Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

Jokes of the Day -

INTRODUCTION:
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
-Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad,
But
When I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...
She leaned over and pushed me.

Indiana, Terre Haute Law
No one may spit on the sidewalk.

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the
occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot.
The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!"
demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink,
which he snatches without a word.
"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away".
By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I
can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.
Naturally, the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service
is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want
my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two
enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the
parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the
plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the
parrot turns to the man and says,
"You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together,
it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat.
He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So, one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack.
You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So, she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her
husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,
"Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack
and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

The printing of newspapers, magazines and books offer limitless
possibilities for error, human and mechanical.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though
we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.
Here just a few samples:
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our
Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8,
line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day.
In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

From a California bar association's newsletter:
Correction --
The following typo appeared in our last bulletin:
"Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m."
Please correct to read "12 noon."

There are two important corrections to the information in the update
on our Deep Relaxation professional development program.
First, the program will include meditation, not medication.
Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error:
Mourners' clothing is rent, that is, torn -- not rented.

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady
was misidentified.
His nickname in the department is "Dewey."
Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo."
We apologize for our mistake.

Three convicts on their way to prison, were each allowed to take one
item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turns to another and says,
"So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulls out various tubes of artist paints and
explains that he intends to paint anything he could.
His ultimate dream is to become the Leonardo Di Vinci of prison.
Then he asks the first,
"So what did you bring?"
The first convict pulls out a deck of playing cards and says,
"I brought a deck of cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and all
sorts of games."
The third convict just sits quietly while grinning to himself.
The other two convicts notice his arrogance and ask.
"So what did you bring, that your sitting there so smug?
The third guy digs into his suitcase, and pulls out a box of tampons,
smiles and says,
"I brought these."
Now puzzled, the other two ask,
"And just what do you think your going to do with them"?
He grins, points to the box and says,
"It reads here on the box, that I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating and do many other activities...."


SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS ABOUT PETS
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a
good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will
wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners.
Cat's have staff.
Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it
from their point of view:
Why do humans keep urinating into their water bowls?