The Weekender

Billy's mother thinks he has been sitting on the toilet too long, so
she goes in to see what's up. He is tightly gripping on to the toilet
seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with
his right hand.

His mother asks, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy answers, "I fine, mommy. I no go doody yet."

"OK, honey, you can stay here a few more minutes," his mother says.
"But why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy explains, "It works for ketchup!"

Dumb Blond Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch,
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

At this point everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife:
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunches."

Things Being Relative

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, so she decided that she would just
kill herself and join him. Her plan was to shoot herself in the heart,
but fearful she might miss the vital organ, she called her doctor's
office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

Remember 'Hollywood Squares'

Actual questions and answers from the old "Hollywood Squares":

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party, and
you think he is attractive, is it OK to come out and ask him if he's
married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "I Can't Get Enough?"

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

How To Protect Your

Home During A Recession

•1. Go to a thrift store, and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16.

•2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

•3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

•4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba:

Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of
them in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Why Many Singles

Remain Single

The ad:

Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very
good girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out
of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Call 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,
I'll be waiting.

The response:

More than 150 men answered the ad and found themselves talking to the
Humane Society.