Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

PENETRATION
What he hopes you're thinking:
"You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking:
"Is it in yet?"

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.
The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the
donor lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying,
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction,
But
For some reason it never comes up.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Prostitution is a hole sale business.


"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I've been screwing his wife."

David went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night
because he had a fight with his wife.
"What happened?" the friend asked.
"When I got home tonight I was really beat. So when she asked me for
fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half asleep or
something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the dictation
first.'"

Rectifier:
To accidentally use Ben-Gay instead of Preparation H.

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume
party stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"

Did you hear Michael Jackson was in the hospital with food poisoning?
"He ate a 12 year old weenie."

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says,
"Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates,
"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do
anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no
problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green,
coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says.
"What happened?"
David responds,
"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

Since the release of Viagra,
Exotic dancers now claim that they are receiving a lot more standing ovations.

I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!