Giggles on Valentine's Day.

Perfectly Paired Puns.
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for
my husband.
When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken
zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine."
I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them.
On the package, I put a huge red heart on which I printed:
"My Heart Pants for You."
I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to
our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box.
On it he had written:
"Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman.

A Little Nuts About Love.
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand
that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was
painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared:
"Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna.

Check Out a Romance.
I met my husband while I was working in a science library.
He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually
decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and
started rummaging through my desk.
I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.
Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify
reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will
have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in
capital letters, it read:
"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow.

Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.
I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we
met over the Internet.
He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naively replied,
"I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell.

Pastoral Passion.
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers
selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding
a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier
choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
"Would you have anything in black flannel?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo.

9 to 5 Love.
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the
first few months of the year.
In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers
for Valentine's Day.
While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he
obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him.
His note read:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I weren't thinking of you,
I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf.

Mower Than a Greeting Card.
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.
Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on
Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered
she was expecting one.
Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary.
Then, he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the
office -- and got an idea.
Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers,
next to which he wrote:
"I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
Mark's wife loved it.
The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde.

Irresistible Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it
was time to start dating again.
Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my
local newspaper.
I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and
discovered a message from my ex-husband.
"I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there
I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper.
Don't bother calling the guy in the second column.
I can tell you right now it won't work out.
That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel.

Making the Grade.
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but
hard, grader.
One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine
season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with
the pre-printed inscription:
"BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read:
"Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox.

Read All About It.
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.
Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner
at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to
see if he had written a note to her.
Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for?
Aren't dinner and flowers enough?
Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell.

Devoted and Determined.
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding.
Suddenly, my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts,
received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled.
Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.
He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally
planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.
After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied,
"Okay, okay!"
Then, as an afterthought:
"But, don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron.