Fwd: Adult Puns

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool.
His Doctor, a cynic
Said "Get out of me clinic,"
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow-jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

A guy who never farts in public is;
A private tutor.

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was for her and to keep it for "mad money",
So, she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's
Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was
going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that
I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just like I did your Grandfather's."

Sleeping with a man is like a soap opera.
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

I once had a friend named Scott that liked to brag.
He once claimed that a hooker gave the money back.
Of course, if you believe this story, she got off Scott, free.

FRIGID WOMAN:
An ice cube with a hole in it.
WET DREAM:
A snorgasm.
INCEST:
A game for the whole family to play.
RED RIDING HOOD:
A Russian condom.

Why do the English make better lovers than Portuguese or Germans?
Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 5
minutes and still come second!

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she
sunbathed topless.
The next day, Stacz corners his neighbour on the driveway saying,
"Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without
her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he
planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz' bedroom shades were up.
Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz' wife in the act of
performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz,
"Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blow job last night."
Stacz replies,
"Na, na,na, na. I wasn't home last night."

Men have assholes
So they won't be total pricks.

Use indefinitely in a sentence:
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely!

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks.
I need somewhere to place my brushes."

A gay man can fake an orgasm by standing behind his partner, and
throwing warm yogurt on his back.

Sex is a sin," mused Miss Willow
As she eyed the nude man from her pillow,
"But your equipment's so small
That it's no sin at all
I would term it a mere peccadillo."