Saturday, February 28, 2009

Some 'stand-up' gags to brighten your day - or not !!

 I had a mate who was suicidal.
 He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
 He was chuffed to bits..


 My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
 "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
bound to be curious about sex at that age."
 "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her  appendix out!"

 A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out
and thumps against the windscreen.
 Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
with a cock like that."


 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
 He replied, "No, just having a shit."


 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
 How could anyone stoop so low?


 I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

 I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
 She said I had to stop w @ nking.
 When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


 I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
 I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it  start?"

Read More...

MENSA

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and
several members lunched at a local café. While dining, they discovered
that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full
of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a
job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came
up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty
saucer.

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the peppershaker
contains salt and the saltshaker—"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the
caps of both bottles and switched them.

Read More...

Friday, February 27, 2009

Flies, Flies and Flies !

Young Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Every
time he sees a fly he utters, 'damn flies, damn flies.'

Just as he says it , a shocked priest walks up and says, 'You should
not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a
purpose.'

Johnny was , unmoved by the priest's objection and says, 'bullshit.'

The priest, again shocked by the boy's language, asks, 'Well ,tell me
three things on this earth that God has made without a purpose?'

The Johnny looks at the priest, thinks 'this stupid bugger' and then
with a grin replies, ' Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these
damn flies! '

Read More...

How Sub-Prime works..

One day, a plain-looking man came in with a pretty girl to the Gucci
store in Causeway Bay (Hong Kong Island).

He chose an Gucci hand bag worth HKD65,000 for the pretty girl. When
it came time to pay, the man took out a cheque book and wrote out a
cheque. The salesperson was hesitant because the couple hadn't
shopped there before.

The man discerned what the salesperson was thinking and he said
calmly: "I sense that you are concerned that this cheque may bounce,
right? Today is Saturday and the banks are closed. Let me suggest
that I leave the cheque and the handbag here. When the cheque clears
on Monday, you can deliver the handbag to the lady. How about that"?

The salesperson was reassured and gladly accepted the suggestion. In
addition, he waived the delivery charges. He promised that he would
personally make sure that this gets done.

On Monday, the salesperson took the cheque to the bank. The cheque
bounced! The irate salesperson called up the client and complained
bitterly and called him names. The client calmly told him:

"What is the big deal?


Neither you nor I have suffered any loss?


Last Saturday night, I went to bed with that girl and had a night of
terrific sex. Oh, by the way, I thank you for your co-operation."

This story reveals the nature of the sub-prime mortgage crisis. When
people have high hopes for huge future returns, they lower their guard
about the potential risks. This pretty girl thought that the HKD
65,000 Gucci hand bag was going to come home on Monday, and so she
lowered her guard. Therefore, she believed that her investment in the
ONS (one night stand) was worth it, even though it was based upon huge
and highly uncertain risks.

Investment companies are great with packaging high return (but high
risk) deals. The stock market speculators are like this pretty woman.

Read More...

Serves him right

*A**n RCMP officer goes to inspect a farmer's land.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear
pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to
the farmer.
**'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?'
** The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer
running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs....*

*"Your badge!  Show him your fricking badge"!!.*

 

Read More...

CLEAN.. can be funny...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband!


***************************************************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the letters...


   'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' The optician asked?
'Read it?' The Polish guy replied,  - 'I know the guy!'


***************************************************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonay..


*************************************************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen..
to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The
wife stared at him... 'What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied,
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!'

*************************************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair..

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*************************************************************************************

Read More...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like
being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Read More...

mothers & daughters-in-law!

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their
mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better
seeing relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the
daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were traveling in was involved
in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot. The daughters in
law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by
one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her
loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are u crying
so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?" to
which she replied,

"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Read More...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Endearing and loving terms do not always mean you love someone

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man
leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man hung
his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is?

Read More...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Guido, the Italian lover

 The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian

 gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite

 bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a

 spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to

 the point where he led her back to his apartment

 and, after some small talk, they retired to his

 bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a

 pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So,

 you finish?'

 She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

 Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling

 resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and

 there were screams of passion. The sex finally

 ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You

 finish?'

 Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,

 cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

 Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this

 woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet

 again. Using the last of his strength, he barely

 managed it, but they ended together screaming,

 bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely

 able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,

 smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

 Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered

 in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

 

Read More...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Amazing but true.... How you get undressed reveals your personality...!!!

1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly,
life-of-the-party type.

You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about
what others think of you.

Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it?

But it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!

2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you
are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm.

You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to
deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place.

You are a perfectionist.

By nature you are quite shy.

You are observant and you know more about some people than they think,
just because you've watched them.

You are dependable and sometimes intense.

You think carefully before making decisions.

You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration.

You know how to pay attention.

3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the
pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally
bright and intellectual.

You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the
meaning of things.

You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled.

Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are
concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're
worried about your own needs.

You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy.

You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come
from your own head!

Give yourself a break;

You don't have to be perfect.

5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etcetera
before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person.

You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends.

You are a natural born romantic.

6) If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the
same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person.

You enjoy a broad range of activities.

You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure.

You are very social.

Read More...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dr. Bumbutu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she
decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of
Dr. Bumbutu's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'

Read More...

One liners...

1. I say no to alcohol,

It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.


And my favourite ...


31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else.

Read More...

The Aging of a MOTHER.

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it..

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom .

Read More...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Exercise for People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level!!!!)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Read More...

How to negotiate a pay raise the Mexican way

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did
'Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well? '
'Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

Read More...

I'll Show Them!!!

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much
money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make
$400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, * '* *He's the take-away Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's.'*

Read More...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

History: 101. Humour.

For those that don't know about history ...

Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet.

So, while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include:

The domestication of cats,

The invention of group therapy,

Group hugs,

And

The concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note:

Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men .

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to
make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud.

They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, chiropractors, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military,
airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.

They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America .

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative, on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals
just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self.

Read More...

POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS.

Excellent poems by not so famous poets...
Found on toilet doors and walls...

A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted.

Someone who had a different experience wrote:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls....

Toilet's walls also double as job advertisement space... (written high
upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,
The Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Read More...

Some 13 Points to Ponder.

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach,
You're aiming too high.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
You've got sick of him.
3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
4. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ---
They try harder.
6. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't and 'stop' (but not used together).
7. Definition of a man with manners ---
He gets out of the bath to pee.
8. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
You will usually find that he is.
9. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
five men ---
A woman.
10. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ---
Strong, Caring, Loving.
They'd be wrong but you could still use them.
11. Men are like animals ---
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets!
12. Men's brains are like the prison system ---
Not enough cells per man.
13. Husbands are like children ---
They're fine if they're someone else's.

Read More...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Farts!!!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

Read More...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here.."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the
'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Read More...

Friday, February 13, 2009

Some men never listen....

Oldie but still good

In a Chicago hospital a gentleman made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom but it was continuously occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament and said, "Sir,you may use the
ladies' rest room but please make sure you don't touch any of the
buttons on the wall inside the toilet."

So he did what he needed to do and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by a letters. WW, WA, PP and a red one marked ATR.

Who would know if he touched the buttons? He couldn't resist.
So he pressed the WW. Warm water was gently sprayed upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling he thought, men's rest rooms don't have such nice
things !
Anticipating more pleasure , he pressed the WA button next. Warm air
replaced the warm water gently drying his underside.
He next went on to press PP. That was heaven indeed ! A large powder
puff caressed his bottom adding a scent of spring flowers to his
unbelievable pleasure.
This rest room is something out of this world he thought and couldn't
wait to press the ATR button. He was certain that it would bring
supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew was when he opened his eyes, he was on a hospital
bed, the same nurse staring down at him.
" What happened ?" he asked. The nurse replied, " The button marked
ATR is an automatic tampon remover"

" Your dangler is under the pillow."

Read More...

Giggles on Valentine's Day.

Perfectly Paired Puns.
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for
my husband.
When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken
zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine."
I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them.
On the package, I put a huge red heart on which I printed:
"My Heart Pants for You."
I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to
our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box.
On it he had written:
"Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman.

A Little Nuts About Love.
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand
that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was
painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared:
"Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna.

