Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the
ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I
was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days. " I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do
you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this.....

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Young minds

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.
Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should
do us just fine"

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will
you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far........."

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Spoon

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a
spoon in his shirt pocket.......it seemed a little strange. When the
busboy brought our water and utensils I noticed that he too had a spoon
in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked:
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a
consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of
analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon after
enjoying my soup, and, yes, he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon the next time
I go into the kitchen instead of making an extra trip
to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I
asked our waiter:
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found
out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying
this string to the tip of you know what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need
to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out," I inquired, "how do you put it
back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon."

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Senior Moments

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a
Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end
of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger
here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower
and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening
there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at
the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a
few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes,
Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even
a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed
the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say
'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates
Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.",
Morris replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur, be careful!"

Try Gas ...

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his 'thing'."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for real ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet replied, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and tense and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sound you could ever imagine.

Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"

a Gay variation of an old one...

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if
there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just
to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tattoo of the Year

Give us a sense of humor, Lord,Give us the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Can you imagine sitting behind him in church??

Passport information site

Please go & check out this site!!! I was rather shocked to find a website
that holds everyone's passport details along with photograph. Anyone can
access other people's personal info. Which is of course a major worry in
terms of identity fraud etc? I've removed my info. I suggest you do the
same. Act as soon as possible. And please forward this important info to
family and friends....... The website address is

http://www.humnri.com/enter/passport

The Sri Lankan way

Three contractors . . . one from Sri Lanka, another from Kentucky
and the third from Florida are bidding to repair the White House
fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I
figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labor
and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Sri Lankan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700." The official,
incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How
did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Sri Lankan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and
we hire the guy from Kentucky to do the work."

How the Internet was started ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable also called UPS."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS in short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Opinion Poll

The UN conducted a Survey in certain specific countries and continents.

The question was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about the shortage of food in
the rest of the world?"

The survey was a total failure, as:

Africa: the people didn’t know what 'food' was

China: They did not know what 'opinion' was

Europe: They did not know what a 'shortage' was

Pakistan: They did not know what 'honest' meant

Saudi: They did not know what 'please' meant

AND the

USA: They did not know what 'rest of the world' meant!

Udurawana again....

Once Udurawana was coming out of Airport. As there was a huge rush the
security guard told him "WAIT PLEASE for which Udurawana replied "82 Kgs"
and moved on...
*************************************************************

Once Udurawana wanted to know the time difference between his native
village and Las Vegas, So he called up the Tourist Board and asked them
"Lamayoo..could you tell me the time difference between here and Las
Begas...".The lady at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Udurawana
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
*************************************************************

Udurawana's family planning policy.. "EVERY SINHALA BUDDHISTS IN SRI
LANKA SHOULD PRODUCE AT LEAST TWO CHILDREN IN A YEAR"
*************************************************************

At a bar in New York, the man to Udurawana's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Udurawana and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Udurawana replies: "UDURAWANA, MARRIED."
*************************************************************

After losing his post as the PM, Udurawana decides to do paddy farming.
Once he was among the herd of buffaloes and while resting his elbows on the

back of the cattle he poses for a photo. Next day the photo appears in the
front page of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION!! "Udurawana , third from left!"
*************************************************************

Udurawana was hosting a Japanese Delegation for
Business Development Projects in the Country. The Japanese Emissary was
Quite impressed with the Country and he stated, "Sri Lanka is an excellent
Country. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic
superpower like Japan." Udurawana was very surprised.

"You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I
will turn Japan into the next Sri Lanka!"
*************************************************************

God and Children

God decided to encourage people to have less children and introduced an
award scheme.

During the procedure at one point He concentrated on learning about the
situation in Sri Lanka:

He first met J.R.Jayawardena in Heaven, and asked him how many children he
had during his time on earth. J.R. replied only one! Happy with the
relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded J.R. with a Mercedes
Benz!

R.Premadasa was next, and the God asked the same question. He replied he
had two children, and the God thought this is not the best, so He gave
Premadasa a cheaper car, a Toyota.

