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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

One liners to wince over

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change
supplier I think.

OH HELL !! ... Let's Offend Everybody !!!!!!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans

On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in Northern redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already
in the United States

OH be quiet ... Just pass it on!.....

A Little Poem, So True It Hurts ...........

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seemed much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'living in the past !'

We used to go for weddings
Football games & lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.

We used to go out dining
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home & take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near & far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in a car.

We used to go to night clubs
And drink a lot of booze.
Now we stay at home at night
And watch the evening news.

That my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So enjoy each day & live it up,
Before you're too damn old !

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Punyawathi & Karunadaasa

BRILLIANT SRI LANKAN HUMOUR

There was once a married couple, named Punyawathi and Karunadaasa.
They had a son who was about 22 years old.
One day this couple thought of opening a Tours & Travel business.
So they bought a bus and, using the first two letters of their names,

they called it "PuKa."
(Punyawathi + Karunaadasa).

After a while the business began to do very well; Puka Tours was in full swing.
Now this son of theirs began an affair with a girl whose family
wanted to find out more about him. So they went to the girl's house
to meet her parents.
However, only Punyawathi was at home as Karunadasa was at the river
washing the bus.

When the guests asked where Karunadasa was, Punyawathi replied: "Puka hodanava".

Obviously, the guests were quite upset about these people's language,
and sat down to talk.
The girl's father then asked Punyawathi from where they got their
income.
Punyawathi replied: "Pukenma thamai".

When the guests, now quite shocked, decided to leave, Punyawathi
stopped them saying:
"Poddak innako, dan Karunadasa awilla ogollo serama pukenma arii."

Today is a fine day...

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife couldn't take it and asks her husband:

Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day, today is a
fine day.. I am fed up. Stop it.

says Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will
leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.

WD-40

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet' The doctor
then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet.' The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...
'Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f??kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

How children perceive their grandparents.

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before..
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods"
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough.. to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks.. and they blame their dog..

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
IT WILL MAKE SURE THEIR DAY IS Great.!

Being Blonde

A blonde girl came skipping home from school one
day."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it
to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school..
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"

Thursday, October 17, 2013

It's An Age Thing !

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I
hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the
fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did ! " replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight ".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Church Bells Ringing -Joke of the Day

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A Very VERY VERY IRISH Joke

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to
the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
"Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse
replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to
hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and
he suffocated.

WHEN I am 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, JUST LET ME.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

Monday, October 14, 2013

Some Legal Jokes, For Free

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house, with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call
from Home Depot, who installed them. The guy there complained, that
the work at my house had been completed, a year ago, but that I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo?!, just because I'm blonde, it doesn't mean that I am also
automatically stupid?! So, I told him, just what his fast-talking
sales guy had told me, last year. That these windows would pay for
themselves, in a year. Hellooooo!? It's been a year, so they are paid
for, I told him.

There was only silence, at the other end of my phone line. So, I
finally hung up. That guy, never called me back. I bet he felt, like
an idiot.
..........................................................................................

A man went to his lawyer, and told him, "My neighbour owes me US$ 500,
and doesn't want to pay me. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter, asking him for the US$ 1,000, that he
owes you", said the lawyer.

"But it's only US$ 500?!" replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply, and we will have the proof, that we
need", replied the lawyer.

............................................................................................
The professor of a Contract Law class, asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange, for you."

The professor was outraged, and said, "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give
and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,
claims, titles and advantages, of and in the said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and
advantages with full power, to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the
same, or give the same away, with and without the pulp, juice, rind
and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or
deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind, whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher's shop, and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog, as belonging to a
neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be, a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor, and
said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast, from my butchery, would you be
liable, for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?"

The pleased butcher replied, "US$ 7.98".
A few days later, the butcher received a cheque in the mail, for
for US$ 7.98. Attached to it, was an invoice that read, 'My Legal
Consultation Charges - US$ 150'.
............................................................................................

The lawyer's son, wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. So he
went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home, to
join his father's legal firm. At the end of his first day at work, he
rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what? In
one day, I managed to solve the Accident Case, that you have been
working on, for the past 10 years!?" His father responded, "You
idiot?! We lived comfortably, on the funding of that case, for the
past 10 years!?"

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together...
And then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement...

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN

XXX ADULT PUNS!

"You look mad, Jill. Why are you so upset?"
"It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to another woman! I'm
better qualified and have been at the company longer!"
"Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?"
"Well, from what I understand, it's on her knees under his desk!"

The New York Police Department fired all their gay detectives
Because
They kept blowing all their cases.

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the
film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering
for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G. E. Logo printed on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So, he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young
man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said,
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied,
"Hellooooo. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Confucius Say:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always
after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"

Good:
Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad:
Making a sex Ed video.
Worse:
He's the star of it.

What Love Means to a 4 to 8 year old

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time
, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mom and
Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend
who you hate , '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mom gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mom sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford .'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mom sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little
boy said , 'Nothing , I just helped him cry'

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND!!!

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.

When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get
a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening, I'm ready for some home-cooked food
when I walk through that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills
during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or
even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her
figure.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice
big cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just relax for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make
one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is
easy.
Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I
will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on
this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
Inches of grip showing.
Ron, somehow without looking, must have accidentally sat down on his golf club

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