Check Out a Romance.
I met my husband while I was working in a science library.
He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually
decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and
started rummaging through my desk.
I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.
Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify
reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will
have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in
capital letters, it read:
"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow.

Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.
I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we
met over the Internet.
He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naively replied,
"I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell.

Pastoral Passion.
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers
selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding
a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier
choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
"Would you have anything in black flannel?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo.

9 to 5 Love.
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the
first few months of the year.
In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers
for Valentine's Day.
While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he
obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him.
His note read:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I weren't thinking of you,
I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf.

Mower Than a Greeting Card.
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.
Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on
Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered
she was expecting one.
Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary.
Then, he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the
office -- and got an idea.
Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers,
next to which he wrote:
"I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
Mark's wife loved it.
The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde.

Irresistible Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it
was time to start dating again.
Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my
local newspaper.
I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and
discovered a message from my ex-husband.
"I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there
I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper.
Don't bother calling the guy in the second column.
I can tell you right now it won't work out.
That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel.

Making the Grade.
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but
hard, grader.
One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine
season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with
the pre-printed inscription:
"BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read:
"Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox.

Read All About It.
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.
Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner
at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to
see if he had written a note to her.
Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for?
Aren't dinner and flowers enough?
Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell.

Devoted and Determined.
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding.
Suddenly, my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts,
received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled.
Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.
He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally
planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.
After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied,
"Okay, okay!"
Then, as an afterthought:
"But, don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron.

Read More...

Why God made Moms....

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mom s have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of th at.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

Read More...

