Some 'stand-up' gags to brighten your day - or not !!

 I had a mate who was suicidal.
 He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
 He was chuffed to bits..

 My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
 "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
bound to be curious about sex at that age."
 "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her  appendix out!"

 A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out
and thumps against the windscreen.
 Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
with a cock like that."

 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
 He replied, "No, just having a shit."

 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
 How could anyone stoop so low?

 I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

 I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
 She said I had to stop w @ nking.
 When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
 I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it  start?"