Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes

I went to see my new doctor for my annual check-up.
She said I have to stop wanking,
I said,
"Why?"
She said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said,
"Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Mississippi, we
lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for
mah drink.

I told her that if she was uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate,
She shouldn't have sat next to me on the bus in the first place.

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary
society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the
more unsavoury areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty
dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to
give us an apple."

There's a lot of excitement among us Viagra users.
Word is that competition will drive the pill prices down to $1.
Anyway, they're supposed to keep us posted.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date
were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr.
Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just
waiting for Mr. Big."

Every woman should be told that Inviting an attractive female friend
into bed with you and your lover will earn you a diamond choker for
your birthday

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked,
"What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel."
The Pope replied,
"Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next in line was George W. Bush
"What was your sin, son?"
"I authorized unlimited torture on suspected terrorists, and then lied
about it to my countrymen." he answered.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked,
"What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope stroked his chin.
"Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing."

This Ass hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically asked,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I replied,
"There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured
her.
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of
testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

The difference between men and women:
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need;
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.