Fwd: JEWISH COMEDIANS

JEWISH COMEDIANS

Some of You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians:
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and
many others?
You may have only heard of them. But some of us miss their kind of humor.
Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below and you
don't have to be Jewish to enjoy a good laugh.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak "The son said, "Why are
you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son
said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered,
"Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.