of the finest
To: Janaka Abeyagunawardena <janaka.abey@gmail.com>
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
on British TV and radio (1) Pat Glenn,
weightlifting commentator
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator :
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(5) US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so
well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ..... Oh my god!! what have I just said??"
(6) Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
(7) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too, because they were laughing so hard!
(8) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
(9) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on
a cold night like this."
(10) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every
chance he gets."
(11) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and
he's only come in his shorts."
(12) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
prefers to do it by himself."
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel
room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter
and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver
tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and
killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain
to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone
calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare,
huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Hillary? 'Well,' the driver
replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar , his wife gave me the wine,
and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!'
'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary. The driver replied, 'I
just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver
and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it. '
TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER
TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.
FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.
SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:
SELDOM BIN LAYED
They're Back!
Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning:
'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang:
'I will not pass this way again,'
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
We have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So, ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be:
'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
Prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
sloganlast Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours '
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so was all mankind made."
Two days later she asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was
created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father
told you about his side.
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the sales lady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look, the sales lady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
Ah......now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the
Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So ,what are the
differences?"
The sales lady responded. "It is really quite simple. The Catholic
bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and
the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know 'll
regret for asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
A Jewish bra, she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.
'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worr y, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub
I lost the sausage in.'
A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such an elegant and sophisticated lady in his shop,
runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points
to her right inner thigh - very high up.
'Right here,' she says, 'I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and
underneath it I want the word Diwali.'
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says,
'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and
tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word
Christmas.'
The owner looks at her.
'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most
unusual request I've ever heard.
Why in the world do you want to do that?
'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always
complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali
and Christmas..
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to
his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always
bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of
our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been
the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your
answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a
different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
An overweight man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but
a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If
you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.as
promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and although he does his best, no such luck. So for
the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth
day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20
lbs.as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our
most rigorous program.
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' Next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you are
mine.'
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles a day.
One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over
except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it. He went
to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his thingie; which he left sticking out. Two old ladies
were walking on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie"
sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
Remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world." The
other lady asked what she meant. She said, "when I was 20, I was
curious about it." When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked
for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are
growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat !
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within
a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life would get started, she
made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few word on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.It said: "Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after
the wedding,and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still
nothing.Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words
" Etihad Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for EA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer,whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor - who's been six months at sea.
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the pace man, pure speed from first to last! My
darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way.
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-spinner, another awkward chap,
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap.
Then there's the Wiley 'slowy' girls.. pure cunning is his strength..
He'll tempt you then he will trap you, with his very subtle length.
So ladies do be careful-your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer-whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease, He has
only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.
And do beware of the slogger-not content with just one or two,
When he arrives at the crease only six will do.
Then there's the real stonewaller girls, he knows what he's about, and
if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out.
On now to the last man in, I hope this will but shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in - as long as he gets a knock.
So darlings... do be careful-and be well warned by me,
Never trust a cricketer- whoever he may be.
And watch the wicket keeper, girls; he's full of flair and dash,
And if you raise your heel a bit he'll whip' em off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain you had better know the score,
or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before.
The cricket commentator is a nasty bloke,
He watches the action and describes it 'stroke by stroke'.
Even the kindly umpire- though as a pup, You'll quickly find you've
had it when he puts his finger up.
So, darlings please remember... repeat it after me,
NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER-WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,
"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for
the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there,"says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that."
And God said........
God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of
the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly
humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
see it my way.
6. Shut Up!!!!!!
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word
you're saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
A soldier got married, on the 1st night he realizes
his wife is having periods.
He sent a telegram to Head Quarters,
"Red Alert on front !!!! Extend leave !"
Reply from HQ,
"Attack from back and Report for duty."
The following are humorous messages written on tombstones:
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born: 1903--Died: 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft
To see if the car was on the way down.
It was!
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
All dressed up
And no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But, died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767.
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace.
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But, slow on the draw.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader,
If cash thou art in want of any,
Dig six feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
=============================
In a Hartscombe, England cemetery:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But, the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a 1880's grave in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here,
There's only the pod
Pease shelled out
And went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man,
As you walk by,
As you are now,
So once was I.