What causes goose bumps? and other trivia

1. What causes goose bumps?
Goose bumps (scientific name: piloerection) pop up when you're cold or
afraid. A tiny muscle at the base of each body hair contracts;
together, they appear as naked bumps on the flesh. They made sense
eons ago, when humans still had a natural "fur coat." Back then,
fluffing your ruff would warm the body by trapping an insulating layer
of air between the hairs. And standing your hair on end was
intimidating to predators or enemies (picture a cat facing off with a
dog). Evolution has since stripped humans of their pelts. Now goose
bumps are, of course, no medical issue. If you're uncomfortable
showing off your vestigial physiognomy, dress warmly, place yourself
in calm environments, and avoid horror flicks.
2. Why does chopping onions make you tear up?
When you cut into an onion, you rupture its cells, releasing enzymes
that produce a gas called propanethial sulfoxide. Once that gas
reaches your eyes, it reacts with tears to produce a mild sulfuric
acid. And that hurts. The brain then signals the eyes' tear glands to
produce more liquid to flush the stuff out. The more you chop, the
more irritating gas you produce and the more tears you shed. "The
onion's chemical reaction is a defense mechanism that evolved to repel
pests," explains University of Wisconsin-Madison horticultural
professor Irwin Goldman, Ph.D. Keep the stinging and crying to a
minimum by chilling an onion in the freezer before cutting it; cold
temperatures slow release of the enzymes. The highest concentration of
enzymes is at the bottom of the onion, so cut it last to postpone the
weeping (and the irritation) for as long as possible.
3. Why do your joints crack?
The most common type of joint in the human body is the diarthrodial
joint—knuckles and shoulders are examples—in which two bones come
together in a capsule. Inside that joint capsule is a lubricant called
synovial fluid, which contains dissolved gases. When you stretch the
joint, you're actually compressing it and the fluid within, forcing
those nitrogen-rich gases to escape the synovial solution. The release
of "air" within the joint capsule is what you hear as a "pop." Once
the gas is released, the joint is a bit more flexible (enabling you to
go a little further in a yoga pose, for example). But you've probably
noticed that you can't immediately crack the same joint again. That's
because the gases released in a pop must first reabsorb into the
fluid, a process that takes 15 to 30 minutes. If you habitually crack
your knuckles to relieve tension, try concentrating on your breath for
30 seconds instead. Knuckle cracking doesn't lead to arthritis, but it
can lead to decreased grip strength.
5. What makes your eyelid twitch?
This annoyingly common condition is known as eyelid myokymia. Not a
lot is known about eye twitches, which are more likely to occur in the
lower eyelid than in the upper, though they're probably caused by the
misfiring of a nerve. But experts know that fatigue, stress, and
caffeine all increase the likelihood of the pesky twitching. So do
eyestrain, poor nutrition, excessive alcohol intake, and allergies.
Fortunately, eye twitching is almost always benign and usually goes
away by itself. To put an end to a bout of the eye flutters, cut down
on coffee and alcohol and give your eyes—and your whole body—a good
night's rest.
7. Is it true that your ears grow throughout life?
Yes, the outer ears do. Starting at birth, the ears are,
proportionally, the body's largest feature, with a Spock-like
prominence. They grow rapidly until about age 10, then slow to the
languid pace of about 0.22 millimeter per year, according to a study
by Britain's Royal College of General Practitioners. Other studies
show that the earlobe itself also lengthens throughout life (men have
longer lobes than women). However, the size of the ear canal, which is
formed by bone and cartilage, does not increase into old age.
8. Is it true that all babies are born without a single freckle?
Babies, of course, can be born with birthmarks and "beauty marks," but
it's true that upon entering the world they have no freckles, which
the skin produces (using excess pigment) in response to sun exposure.
As babies get out in the sun, those with fair complexions and light
eyes will be especially prone to developing freckles (and will have a
higher likelihood of skin cancer and melanoma later in life). "Those
freckles on the redheaded kid's cheeks aren't cute—they're sun
damage," says Robin Ashinoff, M.D., director of dermatologic surgery
at Hackensack University Medical Center. "And freckles probably also
indicate damage to the DNA in your skin cells." Children and adults
alike should have their freckles monitored regularly by a
dermatologist and vigilantly use sunscreen of SPF 30 or higher.
9. What causes the feeling of "pins and needles"?
Called paresthesia, pins and needles are caused by blocked blood flow
to a pressed nerve. If you sit too long in an awkward position—or even
just with your legs crossed—you may press hard enough on a nerve to
interrupt its signaling to the brain, causing your feet, for example,
to "fall asleep," or go numb. This is not the same as a pinched nerve,
a longer-lasting condition that occurs when a part of the body,
swollen because of injury or misalignment, applies steady pressure on
a nerve. Paresthesia is usually felt in the extremities—hands, feet,
and ankles. That crazy-making prickly sensation is the resumption of
pain messages to the brain. Simply changing your position is almost
always enough to allow the nerve to resume communication. But prickly
feelings more rarely can be symptoms of diseases as diverse and
serious as diabetes, lupus, and MS. If your pins and needles don't
resolve quickly with a change of body position, see a doctor.
10. Why are there rings or halos around lights when you drive at night?
This phenomenon falls under the category of "spherical
aberration"—just one of several examples of how the human eye is
optically imperfect. In daylight, the pupil narrows to a very small
opening, allowing light to hit the very center of the lens. At night,
when the pupil dilates dramatically to allow maximum light to enter,
your eye is using a much larger swath of its lens to see. "The farther
out on the lens you go, the less perfect the optics are," says
Duffner. "And as you get off center, those light rays won't be focused
to the center of the eye." You see circles, well, because your lens is
round. Almost everyone sees these rings, and if you've always seen
them, you're probably just fine, he says. But halos can also be caused
by opacities in the lens—a sign of cataracts. So if seeing halos is
new to you, see a doctor for a cataract exam.
11. Can "cankles" actually be good for you?
Maybe. Scientists haven't studied the significance of ankle shape, but
other research on fat distribution may point to an answer. Ankles that
have lost a bit of definition over the years and appear to merge with
the calf (hence the hybrid word) might actually improve your health
profile, as long as you're not seriously overweight. Fat stored in the
intra-abdominal region—in and around the organs—correlates highly with
metabolic disorders, such as type 2 diabetes; fat in the legs is least
linked with these maladies. Wendy Kohrt, Ph.D., professor of medicine
at the University of Colorado Denver, found that postmenopausal women
who had a relatively high level of leg fat (as opposed to abdominal
fat) had lower risks of heart disease, hypertension, and type 2
diabetes. Leg fat, she explains, may protect postmenopausal women by
drawing triglycerides out of the bloodstream, where they constitute a
risk factor, and into fat deposits in the legs and, possibly, cankles.
Her findings suggest that removing lower-body fat cells—by
liposuction, say—may not be a good idea: Women who do may begin to add
weight to fat cells in the more dangerous midriff zone, she suspects.
12. How could chewing sugarless gum and eating cheese prevent cavities?
Every time you eat, bacteria in your mouth react chemically with the
food and introduce an organic acid that can cause tooth decay. By
dislodging food, rinsing teeth, and diluting acid, saliva counters
this process. The key is to keep it flowing, which is where chewing
gum—or at least chewing—comes in. "We showed that the simple
mechanical act of chewing stimulates salivary flow," says James Wefel,
Ph.D., director of the Dows Institute for Dental Research in Iowa
City. As for cheese, its fats may act as a protective barrier for the
teeth; it also contains calcium and phosphate, which may discourage
decay and strengthen teeth. What this all means to you: Limit
between-meal nibbles, thereby reducing the number of acid exposures.
Chew sugarless gum after meals. Or do like the French and finish your
meal with a few pieces of cheese.
13. Why does your side hurt sometimes when you laugh really hard?
Two classic causes of a "side stitch" are running and prolonged
laughter. Those activities have at least one thing in common: exertion
of the diaphragm. "When you laugh really hard, you're sucking in a lot
of air, which fills the lungs and pushes down on the diaphragm while
the abdominal muscles are also contracting and pushing up on the
diaphragm," explains Robert Gotlin, D.O., a sports physician at Beth
Israel Medical Center and former director of orthopedic rehab with the
New York Knicks. All of which, of course, happens scores of times each
minute when you're howling. The repeated compression can produce a
muscle spasm that we all know as a stitch. "Sometimes when you laugh a
lot, you get a pain in your right arm as well as the side stitch.
That's because the nerve that supplies the diaphragm also goes to the
right shoulder," he says. So, in addition to busting your gut, a
hearty laugh can mistakenly make you think you're having a heart
attack. Try breaking the rapid cycle of diaphragm punishment that we
call laughter by slow, deep breathing between fits of hysteria. And
avoid eating big meals, which draw blood to the stomach, before
settling in for an evening of "30 Rock" reruns.

