Tale of our times

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, in

Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain

him.

They sit and talk,frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,and she sits

on his lap.He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain

the gentleman.



They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she

sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and

walks quickly away.



The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with

him.



She decides that only her most experienced lady,Lola,will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise

her.



So the madam sends her over to Hans.The sit and talk,frolic a ittle,

giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers

in her ear and she screams,"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she

can and leaves.



Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in

all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work

herself for a long time,but she's sure she has said yes to everything a

man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants

that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her

employees a lesson.



So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is

available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and

then she sits in his lap.



Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

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New from the Dearborn talking doll collection in America,

The latest toy has hit the shops... A talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,
Because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who's famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.

A 13 year old was watching a movie one cable TV.
A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished
watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the
girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her house, found that her
parents weren't home from work yet, ripped off her blouse; and then said,
"I want what I want when I want it!"
The girl stared at him and cooly replied
"You'll get what I got when I get it!"

The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin
area over clothes.
Same rule my high school prom date had.

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So, I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy .

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered
throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

I'm not saying she's easy
But
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course
problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
The man says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

A guy wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a
bra.
He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his
gown.
Again he thinks,
"What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is,
"If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

Good:
You go to see a strip show.
Bad:
Your wife is a dancer
Worst:
Your daughter's the headliner.

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A Punjabi seeks the Lord

A Punjabi Indian dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Punjabi .....

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

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T-G-I-F VS. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright,
"T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"


The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

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Good English..

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.

The Boss's wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court.

The mails said:

'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm strokes.
Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally
good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.

At last it is mine and mine for ever.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: Spacing is an essential part when writing in English.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He speaks
ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and
ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his penthouse apartment
to look over his Russian book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?
"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed
out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked,
"Judi, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're
about to kill someone."
"I am!" Judi fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All
summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin
for position."

What does a gal call a blow job in a Honda?
Her Civic duty

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to
his wife and,
"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight. "
The wife replied,
"OK Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But, I am always gentle with you, dearest."
"That's not true," she replied. "The last time you woke me up TWICE!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said,
"I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case
of haemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him,
"Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until
they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of
haemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you
instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good
they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my ass!"

MINUTE MAN:
One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's
going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on
earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of
obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same
hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of
variety."
Jim:
"Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every
now and again?"
Fred:
"What? And have a house full of kids?"

Good:
You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:
She keeps interrupting
Worse:
With corrections

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bottle of Jack Daniels

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I
grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my
bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs....

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HAROLD MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a
few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're
stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'



Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his
mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter,
asked Harold 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The
detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture ? "



Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are
you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold,
looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

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XXX Rabbit Hunting,

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field
he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit
hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into
a sack.

He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full
of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it
over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab
them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking
up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

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Amazing Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm....... (She knew that!!!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

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Why Golf is better than sex - David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....


#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and dropped his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's The Beef?"

Two friends meet after many years.
They talk about their past life.
One asks the other,
"And how's your sex life?"
"As Coca-Cola"
"Oh great! Full of bubbles, he?"
"Nothing like that!. Before it was 'NORMAL', then it became 'LIGHT' and now
it is 'ZERO'!"

Bumper Sticker:
SUPPORT CANNIBALISM-EAT ME!

Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families.
They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature.
The little girl squatted and did the necessary.
On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was
relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a
handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

A newborn was born in Oregon last week without eyelids.
The doctor took the kid's foreskin and fashioned eyelids.
Everything turned out okay, but the kid was a little cockeyed.

A Bulgarian tourist visiting America was interested in all types of American
games.
When he returned home, his friends asked him to describe the things he saw.
"One interesting game I witnessed," he said, "was one called, 'Oh Shit!' One
fellow stands on a stage and calls out things like, 'G-4, N-44, etc'. After
awhile, someone in the audience calls out, 'Bingo!' and the rest of the
crowd yells, 'Oh shit!'"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been mounted more often than Trigger.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a
sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles a few feet across the store
to the counter.
Finally, arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she
askes the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuuu hhhave dddddillllldossss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies:
"Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks:
"Ddddddooooo yyyouuuu cccaarryy AAA pppinkkkk onnneee, tttteenn inchessssss
llllongg aannddd abbbouttt ttwwoo inchessss ththiickk aaaand rruunns byyy
bbaatteriess?"
The clerk responds,
"Yes we do."
The old lady asks:
"Dddddoooo yyooooouuuuu kknnnoooww hhhowwww tttooo ttturttnnn ttthe
sssunoooooffabbbitchhhh offfffff?"

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous young woman sitting
alone.
He decides to go over and chat with her.
"You're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women" said the girl.
"Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind" said the guy.
After ten minutes of his pestering her, she said
"Okay, I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator
can't! But if you can't, you'll leave me alone."
"Deal! Bartender, get this lady a drink."
Then he turned to her and said.
"Let's see your vibrator do that?"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked
it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked,
"Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point:
The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
Who knew?

Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,
"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Nigel asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

A guy sees his best friend on the street.
The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit, Lime colored trousers, a puff
sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc.
So, he asks his friend,
"What in the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a
great sale on seersucker suits. So, I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one
of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears.

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of
every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
"Did it work?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a
little, I find myself 2nd or 3rd in line."

Good:
You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
Your wife walks in.
Worse;
You're with her mother

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient.
So, recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick
it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back
with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The
aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is
the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even
in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night
unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass!"

Making Love:
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

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Telling a Lie is a .......

Telling a lie is a -
Sin for a child.
Fault for an adult.
An art for a lover.
A profession for a lawyer.
A requirement for a politician.
An accomplishment for a bachelor.
A Management tool for a Boss.
An excuse for a subordinate and
A Matter of Survival for a married man.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?"
Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A baby conceived on the back seat of a car with automatic transmission
Will grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive
young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman! She is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an English
lady!"

Please tell your pants
Its not polite to point.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town
to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I
want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left
for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess it's to hang up your pants."

Gentleman:
One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

"Daddy, what does a pussy look like after sex?"
"Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"

Good:
Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:
You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:
You're in them.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

A woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head foreman says:
"I don't know lady. You'd be the first woman. Before I can hire you I'll
have to see if you fit in with the guys. I have three questions for you. Do
you drink?"
She replies,
"At least a six-pack a day"
"Do you swear?"
"All the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question. You ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"

What do you get when you cross a Wall Street brokerage with a BDSM brothel?
A business for stocks and bondage.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was
The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said,
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said,
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Adultery:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"

"I've got to renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to
get pregnant!"
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight
inches is rare.

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails
have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

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Irish Joke

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon
and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

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Short, but GOOD!!!

An Israeli arrives at London 's Heathrow airport

As he fills out the entry form,

the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation? "

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, no, just visiting!"

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

An amorous sailor of Brighton,
Said to his fave girl, "You're a tight'un!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right'un!"

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day, while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie
walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in
your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the
same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed
"Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy."

Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal
vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first
radio alarm cock?

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

A birth control pill for men, that's fair.
It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a
bullet-proof vest.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it is the wrinkles.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you
see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
someday, but not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
It doesn't matter if its Visa or MasterCard.

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