Groaners on a Saturday! Slightly adult content.

In Rio on a business trip, Sam found himself hampered, after working
hours, by the fact that he did not know the language.
He was at once delighted and dismayed, therefore, when a surpassingly
beautiful young Brazilian woman with a plunging neckline sat down at
his restaurant table.
"Do you speak English?"
"Is," she said with a bright white smile, "bot jus' a leetle beet."
"Just a little bit, he?" Sam repeated joshing. "How much?"
"Ninety-five dollars," was the prompt reply.

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high
blood pressure.
"The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
Joe said, "Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied,
"Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something?
I haven't had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!"

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and
was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany.

I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief.

Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his
overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow
privates came out to greet him.

Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then, he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers
giving him a lift;

They were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a
captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.

As the bartender set it down, he asked,

"Going to a costume party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday nights to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is
being remodeled.

Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room
with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Priscilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses."

While in the powder room, Priscilla looks at Penny and says,

"Penny, did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the
parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied,

"Priscilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper
in the parlor as we were playing poker!

It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with LARGE
thighs or women with THIN thighs. The results were pretty surprising!

Ten percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

Ten percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

The other eighty percent preferred what's in between!

Our church had a rather small man for a janitor and he was busy
sweeping up the trash around the parish hall.

As he was going about his cleaning, the father noticed he was putting
rocks in his pockets.

When the Father asked him what he was doing, he said,

It's very windy out there today and I'll get knocked around by the wind.

"So... Now I weigh me down to sweep."

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started
describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in,

"Yep silver -- to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,

Nancy's friend said,

"So, John, I guess you are going barefoot?"

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would
it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband?
He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks,

"What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Hmmm..." says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here.
But, sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you
happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says,

"Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another
man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith! I'll page him now!"

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the
Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his
father's lap.

Then he said,

"Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and
Mom would be a squawk?"
"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard,"
replied his daddy as he ducked.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner
without her family.

Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "That darned turkey just wouldn't sit still!"

There is one very serious Law Firm.
All staff comes to work at 6am and leaves around 11pm.
Suddenly, one guy started day at 9am.
All the guys exchanged "looks".
And he left at 6pm.
All the guys exchanged "looks".
Next day is the same story.
And the day after is the same story.
Finally, they come to this rebel to explain the rules.
He listened, kept quiet for a while and said:

"Excuse me guys, I am on vacation…"