Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: November 2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Half-Wit from Aberdeen Shire

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeen Shire. The Department of Work &
Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his farm hands and
sent an Inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him £ 200 a week plus free room and board. There is
a lady who cleans and cooks she's been here for 18 months, and I pay
her £ 150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work. He makes about £ 10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the man I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the Inspector .

"That would be me then," replied the farmer.

Grandma & Grandp

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive.'
'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one,
and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

Friday, November 28, 2008

Well Said !!!

Never tell your problems to anyone...

20% don't care and

The other 80% are glad you have them. -

Lou Holtz.

Never explain yourself.

Your friends don't need it and

Your enemies wont believe it. -

Belgicia Howell.

Forgive your enemies,

But, never, never forget their names. -

John F. Kennedy.

You must experience and accept the extremes. Because, if the contrast is lost,

You lose appreciation; and when you lose appreciation,

You lose
The value of everything. -

Philippos.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him
absolutely no good. -Ann Landers.

Being sad with the right people is better than being happy with the
wrong ones. -

Philippos.

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad.

Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will
consume you too. -

Will Smith.

If your problem has a solution then...

Why worry about it?

If your problem doesn't have solution then...

Why worry about it? -

Chinese proverb.

Laugh when you can,

Apologize when you should, and

Let go of what you can't change.

Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly,

Take chances,
Give everything and have no regrets.

Life's too short to be anything but happy - Unknown.

The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of
comfort and convenience,

But, where he stands at times of challenge and
controversy. -

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Pain never really goes away;

You just elevate and get used to it by
Growing stronger. -

Philippos.

You have to take the good with the bad,

Smile with the sad,

Love what you've got,

Remember what you had,

Learn from your mistakes,

But, never regret.

People change, things go wrong,

But remember life goes on!
- Unknown.

Always put yourself in the other's shoes.

If you feel that it hurts you,

It probably hurts the person too.
- Unknown.

Sometimes the people who hurt us the most are people who were hurt
more than us. -

Philippos.

I like to pretend that everything's all right.

Because, when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget
for a while that you're not.
- Unknown

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God
and angels know of us." -Thomas Paine.

The things that made me stronger are the ones that didn't let me sleep

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

I NEED A JOB

I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate.

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

* I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under
the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my
driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has
been 'lost' and is not available.

MILITARY:

* I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to
take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining
the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in
Vietnam .

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

* I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
* I began my career in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The
company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money.
* With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :

* I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies,
making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure,
Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America
.
* I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.
* I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
* With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my
father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the
United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

* I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record.

* I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.
*I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
* I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U.S. stock market.
* In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs
and that trend continues.
* I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My 'poorest millionaire, 'Condoleezza
Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
* I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.
President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime
campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay,
presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history,
Enron.
* My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election
decision.
* I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution.
* More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate
rip-offs in history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was
revealed..
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
* I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any
President in U.S. history.
* I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy
in the history of the United States Government.
* I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
* I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war'
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
* I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
* I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.
* I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
* After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade
Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world
history.
* I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protests against any person in the history
of mankind.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I
did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
Citizens and the world community.
* I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
* In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
* I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security.
* I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,' aWMD.
* I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
* All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
view.
* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President
attended, regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.
* I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

Internet Sayings.

Home is where you hang your @.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like home.com.

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

SPECIAL POEM.

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze my self

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they
Won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

CREDIT CRUNCH JOKES.

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office.
She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in
his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . And in
conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot
continue to operate this office with just one chair.'

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because, otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on
closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly
over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment.
But, at least Katie Price is still worth something.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic.
Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's
the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so
depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse
himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes
he can get us through the credit crunch. So, we're taking up a
collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so
far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are
still siphoning.'

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce.
I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'
Is it them or me?

You know it's a credit crunch when...

• The cash point asks if you can spare any change.

• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

• High-grove has been repossessed.

• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to
concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple, said the bank manager. 'Buy
a big one and wait.'

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well,
son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my
last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire
day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple
for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day
polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a
month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my
wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

And finally,

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a
world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You
know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make
one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well,
I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people
very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes
out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his
eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of
the window and make the whole country happy.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Recession is coming to town !

You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry

You'd better keep cash

I'm telling you why:

Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,

It's hitting you twice

It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise

Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares

It's worthless if you've got bonds

It's safe when you've got cash in hand

So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry

You'd better keep cash

I'm telling you why:

Recession is coming to town !

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A VERY VERY TRUE,AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT!!!!!!

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is
responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't
believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring
tears to your eyes.

Little Bruce and Jenny

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have
got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library **

Dear Fellow Constituent:

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the
planning stages and accepting donations.

The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to
remember anything.

3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even
have to show up.

