child's prayer ..
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies who
are in Daddy's computer.... .. Amen" !!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Golf Ball
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
Priest and the baby
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant
and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about
the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give
the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're
not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his
son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Monday, April 27, 2009
XX- The Day the Penis asked for a Raise.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay
in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
The Weekender
Billy's mother thinks he has been sitting on the toilet too long, so
she goes in to see what's up. He is tightly gripping on to the toilet
seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with
his right hand.
His mother asks, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy answers, "I fine, mommy. I no go doody yet."
"OK, honey, you can stay here a few more minutes," his mother says.
"But why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy explains, "It works for ketchup!"
Dumb Blond Guy Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch,
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
At this point everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife:
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunches."
Things Being Relative
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, so she decided that she would just
kill herself and join him. Her plan was to shoot herself in the heart,
but fearful she might miss the vital organ, she called her doctor's
office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
Remember 'Hollywood Squares'
Actual questions and answers from the old "Hollywood Squares":
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party, and
you think he is attractive, is it OK to come out and ask him if he's
married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "I Can't Get Enough?"
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
How To Protect Your
Home During A Recession
•1. Go to a thrift store, and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16.
•2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
•3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
•4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of
them in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
Why Many Singles
Remain Single
The ad:
Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very
good girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out
of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Call 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,
I'll be waiting.
The response:
More than 150 men answered the ad and found themselves talking to the
Humane Society.
X - GOOD CATHOLIC GIRLS...
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate.."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you
ever had any contact with a male organ?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate.
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her bottom in it."
MEXICAN DELICACY
An american was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops
at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were
the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the
dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an
order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a
day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this
delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones
I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."
Friday, April 24, 2009
XX- JEWISH MATHEMATICS
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon!
All he wants is anal sex and my anus is now the size of a 50 cent
piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.'
Mother says 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 cents!!!!????????"
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Irish Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that
was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him
there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large
fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor,
'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at
which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so
he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in some other parts of the world.
Italian Letter of Complaint
An Italiano tourist wrote a complaint letter to the Manager of a hotel
in London. The letter read as follows:
Dear Signor Diretorre
Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella.I am
comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at
your hotella. When I comma in my room I see no shit in my bed.
How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the Receptione
and tell: " I wanna shit ".They tella me " Go to the toillett ". I
said " No, no. I wanna Shit in my bed ". They said " You betta not
shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch ".
What is sonnawabitch? !
I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs
and Two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella
waitress and point to toast " I wanna piss ". She tella "Go to the
toillett ". I say " No, no. I wanna piss on my plate ". She then say to
me " You bloody fella better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch
"Second person who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch!
What is sonnawabitch?
Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no fock. I
tella waitress " I wanna fock ",
and she tella me " Sure everybody wanna fock".
I tell her " No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna fock on The table".
She then tell me " So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get
your ass outa here! "
So I go to the receptione and ask for bills. I no wanna stay in your
hotel no more.
When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me " Thank you and piss
be with you ". I say " Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch ".
I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella or you
Country, You sonnawabitch.
Where do red-headed babies come from?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have
contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair
for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice
every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust!!
BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt
honored and had a wonderful
time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me
to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful
to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar
for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me
to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I
did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives.
Twice.
A sleep or awake
Wife asked her husband how
many women he had slept with.
Husband proudly replies, only
you darling, with others
I was awake!!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Santa not Singh
Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided
to change his religion. He joined a priest in a church as his
assistant.
One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, He called Santa D'Costa (his new
assistant) and asked him to cover for him.
Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him
to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do..
Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A
few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I
have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: " I committed adultery"
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times"
Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.
He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery"
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times"
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more.
Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and
the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes
later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive
me for I have sinned"
Santa: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery"
Santa: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once"
Santa: "Go do it two more times, we have a special offer this week,
three times for $ 5...00"
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. It is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying...
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anaemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
________________________________
Monday, April 06, 2009
Painting job
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
drop of paint on their habits.. After conferring about this for
awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off
their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project,
there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits.. sister" says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Lawyers....
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger!"
"Black is in!"
The most powerful politician in the world is Black.
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.
The best known media mogul on earth is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.
The top female tennis players in the world are Black.
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.
The fastest human on the planet is Black.
... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the
water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him
in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you
found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this
time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls
him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have
you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Friday, April 03, 2009
FIVE RULES FOR MEN
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Tiffanys...
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price.'
Indian and the Buffalo
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
S-s-s-s-stutterers Action Group
A very pretty young speech therapist was
getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every
technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?'
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.
'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London'.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy added :
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.
The economics of it....
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM ...
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the doctor. "Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor
"I'll sleep on it," I said, and off I went to seek solace at my
favourite watering-hole.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?" he asked.
"Well," I said, "Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year,
is an awful lot of money!" I said, "A bartender cured me for $10, and
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought
myself a new car!'
"Is that so?" said the psychiatrist in a bit of a huff. "And how, may
I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "And in such a short time?"
.....
......
.......
........
.........
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! "
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, "he's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to
my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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