Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

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Monday, October 31, 2011

The last wish of a cuban Patriot Kissing Fidel goodbye.......

A group of Cubans desert their island and are on their way to Miami. In the
middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (an old one) suffers a
major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a Cuban flag to kiss and
say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately
in their boat to find something that would resemble the flag of their
country -- a T-shirt, a handkerchief, anything.

With everyone almost ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a
23-year-old girl shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a
tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The
young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear, showing
the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped tanned buttock cheek. She approaches
the dying man and sticks her butt right up in his face.

The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with
both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I
say goodbye to you with great sadness. Farewell my land, my flag. Havana, I
will miss you so."

After going on non-stop for almost 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now,
Chica, par favor, turn around and allow me to kiss Fidel, our bearded
dictator, goodbye too!""

Australian Love Poem

Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!
Who said Australians weren't romantic?

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch me another beer.

Haloween with the ACME Costume Company...

Halloween Costume Problem!!!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head & his leg, so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will look just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg.. so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by, he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you should really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST!!!
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses & a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on all our crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

DO MEN HAVE INSTINCT

A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: ' Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only
animals which resemble men in their behavior???

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to
it and see how horny it gets just as men do'.

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla
begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it
wanted to break free.

'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men
can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'.

Says Mark : 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'.

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited
and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark : 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around
and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!!

The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla
which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs
the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ' Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me'!!!

Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:

That you don't feel like it

That you have a headache

That you're tired

That your throat is aching

That it is still too early

That I must understand you as a woman

That you are depressed

That you are in one of those days

That you are having a very busy week

That all you need is just to cuddle up

That you're tensed up

That you have to wake up very early tomorrow

That you woke up very early today

That you walked for long and your feet are aching

That caresses and hugs is all that you want today

That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax

That you feel like watching TV

That you don't wanna miss the soapies

That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair

Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you
can persuade it, then I'll accept that Gorillas and men are same and I
promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses'!

Greek Vs Italian

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.The
Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, "We have the Coliseum."The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave
birth to advanced mathematics"The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, "We invented sex!"The Italian replies, "That is
true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give
me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

