Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

If the space between breasts is a SLOT,
And the space between legs is a SLIT,
Would you then say that she,
Who exposed them for free,
Can be properly labeled a SLUT?


Give a man a porn flick and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in
rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains.
My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me
as Seaman Stains.

The difference between a blonde and a light bulb is;
A light bulb is smarter,
But
The blonde is easier to turn on.

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be
Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other.
He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her
asks what she'd like to do.
She says,
"Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."
So, she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building.
One of the girls says,
"Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says,
"Gee, do you think he'd remember us?"

I do not have a sex addiction.
I have restless groin syndrome.

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a
party on Halloween night.
The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that
represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to
be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown
costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual
syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the
person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves.
"You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it,
to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in.
"What are you supposed to be, my pretty?," the man asked.
"I'm green, green with envy.," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.
He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came.
He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man.
On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.
"That is correct," said the man, trying to keep his cool,
"What are you supposed to be?"
The naked stranger looked down on the man, and in a booming voice, replied,
"I'm fuckin' despair!"

I know man who had eight vasectomies,
Because
His wife kept getting pregnant

Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend.
In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry
him, and she accepted.
Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe.
"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And
what did you say this paragon's name is?"
"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face
at the mere mention of her name.
"Betty Jo Bronowski."
"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious
about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!"
A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly.
"Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."

To truly love another, you must first love yourself.
And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either

Once a month, when the moon is full, Reverend Jim Bleaker and his
lovely wife, Teddi, invite members of the church to the parsonage for
an evening of hymn singing, followed by cookies, tea, and a frenzied
orgy on the lawn outside, making sure, of course, to take all the
usual precautions for safe sects.

The secretary walks into her boss's office and says,
"Sir, may I use your dictaphone?"
Her boss says,
"No. You use your finger just like everybody else."

It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do feel by and large,
Some cash should be tendered
For services rendered,
But I can't yet decide what to charge.