Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There was a woman from Buffalo
Who challenged a fellow to show
That he could pee
Higher than she
How could the stout fellow say no?

So they went on out back of the pub
She put her puss on the wall and said "Bub,
I'm goin' first
I'm about to burst"
Then proceeded to let go a flood.

She managed about three feet high
So the bub whipped open his fly
Grabbed hold of his thing
But the "lady" did sing
"The rules are no hands by the by!"

A guy walks up to a hooker and asks,
"How much do you charge to rub the genital?"
She says,
"The same as the Jews."

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell.
The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of
money up his behind.
He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.
"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bowel."
"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been
feeling too grand..."

She was only an apple-grower's daughter,
And
She couldn't wait to get it in cider.
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her
gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive.
He suggested she try withdrawal, douches or condoms.
Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three
children when he happened to run across her old doctor.
"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.
"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout,
Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some
word of advise and warning by her mother;
"Look darling, they all want the same,
So, do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2.) Touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3.) Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and
waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful
not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and
I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my
breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he
slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him
what you said, and he then took his hands out and said;
"What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and
would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to
the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"
"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very
careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out
and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction,
But
For some reason it never comes up.

Rita Garcia has confessed up after bragging to friends about how she
got even with her ex.
Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused
condoms in a drawer.
She carefully opened a condom and put peppered chili powder in one,
resealed it and waited for the results.
After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend, Pedro was
rushed to the hospital with his manhood on fire.
Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said,
"He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."

Gay termites eat wood peckers.

My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house.
I keep a couple of them with me at all times.
In case someone starts playing classical music, I'll jam them in my
ears. I hate music from that period!

I keep hearing this talk about extra marital sex.
Is there such a thing?
Is that like twice a month or something?