XX- Tueday's Groaners

"Rim Shot"
Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator .

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and
approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you
both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you
want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Two hill-jacks are sightseeing in Atlanta.
They decide to call it a day and go for a drink.
They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side
and flashing lights everywhere.
They sit themselves at the bar and one new looks up in the direction
of the mirrored wall and says to his friend.
"Hey Billy-Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys
just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."
"Well then Joe-Bob," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."
As Billy-Bob leaves to offer the drink, Joe-Bob shouts out.
"Hey Billy-Bob, sit down again. I think they're going to buy us one."

Jill, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of her
parties over the Holidays.
A friend of hers brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest.
She offered the friend a drink from the tray and said,
"I'm sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a Coke."
The Priest smiled and said,
"No need to. I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."
"Oh !" said Jill blushing, "I knew it was one or the other that I
wasn't supposed to offer you."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that
Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad.
Yeah.
It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." -- Conan O'Brien

On NBC, Barack Obama's infomercial pre-empted the new show "Knight Rider."
So, Obama is not even president yet, and he's already making America a
better place." -- Conan O'Brien

Two die-hard golfers, Mike & Steve, are out playing a round when a
thunderstorm comes roaring in.
On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead.
Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two men.
"Sorry, but we made a mistake" says God, "it seems that it was not
your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have to go back as
someone different. It's just too confusing since they already had the
funerals. In fact your wives are already dating."
After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and make
their request,
"We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes" says Mike,
"... Good looking dykes if you please" says Steve.
"That's no problem," replies God "but I must know why you guys want to be dykes"
"Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex with
woman..." says Mike,
"...plus" adds Steve " we get to play from the ladies tee."

A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation
in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about
exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller then
counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped.
"You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "that's the current rate of
exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"God damn it" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap Fuck breakfast, too! "

Men and women are different.
While a guy is having sex he's thinking how great it would be with a
different woman.
While a woman is having sex she's thinking how lousy it is with this guy.
"Parting Shot"

Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask,
"Mother, what was war?" -
Eve Merriam.