Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

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Why would your girlfriend get mad if you put your condom on backwards?
Because you'd rubber the wrong way.

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going
home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies,
"That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the
holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."

The difference between a chicken and a baby is,
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result
of a standing cock.

A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!

Men who go to bed WIth sex on their mind usually wake up with the
solution in hand.

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked,
"Paw, what Is Sex?"
Paw says,
"Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers,
"Maw GEt yourself in here!"
Paw then says,
"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,
"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,
"What is going on? "
Jethro answers,
"Paw is teaching me about sex."
Little Sally asks,
"What is sex?"
Jethro replies,
"See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

The Polish husband wouldn't make love to his new bride
Because
He promised his mother that he wouldn't sleep with a married woman.

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and
turned up pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she
belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret
safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she
rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either
her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child. After the birth,
panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she
were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with
no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a
wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a
basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the
pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was
just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the
basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly
sighed,
"Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it - we're closed"

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says,
"I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked,
"Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"