Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: August 2008

Sunday, August 31, 2008

One-Liners.

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing
exactly alike.

For fast acting relief, try slowing down. --Lily Tomlin.

The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep. --W. C. Fields.

Indecision may, or may not, be my problem. --Jimmy Buffett.

Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on
my plate?

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her."

So............... if you give her crap, you get a bucket full of bull
shit!!!!!!!................:)

XX- "PASS THE NOTE"

This is a little risque ..do not read if easily offended.

John woke up one morning immensely aroused.
So he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though,
And she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up,
John called his little boy into he room
And asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."

The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take
This to your silly Daddy.

Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this
To the poor dude upstairs."

Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But, I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Real Classified Advts:

The following are 86 real advts

—Classified and otherwise—

Published in newspapers across the USA

Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll
get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not
guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Lose all your weight, only $49.
Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L,
auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.
For rent—six-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.
Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Fwd: United Nations Assembly made the world community smile.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the
United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Palestinian began:

"Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,

'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.

An Israeli had stolen them."

The Israeli representative jumped up furiously and shouted,

"What are you talking about? The Israeli weren't there then."

The Palestinian representative smiled and said

"And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor of the Harvest Festival,
you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will
grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a
beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers
in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
even more attractive than the blonde.She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully for the last time I said, 'BRING POSSE!'"

Senor. Ernesto's Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
Caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod..'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf
club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!'

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Only the english could have invented this language !

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN
PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS

Monday, August 25, 2008

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Fore-ploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.

Harro harro

A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins
and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the
bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round
the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules
of the refuse collector's code but in the spirit of kindness, he
knocks on the door. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese chappie..
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret" explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
smiles and tries again.

"No mate, where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'" says the Japanese man – still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector.
"You're misunderstanding me. Where's your w h e e l i e bin?"
"Ok. Ok " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.

" I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister.........!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hospital charts

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot

in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Men from Space

Two aliens landed in the desert near Birdsville. They spotted the
petrol station that was closed for the night.

They walked up to the old time petrol pump and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us
to your leader.'

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien
became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, 'I'd
calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the
pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way!
Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien warned his comrade again saying, 'You don't want to do
that! I don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien, then he aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet
and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry
creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How in the name of hell did you know he was so
dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's something I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can
wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

MORE OF THE INTERNECINE STRUGGLE 'TWIXT THE ANTIPODEANS

Is this brilliant or what?

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three
of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no
more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health..

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... . . . . .red
sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of
romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He
fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

Monday, August 18, 2008

The pet Centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's
place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm
putting my f****** shoes on!'

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Three old ladies

These three old ladies and their dogs

were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation

when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,

stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

FREQUENT FLYERS TO NOTE - NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, Sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B.. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5.
It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant:Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger:Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to
hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.
Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant:No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger:This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit,
and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate.
But, first I need that $10.
Passenger:No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant:Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else
I can do for you?
Passenger:Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem
to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant:Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two
quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of
charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter?
What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Sarcastic Quotes

-- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back

-- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research

-- A day without sunshine is like night.

-- Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

-- Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

-- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

-- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

-- A metaphor is like a simile.

-- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme.

-- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different
by dressing exactly alike.

-- Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you
move bodies."

-- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."

-- Life is hard. Its even harder if your're stupid."

-- "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

-- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- "Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

-- I wanna be different just like everyone else.

Two good ones.......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would
think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Parent - Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless
sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone call's, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated
devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None..
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards
right..

Forward this to all the PARENTS you know,

in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with Special Love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I
return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Lucille' instead of
"John".

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going? ' enquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells,
the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It
is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain, '
reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she feltthat
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced, ' as she put it.
'That is a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shotat
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it
up right away. '
And God reached down, removed the middlebreast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation? '
'Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. '

God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let ' s
see............where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than the rib version?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

6 weeks , 6 months , 6 years .

Dating process:

6 weeks : I love YOU, I love YOU, I love YOU.
6 months : Of course I love YOU.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love YOU, then why the hell did I propose?

********
Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

********
Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

********
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

********
Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

********
Apology:

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

********
New Dress:

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

********
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

********
TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN. If you're not in the mood, go to
bed. I can stay up by myself

************

Monday, August 11, 2008

My Best Comic!

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the 2008 Beijing Olympic games:

He begins with "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!".

Immediately his speech-writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers:

"Mr President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is underneath."

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The world's oldest recorded joke...

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the
bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons --
"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?

Answer: A key."

Nov US Elections(Irish style)

THE IRISH - SUCH CLEAR THINKERS.

An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to
ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to
hold an election in the United States ...

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who
can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary
against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet
another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants
to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name
starts with the appropriate Mc terminology, married to a good looking
younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lords name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies???

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Abo style.

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.
'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'100,' she replies.
He says,
'Do you do Aboriginal style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So, finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style.'
She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every
kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad
could Aboriginal Style be?''.
So, she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that
was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'
The Aboriginal replies
'You send da bill to da Gubament'

Rope

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man
of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the
road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, 'What are them cows up to honey?'

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, 'Why can't you see? Them cows,
they're roping!'

She replies, 'Oh, I see!'

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, 'What are them horses doing honey?'

The husband answers again, 'Them horses, they're roping!'

She replies, 'Oh, I see!'

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to
get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers
her husband's penis.

'Oh my!' she cries, 'What is that?'

'Well, darlin'' he chuckles proudly, 'That's ma'rope!'

She slides her hands down further and gasps, 'Oh my goodness! What are
those?' she asks.

'Honey, those're my knots!' he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride
says, 'Stop honey, wait a minute!'

Her husband, panting a little, asks, 'What's the matter honey, am I
hurting you?'

'No,' the bride replies, 'undo them damn knots, I need more rope!'

Friday, August 08, 2008

UNFAITHFUL WIVES

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our
bed."

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Quality

A man boarded an aircraft at Sydney and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she
was heading straight towards his seat and bingo ! She took the seat
right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out.
'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business, I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked 'What's your
business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer.' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really'. He smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well.' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish!'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name'
'Tonto, ' the man said....... Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy'

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Flight to JFK

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,
I need to get up and get a coke.'
Dont get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up |the Marines shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good, I'd really li ke one, too.' Again, the Marine
obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone
the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When
the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his | |feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be
this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

Friday, August 01, 2008

A Classic

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long
time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for
marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would
like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked
her in the eye and casually asked ............

"Is that one word or two?"

XX - Where do you think politicians come from?'

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband
had developed a penchant for Anal Sex and she was not sure that it was
such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do', the woman replied

'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice Anal Sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? - you can get pregnant from Anal Sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Monday, August 11, 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Friday, August 08, 2008

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Friday, August 01, 2008

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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