Helpful Household Hints?

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to
lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe
Whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.