S.W.R.D. Banadanayake was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he
had three children, and gave him a cheap Morris Eight as a kind of a
punishment.

Sometime later, the three (J.R, Preme and Banda) going around in their
new cars, saw Udurawana on foot!

Wondering what went wrong; they asked why God hadn't been merciful with
him. Udurawana replied with anger, "God did not even ask me! - Some idiot
had told him that I was the father of the nation!"
*************************************************************************

Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turned up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner called the Police Inspector, to show him what
has happened.

"First body" : Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love
to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body" : Irishman , 25, won ten-thousand pounds on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Ah", says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Udurawana, struck by lightning"
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the Inspector,
Coroner: "He thought he was having his picture taken"

Friday, September 22, 2006

Chinese torture

Lesson to learn - while in China - Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese
man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for
the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted
to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the
meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to
bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked
into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep
everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back
to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty
crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I
don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over
to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced
down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Martian delights

John and Marsha land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Marsha brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" she asks. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Marsha and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Marsha. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, John asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Marsha, "but it was wonderful. How about you?".

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slappingmy forehead and pulling my ears.

PRE-SCHOOL TEST

Pre-school children were asked the following question:

"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"

Look carefully at the picture.

Do you know the answer?

The only possible answers are "left" or "right."

Think about it

Still don't know?

Okay, I'll tell you.

The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?"

they answered:

"Because you can't see the door."

Organist

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her not to eat any of the green persimmons because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".

Pearly Gates

One morning St. Peter looked up and saw about 1000 folks converging
on the Pearly gates. Never having had this large of a group in such a
long while, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There has been a terrible
storm and a flood in New Orleans. That's why all these people are
here at once." St. Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran
right back to God yelling,"They're gone! They're gone!"

God said calmly,"St. Peter those 1000 people from New Orleans could
not be gone that quickly."

St. Peter said, "No, not the people. It's the Pearly Gates! They're
gone!!!!"

Jesus and Finkelstein

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when
He decided that He really neededa new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
for Finkelstein, theTailor. So, He went in and
made the necessary arrangements to have
Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished,
Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein
brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of
God? There's no charge! However, may I
ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a
sermon, perhaps you could just mention that
your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein,
the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised,
extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe
whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again
walking through Jerusalem, He happened to
walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a
huge line ofpeople waiting for Finkelstein's
robes. He pushed his way through the crowd
to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein
spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look
what you've done for my business! Would
you considera partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus &Finkelstein
it is."

" Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein &
Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The
two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but
ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a
mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over
Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read??

Are you sure you want to know?

Here it comes... Don't say you weren't warned......

Lord &Taylor

(name of a department store in USA)

Thinking of marriage ???????

Performance appraisals

click on picture to enlarge and use browser back arrow key to return to the blog..

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

After Life

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ We'd both still be alive.

The Phone Call

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .

Is this 486-5731?"

Bring help....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed
and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian
Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you
tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully
for....the....last....time I said.....

"BRING POSSE"

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Ever Seen Green Nike's before?

XXX - The Why's of Men ....... !!!

Hey Girls is this true ha .......... ?

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX ?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG ?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS ?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

( You're laughing, aren't you ........... ?!?! )

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS ?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know ................ it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH ?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

XXX- Marriage Licence

Fwd: Medicare at it's best

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please..."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Fwd: Georgy boy!!

President Bush was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked
one of his collaborators at the White House, Jenkins, to write him a punch,
20-minute speech.
When Bush returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half of
the audience walked out before I finished."
Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also
gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Friday, September 15, 2006

Modern chick...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Fwd: Title search

A Lawyer You Gotta Love!

Only in Louisiana.

You gotta love this lawyer - It's too good not to
share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel
of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending
the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title.

While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and
presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared
title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to
its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I
notethat you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year
of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it
by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in
the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish
monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and
almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ,
the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part
of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of
origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the
world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we
have our damn loan?"

* He got the loan.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

EXCELLENT LAWYER JOKE

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

THE MIND OF A SIX YEAR OLD IS WONDERFUL (A True Story)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the "Three
Little Pigs" to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel
barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said ' Holy
Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A Lady in the Bar

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Which one is YOUR son?

