Fwd: Puns of the Day

The Museum of Executions seemed to favour crucifixions,
But
I was only able to view a small cross section of the exhibits.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of
a particular fern were a sure cure for constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder assured him,
"With fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

There was a telephone repair man named Jack who was always wired on coffee,
But
He always put in a good plug for the company.

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South
Carolina student delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other
guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man.
"In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."

They used to experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers.
That led to some very angry dogs which were cross breeds.
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a
sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she
was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued
to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman came up to her and said,
"Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow
around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat. Everybody is
taking a good look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling
your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny," the old lady replied, "What these people are looking at
is 85 years old. But the hat is brand new!"

There was a naughty kid who was called the "German Sausage"
Because
He was the wurst braut anybody ever saw.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask,
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means
almost nothing to me."
The man asks,
"So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies,
"In a second."

We have period furniture!
You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back,

A man goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time.
As she's showing him around the house, she brings him into the living room.
"I'll be right back," she says. "I'm going into the kitchen to get us
some drinks. Have a seat."
As he's sitting there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she says.
"Really?" he replies. "Gee, I'm sorry."
"Yeah," she says. "He's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray!"

I said to the Gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked,
"How flexible are you?"
I replied,
"I can't come on Tuesdays."

They say the Island of Cuba's 'Edenic',
But not to me, for I'm still quite a skeptic.
Can you be optimistic,
When Raul's Communistic,
Guess I may just be a bit Castro-phobic.


BUNGEE JUMPING

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day, when Glenn has a brainstorm,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea,
So the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump.

When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott
notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him,
So Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Scott misses him.
Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up --
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in.
"What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies,
"No, the cord was fine, but tell, what the heck is a piñata?"