Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Older doctor and the younger doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on
his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first
house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that
does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?''I didn't have to. You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it
up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably
was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the
next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once
did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger
doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I
bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

Read More...

Multinational Marketing ...

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
Multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural
differences.
For example, observe the following examples below.


The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of
signs had been printed that the phrase means
"bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the
dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-Le," which can be
Loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."


In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as
"Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger- lickin good"
came out as "eat your fingers off."


The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into
"When Smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
and empty."


When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America,it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the
car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.


When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant
embarrass.
Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant."


An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit.
Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I
Saw the Potato."


Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.


In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

Read More...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports,
She should like it that you like sports,
And
She should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before,
And
You get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether
They seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date,
They just tell each other lies
And
That usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead.
The next day, I would call all the newspapers
And
Make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen,
So I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this:
If you kiss someone,
Then you should marry them
And
Have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better,
But I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Read More...

Language by Gender

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male: Playing football without a cup

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion
Male: A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male: A device for scanning all 175 channels every 5 minutes

Read More...

Great Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
Always circle the stain in permanent pen
So that when you remove the garment from the washing machine
You can easily locate the area of the stain
And
Check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers.
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
Thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes.
Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs
By simply running a little slower
And
Letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers.
Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years
You'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet
And
Dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans.
Create the effect of being abducted be aliens
By drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning,
Having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap
And
Effective substitute for costly maps
When visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
By ruffling your hair,
Wearing a white laboratory coats
And
Parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night
And
Replace the JCB unseen,
With a Tonka toy of the same description.
Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers.
Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long
journey.
You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway,
So it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave.
If the chocolate melts
You will know that the microwaves are escaping
And
It is time to have he oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock
Will prevent you from rolling over
And
Going back to sleep.

Read More...

Japanese Couple - interesting...

A Japanese couple in an argument over ways of SEX ...

Husband: "Sukitaki".
Wife replies: "Kowanini"!!
Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo"!

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji"!
Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji"!

And you sit and read this interestingly as if you understand Japanese!!!

You are impossible & unbelievable!

I always knew you will try to read anything on SEX...

Keep it up...

Read More...

INTER FAITH ...

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said,
"I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football
team."

To which the Mormon replied,
"You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.
One more and I'll have a golf course."

Read More...

KITCHEN WISDOM.....

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead
normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.

To truly love another, you must first love yourself.
And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and
offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him.
One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm and
collected.

The difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised is
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very
short shorts.
"What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the
truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, "and yours?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with
those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the
road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he drawled, "having eight
inches of snow in June?"

God put men on earth because
A vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Mother superior at the grocery:
"I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."
Salesman:
"If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior:
"Oh well, we could always eat the other 24."

Girl caught giving her boy friend a BJ,
"Gee, Dad, you told me that when it came to sex, I should use my head!"

A surgeon went to check one his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could
expect a complete recovery.
She asked him,
"How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after
having their tonsils out."

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about
it, he shouldn't!

Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks one a door, a lady answers, and he says,
"Collect. That'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, Ill give you sex
instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there is the biggest
dick she's ever seen.
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers,
and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says,
"You don't have to do that. I can take all of it."
He says,
"Not for five bucks. You can't."

Read More...

A prayer

In church, while reverently preparing for the service,
I heard a sweet little old lady sitting next to me in the pew, quietly
whispering a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you.

She said,

"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken:
My favourite actor Patrick Swayze,
My favourite musician Michael Jackson,
My favourite salesman Billy Mays,
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
My favourite singer Whitney Houston,
And, now, my favourite announcer Dick Clark.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politician is Obama.

Read More...

Monday, July 09, 2012

Politically Incorrect - VERY

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min
(charges may vary).



Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a
clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit
taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".



Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to
end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.



Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at
my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new
Taser!



Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with
just a small white area so I've called him Bradford




If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
of ham then delete it. It's Spam.



They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm
wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is
going to shift this beer belly.



I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused
in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new
trainers the little bastards deserved it!



When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and
put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.


The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather,
fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her
doorstep.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

News flashes:

1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's
definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my
interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin
was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the
audience did try to warn him.

Read More...

Week Weak.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask
for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even
be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Read More...

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man of Thyme
Who had three wives at a time
When asked why he did it
He said "one's an idiot
And bigamy, sir, is a crime"

Hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.