4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has
been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first
visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and
sometimes fifth visit.)

11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed
location, complete with shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your
favorite Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic
8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help
you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W.Bush:

1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'

2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'

3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage
between a mother and child.'

4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between
prescription drugs and medicine.'

5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change.'

6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'

7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'

8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made
good judgments in the future.'

9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'

10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people
in the world..'

11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there
are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)

12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in
terms of not having it.'

13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may
not occur.'

14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've
made.'...George W.Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely,

Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair

G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Love is

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ..
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching
words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have
imagined. See what you think.

________________________________

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands
got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

________________________________

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

________________________________

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

________________________________

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

________________________________

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4
________________________________

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7
________________________________

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

________________________________

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
________________________________

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

________________________________

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

________________________________

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

________________________________

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

________________________________

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6
________________________________

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

________________________________

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7
________________________________

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4
________________________________

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4
________________________________

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

________________________________

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

________________________________

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
________________________________

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

________________________________

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our
small Victorian town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this
enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young
mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:
Mother taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the
stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for
hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he
always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed
able to predict the future! He took my family to their first football match.

He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never
stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mother would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing
each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the
kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the
stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not
allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our
longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned
my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit
the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a
regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His
comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of
my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as
he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today,
you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone
to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?.... . . .

We just call him 'TV.'

He has a wife now....

We call her .......

'Computer.'

Friday, November 21, 2008

A Fun Game!

A lawyer and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a

long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Italians are so dumb that he could

get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Italian would like to play

a fun game.

The Italian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he

politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and

says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't

know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know

the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Italians
attention and to

keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the

distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Italian doesn't say a
word, reaches

in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Italian's turn. He asks the lawyer,

'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The
lawyer uses
his laptop an d searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends

e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of

searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Italian and hands him $500. The

Italian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes

the Italian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?'

The Italian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and

goes back to sleep.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Why Arizona has no Daylight Saving Time

*Why Arizona has no Daylight Saving Time*

The state of Arizona listened to the Wise Old Indian.

When told the reason for daylight saving time the
old Indian said, 'Only a white man would believe that
you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to
the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'

Why Arizona has no Daylight Saving Time

*Why Arizona has no Daylight Saving Time*

The state of Arizona listened to the Wise Old Indian.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence
attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the
police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

WEDDINGS

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to
come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE
NEXT'.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Nail

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One
morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The
insemination

man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the

2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde,
the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very
confidently .
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Fast forward - The President (2009)

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House. He
spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine man and said, "Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it again and again."

The Marine man snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
Sir."

Helpful Household Hints?

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to
lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe
Whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.

A Short Customer Guide to Supermarket Checkout.

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your
cheque-book.
Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the
clerk and make sure your cheque book is balanced before giving up the
cheque.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items.
IT'S THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay.
That way, If he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at
HIM, not you.
If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him.
Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so
that when you are in the express lane you
won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not
finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need
to make the right decision.
Don't be rushed.
Get it right.
If you're not sure, just say, "BAG."
That way, they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide.
You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this
question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for
choosing paper or plastic.
Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give
them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable
to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind:
If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket
and put it on the belt.
Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of
the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know.
All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should
decide to make that night.
They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you
might want to go.
They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you
will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's
finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more
help is needed.
He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him.
After all the clerk has to be polite -- but, you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with
a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is
open.
You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an Item and you
don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3 something." The clerks love
that because they don't get to use their "SOMETHING" keys very often.

XX- Tueday's Groaners

"Rim Shot"
Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator .

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and
approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you
both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you
want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Two hill-jacks are sightseeing in Atlanta.
They decide to call it a day and go for a drink.
They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side
and flashing lights everywhere.
They sit themselves at the bar and one new looks up in the direction
of the mirrored wall and says to his friend.
"Hey Billy-Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys
just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."
"Well then Joe-Bob," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."
As Billy-Bob leaves to offer the drink, Joe-Bob shouts out.
"Hey Billy-Bob, sit down again. I think they're going to buy us one."

Jill, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of her
parties over the Holidays.
A friend of hers brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest.
She offered the friend a drink from the tray and said,
"I'm sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a Coke."
The Priest smiled and said,
"No need to. I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."
"Oh !" said Jill blushing, "I knew it was one or the other that I
wasn't supposed to offer you."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that
Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad.
Yeah.
It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." -- Conan O'Brien

On NBC, Barack Obama's infomercial pre-empted the new show "Knight Rider."
So, Obama is not even president yet, and he's already making America a
better place." -- Conan O'Brien

Two die-hard golfers, Mike & Steve, are out playing a round when a
thunderstorm comes roaring in.
On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead.
Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two men.
"Sorry, but we made a mistake" says God, "it seems that it was not
your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have to go back as
someone different. It's just too confusing since they already had the
funerals. In fact your wives are already dating."
After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and make
their request,
"We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes" says Mike,
"... Good looking dykes if you please" says Steve.
"That's no problem," replies God "but I must know why you guys want to be dykes"
"Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex with
woman..." says Mike,
"...plus" adds Steve " we get to play from the ladies tee."

