Communication mix up

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied,
"No, it was salty."
Mom fainted.

What word starts with"f" and ends with a "k" and if you can't get it you
have to use your hands?
Fork.


DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked one the door of a house.
"Want to buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're going to screw me out
of my strawberries."

Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch, string them along with some half-lies and evasions,
probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

After receiving the Nobel Prize, Sinclair Lewis became an object of great
interest, some of it quite fascinating.
One day, a letter arrived at his home, written by a young woman who said she
would like to be his secretary.
In the letter, she said she would do anything for him, adding
"And when I say anything, I mean anything."
The letter was intercepted by Lewis's wife, Dorothy.
She took it on her own to respond to the young woman, writing in her letter
that Lewis already had a secretary.
She went on to say that he also had a wife who did everything else for him,
adding:
"And when I say everything, I mean everything."


A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to
send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while,
someone knocks on his door.
When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army
uniform.
He looks surprised but invites her in.
She says,
"You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says,
"Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she
stops suddenly and says,
"By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married"
So, she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?" the Texan asks. Her reply,
"We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy!"

A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says,
"Come again."
The blonde stops and says,
"No, it's mustard this time."

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XX Adult Limericks,

This is from a contest in Oxnard, California.
The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the
Unabomber) in a limerick.

Here are the three winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'T'was "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
Now she's nursing the filling at home!



As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she
read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age, it's time for you to learn the
difference."

Everyone is talking about phone sex.
I tried it once, but the holes were too small.

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm going
to do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as
to where to go? Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Marie got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the
Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and damn if Marie didn't get pregnant
again."
Lester asks Billy Bob,
"So, what are you going to do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says,
"This year, I'm taking Marie with me."


Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them
now.
It's a short time between shitty diapers to a shitty attitude.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank that were
worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results
of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally, he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with
you."
That's when she shot him.
You know, men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, especially when
drunk!


Bill Clinton went to Victoria's Secret when the panties were half off.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one,
So, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and
find out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found
himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently took his
hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read.
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The Old Lady kicked me out after she
caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's
throat! "

THis morning in biology class.
We had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.

Putting up a tent, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her,
Unzip the door,
Put up your pole and
Slip in to the old bag.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Close first cousins got caught sneaking
Having sex in the barn squeaking.
And though it's unlawful
They weren't all that awful;
At least relatively speaking.


Confucius Say:
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a 'bull-shit'.

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store
information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.
He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the
crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by
mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors,
he said,
"Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to
suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep
stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor
manager, laughing. "And then, I just start quivering all over."

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he
goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range
bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every
time it looks like raining.
That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up one his new toy and heads
over to her parents house for the first time.
As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner,
don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots."
The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word.
The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his
girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So, he decides to
shag his bird one the table, and still there is not a word.
He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still,
amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices
the rain one the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike,
So, he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts,
"Okay! Okay! I'll do the stinking' pots!"

You tell a woman really likes oral sex
If she hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses could come down
to earth and visit mortals, sometimes coupling with them.
One morning, a sweet young thing told her mother,
"I think a god coupled with me last night."
"Really?" her mother asked.
"I wonder if it's Thor?"
"Thor?" the girl asked. "It'th tho thore I can't touch it with a powder
puff!"

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew,
She fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say,
"Oops, gotta run!"

The Burger King got the Diary Queen pregnant
When he forgot to wrap his whopper.._,_.___

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X Race Tips

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling
paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked
through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100
at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the
lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her crotch. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?' she asked.
'It paid a fortune?'
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched'

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart


There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the
appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:
"If NOT weary, call Sherry 867-5309."

Chris Christie's office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight,
has undergone a "Lap-Band" procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to
congratulate him Christie had to explain,
"Uh Mr. President, that's BAND, not DANCE."

An old farmer decided to get a new rooster for his hens because the current
rooster was getting on in years.
He bought a young rooster and turned it loose into the barnyard.
The old rooster eyed the new arrival with concern and said,
"So, you're the new lover in town? I'm not ready for the chopping block just
yet. I am still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around the hen house. We'll run around 10 times, and whoever finishes first
gets all the hens to him self."
"You're on."
The young rooster said,
"And considering you age, I'll even give you a head start of about a half
lap."
The two birds took their marks and the race began.
After the first lap, he was still ahead, but by the fifth lap he was barely
in the front of the young rooster.
The farmer, hearing the commotion, grabbed his shotgun, and ran out into the
barnyard, and watch in disgust as the two roosters ran around the hen house.
He aimed his shotgun, fired, and blew away the young rooster. As the farmer
walked away; mumbling to him self.
"Damn that is the third cock sucking rooster I've bought this month."

The most enjoyable form of sex education is
The Braille method.

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asks,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," The boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks,
"With whom?"
"With you," he admits with a blush.
"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a
condom."

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize
that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose," whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started
getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a
lousy lay."

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's
friend's private area.
She slapped him, and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.
As the years passed, and Little Johnny grew to become a man, he was sitting
in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her
breasts, when she said,
"Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"
He said,
"I can't, Its got teeth!"
"Don't be a fool," she said, "Have a look if you don't believe me."
So, he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs.
He looked in and said,
"I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums like that!"

Confucius Say:
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen,
While
A baby is the result of standing cock.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was
mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.
The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break
them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action
immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed.
"How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said,
"That's my dog and he can dish it out, but he can't take it."