Friday, October 28, 2011

Management Course

5 Minute Management Course 5 Lessons to Learn

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

``` Some interesting facts ```

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is
easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on
the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained
since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and
is pronounced, approximately,' mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis became popular, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans
(mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If
a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was
safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it
simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or
clink the host's glass with his own.
Q : Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the
theatrical performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on
cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis,
King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he
had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked
this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the
long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet
is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have
notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing
gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small
quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars
are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels
aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough
to shave.

So there! Now you know! Almost everything?

Friday humour

Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."

CASHIER: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"

Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Jewish arranged Marriages

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is
unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their
son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a
long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they
want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of
requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to
visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has
found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt
Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by
heart,
and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large
family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get
excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:
'Is she any good in bed?'
The marriage broker answers,
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Some say yes, some say no

‎'MOTHER' - Job Description

POSITION : MOTHER, MUM,MOM, MOMMY, MAMA, MA, AMMA, AMMI

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs some money.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 kmph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that passing matric will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

THE VALUE, LIFE TIME DEDICATION AND HARD LABOUR, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
OF
"THE MOTHER"

A letter from Goldman Sachs concerning occupy wall street

October 18, 2011

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released
today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the
protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean,
however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands
have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep
discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests.
And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose
investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as
they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the
capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there's
plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that
are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons
and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as
clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are
making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for
broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials
necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake."
But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake
futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation,
the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As
the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs
Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this." We
haven't felt so good about something we've sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

Friends are like Knickers

Friends are like knickers, some crawl up your arse...Some snap under
pressure...Some don't have the strength to hold you up...Some get a
little twisted...Some are your favorite...Some are holey...Some are
cheap and just plain nasty...And some actually do cover your arse when
you need them too !!

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the
counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the
unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that
she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it
raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"100 Camels"

Ghaffar Bhai and Fatima Bai, were sitting outside a Mall
A rich Arab Sheikh approached them.
After salaams, he asked where they were from.
"Pakistan," Ghaffar Bhai replied.
Looking at his wife, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Ghaffar Bhai looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the Arab left, the wife said "Ghaffar that was sooo romantic but
what took you so long to answer?
Ghaffar Bhai replied…
"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back to Karachi."

Monday, October 17, 2011

SOFTWARE TESTING

A university scholar, Mr. John Smith approaches his friend a
software-testing guru telling him that he has a Bachelor in
programming,
and now would like to learn the software testing to complete his
knowledge and to find a job as a software tester. After summing him up
for a few
minutes, the software-testing guru told him "I seriously doubt that
you are ready to study software testing. It's the serious topic. If
you wish
however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test
I will help teach you software testing. "

The young man agrees. Software testing guru holds up two fingers "Two
men come down a chimney.
One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face.
Which one washes his face?

The young man stares at the software-testing guru. "Is that a test in
Logic?" software testing guru nods.
"The one with the dirty face washes his face," He answers wearily.

"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the
simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the
clean face
and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the
one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with
the
clean face washes his face."

"Very clever" Says Smith. "Give me another test"

The software-testing guru again holds up two fingers "Two men come
down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes
out with a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"

"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his face is
clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty
face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face
washes his
face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean
face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his
face"

"I didn't think of that!" Says Smith. " It's shocking to me that I
could make an error in logic. Test me again!."

The software-testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a
chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with
a
dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Each one washes his face"

"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one
with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks
his
face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean
face sees
that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also
doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face".

Smith is desperate. "I am qualified to study software testing. Please
give me one more test"

He groans when the software-testing guru lifts his two fingers, "Two
men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other
comes
out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Neither one washes his face"

"Wrong. Do you now see, John, why programming knowledge is an
insufficient basis for studying the software testing? Tell me, how is
it possible for
two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a
clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see?

GUYS !!! Requirements for testers will look the same but expectations
from clients will vary every now and then…

Saturday, October 15, 2011

when insults had class]

       The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
      She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
      He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx

Worth Remembering

Life would be perfect if anger had mute button, mistake had back
button, hard times had fast forward button and good times had pause
button,

Difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi – Einstein believed
everything is relative while Karunanidhi believes relatives are
everything,

A bird asked Bee you work so hard to make honey and people steal,
don't you feel bad? Bee said that I don't feel bad as they can never
steal my art of making honey,

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us,

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only few people can hold it,

The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts but
quality of our thought depends on the people we have in our life,

We get lot of unconditional love when we are born and lots of
unconditional respect when we die. We just have to manage the time in
between.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Lipstick in School.........

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators !

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Height of Miscommunication and it's COST............

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he called a baker and ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him on the phone what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are
getting better".

The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said
'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top
and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at
the message on the cake.

It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better
at the bottom"

Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof- read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it correctly for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone

Wives

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life...
The wives want both!

====

Marriage is like a Public Toilet.
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are
desperate to come out.

====

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.

Searching these keywords on Google : `How to tackle wife?'
Google search result :

`Good Day Sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says
the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It takes thousand workers to build a castle, million soldiers to
protect a country,
but just one woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt : All girls are devils, but my wife
is the queen------------
of Them

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Jokes banned in Pakistan

Pakistan's president Zardari has tasked his country's top
investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward
funny or derogatory text messages about the country's president.
Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable
for a 14-year jail sentence.
Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and
reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to
sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and
mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules 'draconian' and
many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further
ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in
these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani
establishment:

1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line
that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns
after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him", everyone asks him.
"No, that line is longer than this one", he replies.

2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari."
Robber: "OK. Give me all my money."

3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding
$5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you
can. I have donated five liters."

4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has
officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are
confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

5. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….

6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes
and long jury trials
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.

7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

XXX Deaf sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.

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