Fwd: Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You ...

I have the distinguished honour of being on the Committee to raise
$50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered
there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C.
Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington,
who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who
never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all.
He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there, he did
not know where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.

Thank you!
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

PS:
The Committee has raised $.16 so far.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Mahatma Gandhi - A little anecdote about one of life's more interesting characters ...

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of
London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and
always displayed animosity towards him.


And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he
expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when
Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor
said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit
together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly
replied, "You do not worry, professor. I'll fly away," and he went and
sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper,
but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Unhappy and frustrated, Mr Peters asked him the following question:

"Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package,
and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money,
which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have
taken the wisdom."

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he
doesn't have."

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger
that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and handed it
back to him.

Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to
remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to
him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr Peters, you
autographed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: The Sri Lankan Politician and his Pizza

A notorious Sri Lankan politician called up Dominos Pizza and
shouted at the branch manager,

"You idiot, I just received delivery of pizza from your boy and
there's nothing on it!!
No cheese, no toppings, nothing - it's just a circle of plain bread!
What the hell is wrong with you guys?
I am gonna close you guys down permanently and get you personally arrested!!!"

10 mins later his wife calls back to Dominos and apologizes to the
manager, "Sorry, he opened the box upside down!"































--
Please exercise email etiquette by deleting my email address when
'forwarding' to prevent scammers, spammers, hackers and mischief
makers from creating problems for YOURSELF, your friends and others.
Also unless all parties know each other include all email addresses in
bcc so that they are not disclosed and inadvertently forwarded by
others.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS ...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all
the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.., and, You guys pair
up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen
of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to
be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: African Proverbs !!!!

African Proverbs


INTRIGUING AFRICAN PROVERBS.

1. The anger of a penis doesn't destroy the vagina.
(Zimbabwe)

2. There's no virgin in a maternity ward.
(Cameroon)

3. A child can play with it's mother's breasts but
not with the father's testicles. (Ghana)

4. The man who marries a beautiful woman and
the farmer who grows corns by the road side have
the same problem. (Ghana)

5. When you see a woman sitting with her legs
open, never tell her to close them, b'cos u do not
know her source of fresh air. (Ethiopia)

6. He who says that nothing lasts forever has
never tried Hausa perfume.(Nigeria)

7. The only woman who knows where her man is
every night is a widow. [Togo]

8. An erected penis has no conscience. (Uganda)

9. If u go to sleep with an itching anus, u are sure
to wake up with smelly fingers. (Kenya)

10. The day a mosquito lands on your testicles is
the day you will know there is a better way of
resolving issues without using violence.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Headstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June , Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE FROM 50 UPWARDS

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE FROM 50 UPWARDS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room on each side.

With a 5-kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato bags.

Then try 50-kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: BBQ Procedures!!!

BBQ Procedures!!!

Standard Operating Procedures released today:

Please learn we are about to enter the BBQ season.
Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of
this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory nine feet exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding
activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he
flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Puns of the Day

The Museum of Executions seemed to favour crucifixions,
But
I was only able to view a small cross section of the exhibits.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of
a particular fern were a sure cure for constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder assured him,
"With fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

There was a telephone repair man named Jack who was always wired on coffee,
But
He always put in a good plug for the company.

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South
Carolina student delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other
guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man.
"In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."

They used to experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers.
That led to some very angry dogs which were cross breeds.
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a
sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she
was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued
to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman came up to her and said,
"Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow
around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat. Everybody is
taking a good look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling
your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny," the old lady replied, "What these people are looking at
is 85 years old. But the hat is brand new!"

There was a naughty kid who was called the "German Sausage"
Because
He was the wurst braut anybody ever saw.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask,
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means
almost nothing to me."
The man asks,
"So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies,
"In a second."

We have period furniture!
You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back,

A man goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time.
As she's showing him around the house, she brings him into the living room.
"I'll be right back," she says. "I'm going into the kitchen to get us
some drinks. Have a seat."
As he's sitting there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she says.
"Really?" he replies. "Gee, I'm sorry."
"Yeah," she says. "He's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray!"

I said to the Gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked,
"How flexible are you?"
I replied,
"I can't come on Tuesdays."

They say the Island of Cuba's 'Edenic',
But not to me, for I'm still quite a skeptic.
Can you be optimistic,
When Raul's Communistic,
Guess I may just be a bit Castro-phobic.