Giving a BJ is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

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Best Blonde Joke To Date..

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked,
'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day.. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble...'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the
Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!


There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands
with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded,
'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over ---
So now we're going to Sea World.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A guy was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a
cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said,
"I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never screwed a cop before!"

Hey, don't knock masturbation!
It's sex with someone you love.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down one the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -- He
has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open.
She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran -- but you don't get offers like
that every day.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to
Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you
can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"

John was on a business trip for a few days, and one night he went looking
for a little 'action'.
He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar, and took her back to his hotel
room.
Little did he know that she had a snapping pussy and was darn near a
nymphomaniac.
After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack
of cigarettes.
One the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of
panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look. It's okay. She's not here!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- Is that spooky or what?

One day Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead
with its legs up in the air.
She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day, when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey, what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh Jesus I'm
coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she
would have been a goner."

School girl to mother:
"I do not want to go to the sex education class."
"Why not?"
"Because the final exam will be oral."

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Finding Common Ground

The 18th Camel There was a father who left 17 camels as the inheritance for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third). The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels. As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man. The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels. Now, he started reading the deceased father's will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels  1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels. Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17, and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took away.   The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th ground the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution.  If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!

 

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

I thought that we never would part
So, I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She's not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart



Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says:
"I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much
is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist
responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies:
"TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old
man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the
secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he
gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring.
Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say?"
I just said,
"The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks."

To keep his favourite tool from rusting,
Popeye sticks it in olive oil.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to
have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.
Again, she slammed the door and screamed,
"Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.
He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said,
"Yes," just to see how he would react.
The man replied,
"Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to
keep away from my wife!"

Doug brought Tammy back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
Tammy took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

One day, God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied,
"Please give me the good news first. "
Smiling, God explained,
"I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will
allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve
will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will
be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly
be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these
organs at a time."

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day
And
Anal sex makes your whole weak.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket
of his shorts.
Later, one his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for
the lights to change.
A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust "Tennis ball," came
the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once."

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to,
"Your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in.
"Why the Hell would I want a half naked milkman?"

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Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish.

The Mayor, member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on
I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the Mayor. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Funny Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
But
I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "
I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
So, they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly, it sank,
Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Did You Know ...

Dalmatians are born without spots.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The `v' in the name of a court case does not stand for `versus', but for
`and'
(in civil proceedings) or `against' (in criminal proceedings).

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left.

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink.
All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by
a bee.

Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

The color blue has a calming effect.
It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

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Quotes Of The Day ... Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi became the symbol of the Indian struggle for independence in the
first half of the twentieth century.
Apart from the Indian nationalists who rallied under his leadership, he
inspired writers, political figures, and filmmakers.
One of the most famous works inspired by Gandhi was the 1982 Richard
Attenborough movie in which Ben Kingsley starred as Gandhi.
If you have watched the movie you will definitely remember a Gandhi quote or
two.
Here are some more inspiring quotations by the great man.
Each Gandhi quote in this collection abounds in practical wisdom.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the
world -- that is the myth of the atomic age -- as in being able to remake
ourselves.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you
win.

God is conscience. He is even the atheism of the atheist.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's
superior.

No power on earth can subjugate you when you are armed with the sword of
ahimsa. It ennobles both the victor and the vanquished.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

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XX Adult Limericks.

There was a young dentist Malone
Who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
*****

From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!" Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."
*****

A Man's occupation
Is to shove his Cockulation
Up a women's Ventalation
To increase the popultation
Of the human Generation
I got this information
From a book of education
For a free Demonstration
Lie Down.
*****

A remarkable fellow named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.
*****

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
Both of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
And Jack came down with a boner!
*****

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WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children are watching you & doing
as you do,
Not as you say.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
First painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
Wanted to paint another one.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
Stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
To animals.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
Favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
Things can be the special things in life.


When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer,
And I knew that there is a God I could always
Talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
Meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
Learned that we all have to help take care of each
Other.


When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
Your time and money to help people who had nothing,
And I learned that those who have something should
Give to those who don't.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
Of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
To take care of what we are given.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
Handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t
Feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
Responsible when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
From your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
Hurt, but it's all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
Cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.


When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
Productive person when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
Wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when
You thought I wasn't looking.'



WE DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences
the life of a child.

How will you touch the life of someone today?
Just by sending this to someone else,
You will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

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Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him.


'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'

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Alexander The Great - Last Words - legacy in life !

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way,
he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his
face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword
and all his wealth were of no consequence.

He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last
adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not
permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay
prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.

He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have
three wishes, please carry out them out without fail."
With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their
king's last wishes.

"My first desire is that", said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry
my coffin."

After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is
being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with
gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury".

The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and
continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling
out of my coffin".

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But
no one dared bring the question to their lips.. Alexander's favorite general
kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that
your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange
wishes?"

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to
know of the three lessons I have just learnt.

Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...

I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that
no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a
person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the
graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with
me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let
people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I
wish people to know that I came empty into this world and empty handed I go
out of this world".

With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him
and breathed his last. . . .

LESSONS TO LEARN

Remember, your good health is in your own hands, look after it.
Wealth is only meaningful if you can enjoy while you are still alive and
kicking.
What you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others, lives on.

It is called "Legacy."

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