A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation
in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about
exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller then
counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped.
"You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "that's the current rate of
exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"God damn it" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap Fuck breakfast, too! "

Men and women are different.
While a guy is having sex he's thinking how great it would be with a
different woman.
While a woman is having sex she's thinking how lousy it is with this guy.
"Parting Shot"

Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask,
"Mother, what was war?" -
Eve Merriam.

Its Hell to get Old..............

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
Then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open!'

Monday, November 17, 2008

XX - Blonde and the doctor....!!

a different version with an xx if you can get it..

A Blonde marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby
that was howling at the top of its lungs,

and demanded,' Do something about this baby'.

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. 'He's obviously not getting enough milk,' he said

sternly. 'Is he being breast fed?'

'Yes,' replied the woman.

'Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off.'

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very
thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and

sucking each breast vigorously at some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. 'You aren't producing any milk at all.'

'Of course not,' she responded.' It's my sister's kid.'

'Why on earth did you come?' asked the doctor in amazement.

'I didn't,' she replied, 'until you started sucking on the other tit'

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Male........Colonscopies Comments..

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Labrador

The man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black
Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog
is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns
to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his
seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent
says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note
of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for
a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks
the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Groaners on a Saturday! Slightly adult content.

In Rio on a business trip, Sam found himself hampered, after working
hours, by the fact that he did not know the language.
He was at once delighted and dismayed, therefore, when a surpassingly
beautiful young Brazilian woman with a plunging neckline sat down at
his restaurant table.
"Do you speak English?"
"Is," she said with a bright white smile, "bot jus' a leetle beet."
"Just a little bit, he?" Sam repeated joshing. "How much?"
"Ninety-five dollars," was the prompt reply.

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high
blood pressure.
"The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
Joe said, "Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied,
"Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something?
I haven't had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!"

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and
was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany.

I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief.

Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his
overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow
privates came out to greet him.

Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then, he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers
giving him a lift;

They were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a
captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.

As the bartender set it down, he asked,

"Going to a costume party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday nights to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is
being remodeled.

Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room
with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Priscilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses."

While in the powder room, Priscilla looks at Penny and says,

"Penny, did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the
parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied,

"Priscilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper
in the parlor as we were playing poker!

It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with LARGE
thighs or women with THIN thighs. The results were pretty surprising!

Ten percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

Ten percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

The other eighty percent preferred what's in between!

Our church had a rather small man for a janitor and he was busy
sweeping up the trash around the parish hall.

As he was going about his cleaning, the father noticed he was putting
rocks in his pockets.

When the Father asked him what he was doing, he said,

It's very windy out there today and I'll get knocked around by the wind.

"So... Now I weigh me down to sweep."

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started
describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in,

"Yep silver -- to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,

Nancy's friend said,

"So, John, I guess you are going barefoot?"

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would
it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband?
He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks,

"What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Hmmm..." says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here.
But, sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you
happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says,

"Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another
man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith! I'll page him now!"

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the
Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his
father's lap.

Then he said,

"Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and
Mom would be a squawk?"
"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard,"
replied his daddy as he ducked.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner
without her family.

Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "That darned turkey just wouldn't sit still!"

There is one very serious Law Firm.
All staff comes to work at 6am and leaves around 11pm.
Suddenly, one guy started day at 9am.
All the guys exchanged "looks".
And he left at 6pm.
All the guys exchanged "looks".
Next day is the same story.
And the day after is the same story.
Finally, they come to this rebel to explain the rules.
He listened, kept quiet for a while and said:

"Excuse me guys, I am on vacation…"

No matter what Political party you support, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep .The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies!

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of
the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I
return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and
$1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this
over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Large cigarette lighter.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says,

"Wow, that's a huge lighter…where did you get it?"

The guy replies,

"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish" says the Genie.

The guy says,

"I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring
in come ducks.

Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says,

"Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Girlie Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 10 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You
know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to
eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Smiles from kids..

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child
in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up
with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6 "
year-olds),

Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll --- stink in the morning.

No news is --- impossible.

You can't teach an old dog new --- maths.

Love all, trust --- me.

The pen is mightier than the --- pigs.

Where there's smoke there's --- pollution.

A penny saved is --- not much.

Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to
blow your nose.

There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder.

When the blind leadeth the blind --- get out of the way.

And the favourite:

Better late than --- pregnant!