As I am now,
So shall you be.
Remember this
And follow me.
Someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you,
I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train
to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, Order.'
The drunkard immediately responded,
'Thank you, your honour, I'll have
A scotch and soda.'
~~~~~~~
Man Quits Smoking Because
Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because
Of Will Power.
But, He Quits womanising Because
He Has The Will But No Power.
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then, does it really matter ?
~~~~~~
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'
'That's great, Sweetheart,' said her daddy.
'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'
'Well,' began the confession, 'I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and
20 in science.'
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~~
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.
~~~~~~~~
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
~~~~~~~
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
went into extra time.
~~~~~~~
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.
~~~~~~~
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
~~~~~~~~
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to London in two
days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Paris.
~~~~~~~
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies
Sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
A man, returning home a day early from a business
trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after
midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected
his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby
tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on
the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was
his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a
gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been
very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited
money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your
season New York Giant's tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues."
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband
slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What
would you do?
The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass with that
blanket before he catches a cold."
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had
sex "What's sex?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was. Tarzan
said "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan,
you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She
took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs
wide. Here" she said, "you can put it in here." Tarzan removed his
loin cloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a horrific kick in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid first check for bees."
"Tarzan not stupid first check for bees."
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
His funeral is Friday
Jack goes to the doctor and says, Doc I'm having trouble getting my
Penis erect. Can you help me?
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the problem
with you is that the muscles around the baseof your penis are damaged..
There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if you're willing to try an
experimental treatment.
Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment? Well, the doctor explains,
what we would do is take the muscles
from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.
Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too
much, let's go for it.
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to
use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure
Jack unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the
table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
That was incredible! Can you do it again?
Jack replied with his eyes watering, Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I can fit another roll in my ass.
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to
the other one 'Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't
believe?
Let me show you.' and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said 'Ah
Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a
Mercedes.' to which Ah Beng replied, 'Yes Sir! right away!' and rushed
off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, 'See, I told you he was
stupid.' The other rich man said, 'That's nothing, you want to see
stupid, I will show you stupid.' and he called his driver, Ali. 'Ali,
go home now and check to see if I'm at home.' to which Ali said, 'Yes
Sir, right away Sir.' and ran home. 'See what I told you? He doesn't
even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am
here.'
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, 'Eh,
you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to
go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know
that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!'
Ali replied, 'You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked
me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what,
can just call up to check lah!!!!'
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is
a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny)
This information is for Catholics only! It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words,
the better off they are ... or not!
*AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
*BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
*CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish
to lip-sync.
*HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
*HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.
*RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly since most of the people have already left.
*INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
*JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find
colleges with good sports teams.
*JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
*JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
*KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides g yros and baklava.
*MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
*MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
by an HMO. It's the Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has
always been rough.
*PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
*PROCESSIONAL: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.
*RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led
by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
*RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
*TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
*USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
'Breast-fed,'she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk. '
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came .'
Dont read if you dont like bad words..Little Tony
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x3,'" I said "6″, replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate .'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business. "
Okay, here is a brainteaser for you.
What nine-letter word in the English language is
still a word when each of the nine letters is
removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try to come up with a
nine-letter word that fits the bill.
Did you get it? If not,here it is:
STARTLING
STARTING
STARING
STRING
STING
SING
SIN
IN
I
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a
traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She
addressed as follows:
"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home
and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to
create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want
you all to change your way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean ,my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.
What I mean is:
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!
This is called bride from 21st Century!!!!
Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as
to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got
married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change
their behaviour and life-style once their vows were exchanged.
Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple
and logical conclusion.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where
the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:
aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. .
and finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process
is completed.
She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks
'I'll alter him.'
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these
knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out
of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an
Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what ? ?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing
there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2 ? ?
Where were you when he was 12 ? ?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had
a pistol ? ?
And where is the father ? ? Or who is his father ?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't
that a sign of something ?
Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up ?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and
got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a
thing about Africa ..
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap .
. . . .....
and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white
person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight
different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two
paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
