Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Single vs Engaged vs MARRIED...

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered towards her friends and
said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my
boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

Ooooooooo I said!

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a
black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our
wedding date!"

Wooooooo I said!!!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black
mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

And the fat lady ain't done singing yet!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

X - Sportswear sponsorship

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a
basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

'What's that?' the lady questions.

'Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo,
and Reebok pays me.

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that
says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
says AIDS.

'You didn't tell me you had AIDS!' the lady screams.

'No, no! Calm down,' the man replies, 'This will say ADIDAS in a minute !!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Don't Mess with Old People.

The IRS(Inland Revenue Service) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons
him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and
that you'd be happy about it!'

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Chinese New Year & Life on Earth

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........
next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

XX - Hospital tour

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain
and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying
in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'

X- Aussie Humor

A man checked into a hotel and told the receptionist, "I hope the porn
channel in my room is disabled!"

The receptionist replied, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

=============

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he
saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.

The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not
shearing her with no one!"

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Preacher said

A Preacher said:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:

"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing,
'We shall drink from that river'".

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, M aria ran downstairs to her
mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here Maria and stir the pasta.'

Thursday, May 07, 2009

XX-Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up.'

Swines

100 years ago, they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly.

and on the 100th day of Obama's presidency...

Swine Flew

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

child's prayer ..

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies who
are in Daddy's computer.... .. Amen" !!!

Golf Ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

Priest and the baby

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant
and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about
the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give
the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're
not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his
son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Monday, April 27, 2009

XX- The Day the Penis asked for a Raise.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay
in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

The Weekender

Billy's mother thinks he has been sitting on the toilet too long, so
she goes in to see what's up. He is tightly gripping on to the toilet
seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with
his right hand.

His mother asks, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy answers, "I fine, mommy. I no go doody yet."

"OK, honey, you can stay here a few more minutes," his mother says.
"But why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy explains, "It works for ketchup!"

Dumb Blond Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch,
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

At this point everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife:
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunches."

Things Being Relative

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, so she decided that she would just
kill herself and join him. Her plan was to shoot herself in the heart,
but fearful she might miss the vital organ, she called her doctor's
office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

Remember 'Hollywood Squares'

Actual questions and answers from the old "Hollywood Squares":

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party, and
you think he is attractive, is it OK to come out and ask him if he's
married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "I Can't Get Enough?"

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

How To Protect Your

Home During A Recession

•1. Go to a thrift store, and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16.

•2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

•3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

•4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba:

Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of
them in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Why Many Singles

Remain Single

The ad:

Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very
good girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out
of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Call 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,
I'll be waiting.

The response:

More than 150 men answered the ad and found themselves talking to the
Humane Society.

X - GOOD CATHOLIC GIRLS...

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."

Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate.."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you
ever had any contact with a male organ?

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate.

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her bottom in it."

MEXICAN DELICACY

An american was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops
at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"

The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were
the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the
dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an
order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a
day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this
delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones
I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."

Friday, April 24, 2009

XX- JEWISH MATHEMATICS

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon!

All he wants is anal sex and my anus is now the size of a 50 cent
piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.'

Mother says 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 cents!!!!????????"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that
was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him
there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large
fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor,
'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at
which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so
he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in some other parts of the world.

Italian Letter of Complaint

An Italiano tourist wrote a complaint letter to the Manager of a hotel
in London. The letter read as follows:

Dear Signor Diretorre

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella.I am
comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at
your hotella. When I comma in my room I see no shit in my bed.

How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the Receptione
and tell: " I wanna shit ".They tella me " Go to the toillett ". I
said " No, no. I wanna Shit in my bed ". They said " You betta not
shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch ".

What is sonnawabitch? !

I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs

and Two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella

waitress and point to toast " I wanna piss ". She tella "Go to the

toillett ". I say " No, no. I wanna piss on my plate ". She then say to

me " You bloody fella better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch
"Second person who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch!

What is sonnawabitch?

Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no fock. I

tella waitress " I wanna fock ",
and she tella me " Sure everybody wanna fock".
I tell her " No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna fock on The table".

She then tell me " So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get
your ass outa here! "

So I go to the receptione and ask for bills. I no wanna stay in your
hotel no more.

When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me " Thank you and piss
be with you ". I say " Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch ".

I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella or you
Country, You sonnawabitch.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)