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
Party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
nowhe's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
And joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific!? My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of
the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes
of our sons...."

What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him."

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a
top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Boomers

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football

game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next

to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his

generation."You grew up in a different world, actually an almost

primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby

to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space

travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We

have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with

light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer...

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and

said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were

young.. .....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead,

what are you doing for the next generation?"

I love Senior Citizens

Cream

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so
I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."

A slight train mishap

Indian joke..

Aaj Tak" gets news that 200 sardars are killed in a train accident

at Amritsar station. Only one Sardar left alive. The correspondent

goes to the Sardarji and the conversation between them goes as

follows:

Correspondent: How did this happen?

Sardarji: Well, all the 200 people were waiting for the train. They

were standing on the platform. Then there was this announcement that

the train is arriving on platform number 2. They got scared to know

that the train is arriving on the platform and hence they jumped

onto the tracks to save themselves. The announcement was misleading.

The train arrived on the track and you can see the result.

Correspondent: Well, I guess, you must be the intelligent Sardarji.

Why did you not jump onto the tracks?

Sardarji: I was actually trying to commit suicide. I was waiting for

the train on the tracks. When I heard that the train is arriving on

the platform, I climbed up...

New Hospital Wing

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their

hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists

advised no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists

thought the administration had a lot of nerve and the obstetricians

stated they were all labouring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the

pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body" while the pediatricians said,

"Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the

radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic

surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt

the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the

cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in

administration.

Confusing ..what?

1. If "Fed Ex" and "UPS" were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broke..r ?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called a building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have 'Parking' lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat - Humans ???

13. If 'working hours' are meant for working, then why are you reading this ??

Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders its 5-day, 10-lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running-shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10-lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders its 5-day/20-pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads: "If you catch me, you can have me!"
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape, and it takes him a while to catch her; but when
he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he
has lost another 20-lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
Program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone,
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this
huge, muscular, 7-ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

XXX- From Bollywood

Q: What is the similarity between Cassette & Girl?

A: You can use them on either side.

Q: What is the similarity between Girls & Aeroplane?

A: Both have Cockpits.

Q: What is difference between Girl in Church and Girl in Bathroom?

A: A Girl in Church has soul full of hope and Girl in Bathroom has hole full of soap.

Q: What is similarity between Tea and Girl ?

A: Both are hot, Both have milk.

Q: What is the difference between Men's Cricket and Woman's Cricket?

A: In Men's Cricket, there is short leg between two long legs and
In Woman's cricket, there is a deep gully between two fine legs.

Q: Why did Gandhi wear dhoti without Underwear ?

A: Freedom of movement.

Q: What did Egyptian Boy say to Roman Girl ?

A: Come behind the Pyramid and I will make you a mummy.

Q: Why is a penis called a "Gentleman" in England?

A: It stands up whenever a lady passes by.

Q: Why is a penis called a "Thief" in Baghdad?

A: It enters through the back door.

Q: Why is a penis called a "Labourer" in India?

A: It works day and night.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.

Q: Why India has never had a female President?

A: What would you call her - Rashtra-patni?

Q: What did Rajiv Gandhi say, at last, when he saw Dhanu coming
towards him?

A: What a BOMB

Q: Why is sex so popular?

A: It is so centrally located.

Q: Define a Bra?

A: Under shoulder boulder holder.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

FW: Aussie women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Bert had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going

to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Never marry an Aussie woman!!!!!!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The tomato garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

You know that I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

One more...

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We

have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex
for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the

Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and
the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain

through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use

of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep

our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of

paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with

lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man,

shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"

stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at

Home Depot, either.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bush joke

George W bush during his recent visit to his home town in TX asked a psychic the date of his death.
Psychic : u will die on an Iraqi holiday.
Bush : which day
Psychic : any day you die will be an Iraqi holiday.

Monday, September 04, 2006

FW: Fw: Have a good laugh ..... !!!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me his religion !?

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

~
BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)