Old Age Quotes....

"Gray hair is God's graffiti."
-Bill Cosby.

"Old age is no place for sissies."
-Bette Davis.

"Age is a question of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
-Satchel Paige.

"Just remember, once you're over the hill,
You begin to pick up speed."
-Charles Schulz.

"Don't worry about senility,
My grandfather used to say.
'When it hits you, you won't know it'."
-Bill Cosby.

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
-Mark Twain.

"Inside every seventy year old is a thirty five year old
Asking, 'What happened?' "
-Ann Landers.

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
Eat slowly, and lie about your age. "
-Lucille Ball.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
But they turned sixty, and it was the law."
-Jerry Seinfeld.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy.
It's a question of finding a sickness you like."
-Jackie Mason.

"Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.
Pull on rubber gloves. Smear Vaseline over your glasses,
And there you have it: instant old age."
-Malcolm Cowley.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Happy Halloween

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little
whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's ....... !

......been ....sweeping around!!!

cute stories

1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There
are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and
there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."

========

3. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note
under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If
I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll
lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."

========

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked, "You know - Our Father, who
does art in Heaven... "

========

7. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. "

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

8. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre
of attention.

========

9. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?" The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

========

10. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped
by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

11. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to
know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ________

Sunday, November 09, 2008

GOOD QUESTIONS BUT I WONDER WHO HAD ALL THAT TIME TO THINK OF THESE

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered
rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny
for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Collection of Very Clean Humour...

May sound vulgar if you have a vulgar mind..

1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?
The letter W.
2. What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Coconut.
3. What's about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it, and women
love to get their hands on?
A $100 bill.
4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?
Bubble-gum.
5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man's pajamas
that you can hang a hat on it?
His head.
6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog
does on three legs?
Shake hands.
7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?
Legs.
8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from it, and
is also called a big swinger?
A crane.
9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up. And, also
gets wet before you do?
A tent.
10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
A dentist.

11. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when you're bored?
The best man always has me first..
A wedding ring.
12. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both, men and women go down on me..
An elevator.
13. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and makes you
feel good when you blow it?
A nose.
14. When I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When
I come, it's news.
A newspaper boy.
15. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your
fingers to get me off.
A glove.
16. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes with a quiver?
An arrow.
17. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little
pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
A bird.
18. This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches
long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end
And a small hole at the other.
In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes
slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it
is thrust in and drawn out
Again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound resulting from the well-lubricated movements.
When finally, withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have
ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is it?
It is your very own toothbrush.

XX-Groaners for a Sunday.

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf Clubs so I could
get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night
out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed
a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my
3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?
Yours sincerely
David.

---------------------------
A very nervous young interviewee was asked to meet her interviewer at
a local restaurant for breakfast, while they discussed her abilities
to perform a particular job.
Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested
that her toast be well done.
The waitress asks,
"You want it burnt?"
The interviewee replies,
"Well, I like my toast like I like my men."
The waitress replies,
"A little dark?"
Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out,
"Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I
put it in my mouth."
She was hired on the spot.

No-one believes seniors...

Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd
shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money -- fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking
for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armoured car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The police turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...'

The first policeman turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

------------------------

Dog Care.

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says,

"So why are you here?" The Boxer replies,

"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but
the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's bed."

The Doberman says,

"So what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks,

"Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the
vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say,

"So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

------------------------------------

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children
beyond compare.

With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away.
He explained his mission to the farmer, asking permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied,
"They're lookin' to get married. So you came to the right place. Look
'em over and pick the one you want."
So, the man took the first daughter out on a date.
The next day, the farmer asked the man for his opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice... Pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man took the second daughter out on a date.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice... Cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might get better.
So, he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" and they
were married right away.
Months later, a baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified!
The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice... Pregnant when you met her."

Black Testicles.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned, that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

ANGER MANAGEMENT COURSE - SUPER !

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a**hole!'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
and hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first a**hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a**holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a**hole #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'

I said,
'Make me,'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'As**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your a**,'

I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my g#y lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the cr@p out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Friday, November 07, 2008

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds All Day.

15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock Bottom.

16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Adam & Eve's Nationality

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Sri Lanka Economist are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm despite having no possessions" muses the
Englishman. "They must be English!"

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both unrestrained and beautiful.
They must be French!"

"You are both wrong," says the Sri Lankan economist. "They have no clothes
and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told
they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are Sri lankans!"

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Only a person in Alabama could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a
sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Orange Beach , Alabama , noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with
the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and
fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and
off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off
a couple of times,

honked the horn and then switched on
the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more
of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking
lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer
test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm
the Designated decoy.

Old Age....

THE OLDER CROWD.

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

*********************************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then, you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.'

The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'

' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'

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