I was late at a store the other night, the last customer.
The cute girl at the register said,
"Strip down, facing me."
You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about
swiping my credit card.
The good news.
Bail is not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be!

Lesbian:
A woman trying to do a man's job!

An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco.
"Jus' look at them homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. With men
marryin' men, and women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta'
go out there and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied,
"Yes, Daddy."

A junkie was found dead in an alley with shit in his veins.
He'd been shooting craps!

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key
West, Florida.
After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and
began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said:
"Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win,
met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard
that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor relied:
"That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must
correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet. I kissed a
Cock-or-two."

Have you heard about the randy priest?
He was a sinner qua nun.
In the monastery he was constantly trying to get into the habit.
When he did, he always waited for the second coming.

What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

The wife stormed indoors,
"You bastard, I'll never get rid of that smell."
"But you said I could do it!" I replied.
"Like hell I did!" she said.
"You did. I told you the toilet was blocked and I was desperate."
"But I told you to go to your mum's round the corner?" she stammered.
"And I said I didn't think I'd make it and you said, never mind, here's my
keys and go in my car!"

What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Read More...

XX The Secret Of Long Life:

Morning, two Eggs!
Evening, two Pegs!!
&
Night?
In between two Legs!!!

Read More...

Work out exercise program.

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise programme.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.

Bend over backwards
Jump on the band wagon
Run around in circles.

Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge.

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

Rest At Last!

Read More...

Confucious Say:

"If you can't be content with what you have received,

Be thankful for what you have escaped."



A wise man buys his wife fine China, so she won't trust him to wash it.


Religious woman with hole in pocket, feel holy all day.


Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.


If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.


Man who throw a cat out car window, makes kitty litter.


Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.

Read More...

XX ADULT PUNS!

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George:
"Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better
in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later] George to John:
"Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I think your wife's a way
better lay."

I'm sorry you're circumcised.
We can't hire you.
Management wants only complete pricks.

During Sir Thomas Beecham's half-century career as conductor of some of the
great orchestras of the world, he developed a reputation as a man with a
caustic wit and an acerbic tongue.
At a rehearsal of the London Philharmonic one day, Beecham became
increasingly frustrated by the sub par performance of the orchestra's female
cellist.
Finally, in exasperation, he said:
"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure
to thousands. And all you can do is scratch it!"

Impotent Loser:
A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

Sally was the easiest date in town.
She would sleep with any guy who smiled at her, bought her a drink or a
burger or simply asked.
When her reputation was in tatters and her family shunned her she tried to
change her ways, but like Ado Annie in 'Oklahoma' she was simply a girl who
couldn't say no.
She finally decided to seek help and went into therapy.
After many sessions her therapist greeted her with a long face and said,
"I'm afraid I cant help you because you are afflicted with raging whore
mones."

Doctors say erectile dysfunction could be a sign of impending heart
problems.
Or maybe that your girlfriend is just ugly.

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent
heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a
mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had
precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied,
"Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning,
thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but
I guess he was going."

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep
on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty
easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy
curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with
hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,
takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says,
"Honey you're so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman next door,
and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens
only once. OK? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her
mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says
with much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
"Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant, I only charged her husband fifty!"

A gay gentleman from the Deep South is a
Homo-sex-y'all.

Read More...

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he

Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Read More...

Friday, July 06, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party,
The husbands refused to go and pick them up,
And
Instead left them to their own devices.


My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual,
Which makes it hard for him to come out of the closet.

At the height of Dorothy Parker's fame, a popular Broadway play featured a
character that was based loosely on her life.
When a friend asked her why she had not yet seen the play, Parker replied:
"I've been too fucking busy and vice versa."

Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy?
It's got the same centrefold as the regular edition,
But
You have to pull it out at just the right moment.

One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade.
Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests.
So, together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning
and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test.
He scored 97%, missing only one word.
The word was "clock."
Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.
His sentence?
"My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" - only it seems he'd
accidentally omitted the letter "L".
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she
had ever seen.


A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to
him.
So, he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one
on the other's behaviour.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in
general, then casually asked her about the specific behaviour of the
passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her
the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and
never left his side."

Read More...

XX Fun stuff

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did.......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


-----------------------------------------------------------


The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut
tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an
hour, as I started to feel sick.It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

-----------------------------------------------------------


The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her Jubilee
celebrations.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss; he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes
pegs back.

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