BUNGEE JUMPING

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day, when Glenn has a brainstorm,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea,
So the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump.

When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott
notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him,
So Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Scott misses him.
Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up --
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in.
"What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies,
"No, the cord was fine, but tell, what the heck is a piñata?"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Aboriginal Tracker - AMAZING!

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air,
under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one
ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in
the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered
around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant
Ute. It's a red one.
The left pront tyre is bald. The pront end is out of whack, and him
got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back,
all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6
dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge. "God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.
The Aborigine replied......... "I fell out of the pucken thing about
half an hour ago!".

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: FW: Jokes--445--How do these people seek a wife?

How do these people seek a wife?

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine
article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is
now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are
high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a
burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and
understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my
family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of
my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.
Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and
short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our
lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society.................
(etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in
excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the
post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be
strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to
support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to
surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any
objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in
limited confidence as all liabilities are null and
void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed
applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her
feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul.
And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She
must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature
should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible.
She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her
family.

SHIRABI
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory.
I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round.
Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can
carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks
for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from
base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not
necessary, but map reading
skills are a bonus.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be
homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if
you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares
wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able
to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to
share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: The gallant Scotsman...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck..., I'll give her a treat!"


So, they walked past it again...

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Lawyers don't lie.

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental
agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was
having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him
because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all,
lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with
11 children.
He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked:
"How many children do you have ?"
He answered:
"12 children".

The agent asked
"Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look,
"They are in the cemetery with their mother".

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Lawyers don't lie ...they are creative ....

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: "No Jews please" - Touche

"No Jews please" - Touche



A U.S. Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in
their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Master's degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of North-Western university in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Master's Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.

Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without
peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely
jealous

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Punishment..

An Indian, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming
alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible
crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik
announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to
allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then
said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German
had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror
he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani
was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Indian was the last one up, but before he could say
anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your
culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two
wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Indian
replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give
me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you
are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is
your second wish?" the Sheik asked.

Indian smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: When God sends you help...funny

When God sends you help, don't ask questions.



She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car
and found that she had locked her keys inside. The Woman found an old
rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I
don't know how to use this". She bowed her head and asked God to send
her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got
off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my
daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He
walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for
sending me such a very nice man." The man heard her little prayer and
replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison
yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man
again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Church Ladies With Their Typewriters

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the
church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced at church services:
----------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.



--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Married Men..

A married man's prayer;


Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away.

U gave me youth, u took it away.

U gave me a wife..... It's been years now,

Just reminding u..


-----------------------------------------------------------------


A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:

Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife.

Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.


----------------------

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are
not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight !
Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married" !!!!

----------------------


Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain power ten times..

Wife: Oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.


----------------------


Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !

----------------------

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't
speak to him for 6 months.


Was the necklace FAKE?


Nooooo! That was the deal :)


----------------------

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart ...... here the chef knows how to cook.


----------------------

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb Me,

I am Married, and already very Disturbed" !!!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over
the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming in panic:


.........................................................................
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Fwd: Adult Puns

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool.
His Doctor, a cynic
Said "Get out of me clinic,"
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow-jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

A guy who never farts in public is;
A private tutor.

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was for her and to keep it for "mad money",
So, she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's
Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was
going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that
I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just like I did your Grandfather's."

Sleeping with a man is like a soap opera.
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

I once had a friend named Scott that liked to brag.
He once claimed that a hooker gave the money back.
Of course, if you believe this story, she got off Scott, free.

FRIGID WOMAN:
An ice cube with a hole in it.
WET DREAM:
A snorgasm.
INCEST:
A game for the whole family to play.
RED RIDING HOOD:
A Russian condom.

Why do the English make better lovers than Portuguese or Germans?
Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 5
minutes and still come second!

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she
sunbathed topless.
The next day, Stacz corners his neighbour on the driveway saying,
"Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without
her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he
planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz' bedroom shades were up.
Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz' wife in the act of
performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz,
"Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blow job last night."
Stacz replies,
"Na, na,na, na. I wasn't home last night."

Men have assholes
So they won't be total pricks.

Use indefinitely in a sentence:
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely!

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks.
I need somewhere to place my brushes."

A gay man can fake an orgasm by standing behind his partner, and
throwing warm yogurt on his back.

Sex is a sin," mused Miss Willow
As she eyed the nude man from her pillow,
"But your equipment's so small
That it's no sin at all
I would term it a mere peccadillo."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...