Read More...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord
said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should 'offend' just about everybody.

Read More...

Cute Story...

Someone recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was
afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if
he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he
could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress from the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would
be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But, as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the
air, out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a
little kitten.

No, nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and
went on about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart, and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater, and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days earlier, the child had begged again, so the mom
finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let
you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came
flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right
in front of her!"

Read More...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

True or False?

Can you guess which of the following are true, and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors
a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!

6. Only 07 percent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5
years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a
tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 07th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


Now, think about your answers,
And
Re-read them,
Then, scroll down to the bottom for the answers......

No peeking early!!!

They are all true....

Now go back and think about No. 16...ick!!!

Read More...

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Children's Science Exam.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain;
The borax contains the heart and lungs,
And the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
(I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Read More...

Friday, February 06, 2009

Be Specific

The Ostrich story...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

MORAL OF THE STORY
When you make requests, be specific. precision is of utmost importance.

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Thursday, February 05, 2009

Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Irony In Middleast !!!

What happens when a fly falls into a cup of coffee? HOW THE WORLD REACTS!!

 

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

 

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

 

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

 

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.



The Russian
- Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charg
e.

 

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

 
The Palestinian leader- blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinians.

 

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Sunday, February 01, 2009

Pay your bills

The Itch:

 

 Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

 

 Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He 

 knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to 

 touch them, but he had to try.. One day Nick revealed his secret

 desire  to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief

 doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for

 Nick to  more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to  arrange it.

 

 Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

 The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and  poured a

 little bit into the Queens bra while she bathed. Soon after she 

 dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned

 to  the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the

 King  and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,

 would  cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the

 saliva of  Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

 The  King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

 chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

 powder, which he  put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,

 Nick worked  passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts.

 The Queens  itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied

 and hailed as a  hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found

 Horatio demanding his  payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession

 now satisfied, Nick  couldn't have cared less and, knowing that

 Horatio could never report  this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

 

 The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching 

 powder into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

 

 The moral of this story............

 

 Pay your  bills

 

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