Real Classified Advts:

The following are 86 real advts

—Classified and otherwise—

Published in newspapers across the USA

Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll
get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not
guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Lose all your weight, only $49.
Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L,
auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.
For rent—six-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.
Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.