XX-Groaners for a Sunday.
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf Clubs so I could
get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night
out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed
a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my
3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?
Yours sincerely
David.
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A very nervous young interviewee was asked to meet her interviewer at
a local restaurant for breakfast, while they discussed her abilities
to perform a particular job.
Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested
that her toast be well done.
The waitress asks,
"You want it burnt?"
The interviewee replies,
"Well, I like my toast like I like my men."
The waitress replies,
"A little dark?"
Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out,
"Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I
put it in my mouth."
She was hired on the spot.
No-one believes seniors...
Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd
shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car,
practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money -- fifty thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking
for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armoured car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The police turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...'
The first policeman turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
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Dog Care.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says,
"So why are you here?" The Boxer replies,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but
the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's bed."
The Doberman says,
"So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks,
"Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the
vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say,
"So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children
beyond compare.
With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away.
He explained his mission to the farmer, asking permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied,
"They're lookin' to get married. So you came to the right place. Look
'em over and pick the one you want."
So, the man took the first daughter out on a date.
The next day, the farmer asked the man for his opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice... Pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man took the second daughter out on a date.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice... Cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might get better.
So, he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" and they
were married right away.
Months later, a baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified!
The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice... Pregnant when you met her."
Black Testicles.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned, that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
