Thursday, November 30, 2006

Walmart ...here I come..

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.

He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton------

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you
from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Regards,

Wal-Mart

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Poor man!

Thought 1 #

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.


What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.!

Thought 3 #


A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head andkill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening
around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"


Thought 4 #


Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on
him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing..........but not the poor groom!

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Irish Flat screen TV's


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How corporate behaviour is fashioned

Start with 5 monkeys locked in a cage.
Hang a banana from the roof on a string and place a set of stairs under
it.
Before long the monkeys will go to the stairs and start to climb toward
the banana.
As soon as the first monkey touches the stairs, hose the other monkeys
with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. All
the other are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and goes to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys
attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries
to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,
then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is
attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys
have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around
here. And that, my friend, is how corporate behavour begins

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Good stuff...

_________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do! you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Retired as yet...??

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!





Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.

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Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan)

staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down

but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention

but the old drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this

side either."

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Good ole Irish ...

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini

after martini, each time removing the olives and

placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the

Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan

had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives

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Bad luck ..

Two friends meet in the street. The one lad looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty- five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"And this week - nothing

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Genesis]

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" !


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said



*


*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

*
*
*
*
*
*


"What's a headache?"

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Poor man ...









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Amazing - watch for a while

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Bull mess

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.

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XXX - Ice cream (HMMM!)

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of

chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery

didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice

cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,'

as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'fuck,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no fuck in chocolate."

"That's what I've just been trying to tell you!" she screamed.

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Mistress

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.


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XXX- Train Tickets

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.

She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus !.

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FW: News Item

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented bra
that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men
took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

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FW: "The Knob" xx


A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.


The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a


small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head.


It can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a


brand new facelift.


Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the


effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.


After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two


problems.


"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have


turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results.


But now, I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these


terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."


The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those


are your breasts."


She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."





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Sermon on the Mound

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's
Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.


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Sunday, November 26, 2006

FOX HUNT

WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE, LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING




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Fwd: Bored at WalMart?

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping, preferring to
just get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day
Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the a larm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible " theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

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Contrary Proverbs

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction...

Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!

There always exists two sides of the same coin!

U be the judge..

Contrary Proverbs

All good things come to those who wait.

BUT

Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

BUT

Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.

BUT

Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free .

BUT

There's no such thing as a free lunch .

Slow and steady wins the race .

BUT

Time waits for no man .

Look before you leap .

BUT

Strike while the iron is hot .

Do it well, or not at all.

BUT

Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.

BUT

Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.

BUT

Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.

BUT

Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.

BUT

It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.

BUT

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.

BUT

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.

BUT

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

BUT

One man's meat is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

BUT

Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.

BUT

Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.

BUT

Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

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This guy does a great job impersonating Bush.

Need sound

Click here

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Office 2007 is here!

Some Features you may Need on your Computer








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BANISTERS, FOR INSTANCE .... ON A SUNDAY MORNING ...


Things to remember as you slide down the banister of life:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
     It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies.  Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.  I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
 

11. I'm so depressed.  My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.  He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.  I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.  I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.  He said, "Will?  What Will?  I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager?  God's punishment for enjoying sex.

 As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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XXX- Legs and all that

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"

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XXX - Las Vegas Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright.

And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

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Nice quotes ..

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author
Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children." --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew
Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the
day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob
Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren
Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'" --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
beer." - W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?

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12 Days of Christmas ...

Bollywood version ...need sound

Click here

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Fwd: The importance of listening

Apple Computer reported today that it had developed computer chips
that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.


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TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important



Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

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Why Most Men Are Republicans..............

Click on picture to make it bigger and then on the back arrow key to return to the Blog..


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Rent or ....

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her
for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that:

1 - it had been previously occupied,
2 - there wasn't any heat, and
3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following note:

" Dear Sir:

1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.

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WHY BOYS RUN FASTER THAN GIRLS

Ball bearings and a gear shift!!

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XXX- The real reason why we grind our teeth in our sleep

And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning.....

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No Oscars for these ....




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Like them thin????...all yours..




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Herd this before ...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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XXX - Birds nest

One mother was very worried about the bird tattoo her daughter had got below her naval. She could not understand what her son-in-law would say after marriage.

When her daughter got married,she asked what her new husband told. The daughter replied, "Well,he didn't mind the bird,but he sure got excited when he saw its nest below it."

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XXX - Nun and the Priest

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. They dusted themselves off and surveyed their situation.

Finally, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I've never seen a woman's breasts. I was wondering if I could see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm, so the nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Of course, sister."

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

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XXX- Sunday Humour - don't start your day without this one

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where
the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil,
"you're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely
have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got
three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the
FIRST room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!"
George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, And I don't
think I could do that all day long".


The Devil led him to the SECOND room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and
over, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented
George.


The Devil opened the THIRD door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."


The Devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

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XXX - Milking cows and all

At the Punjab Agricultural university, the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked, "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"


The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't screw you afterwards, how would you feel!"

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The Preacher's Salary

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up
and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his
children!"

There are more sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
Preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed
you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
"Screw the Preacher".

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Taxes

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the
most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had
the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the
kids.

How many times do our hard earned dollars have to be taxed???
What Happened
?

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges, IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it:
_____________
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat;

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has,
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

If he hollers,
Tax him more;
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove me
To my doom."

When he's gone,
Do not relax —
Its time to apply
Inheritance tax.

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AN APOLOGY .... ???


A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai.

He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining.

Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

____________ _________ _________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,

but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.

He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!"

Yours awfully,

RAMKHILAWAN YADAV

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This is addictive:-

Can you park the car..? it must go front end first in the space provided...try it and be frustrated as you have 60 seconds to do it ...

Use the 4 arrows on your keyboard, and the space bar for brake.

Click here

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Good grief...or wunderbar ....

Click on picture to make it bigger and then click on browsers back arrow key to return to the Blog.


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Fwd: Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation

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The Test


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


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21 Types of Bosses

1. The Martyr Boss
The martyr boss has done, does, and always will do anything for the good of the company. He has worked Christmas Day, with pneumonia, in a snowstorm. He walked to and from work for 5 weeks after his car accident, with both legs broken. He stays every night until 8 pm without extra pay. How do you compete? You don't. You listen. He'll probably be there way past retirement, so it's best to learn how to deal with him early on.

2. The Screamer Boss
The screamer boss seems to think that he will get his way if he raises his voice to an unconscionable level: the higher the volume, the higher the commitment. How does a screamer end up a boss? Some clueless hiring managers equate screaming with managerial skill. All in all, screamers just want to know that they're being heard, and they want recognition. If you can get along with your screamer boss, and gain his respect and trust, perhaps you can help guide him to lower tones.

3. The Fearmonger Boss
People do what a "fearsome" boss says because they're afraid of him, which actually encourages further intimidation. He always has a threat, and he constantly follows through with that threat in order to keep his employees acquiescent. This boss has a high turnover rate as he fires employees to keep up the fear factor, and good employees leave him, refusing to work for such an ogre. A fearsome boss cannot last. Eventually, he will burn out every employee he has, and an organization's bottom line cannot sustain the costs involved. Karma will get this one.

4. The Manipulator Boss
Also known as the Machiavellian boss, this type is extremely intelligent and one of the most dangerous. The manipulator boss is highly focused, very motivated, and always has a secret plan. He looks at people as a means to an end. The world is a giant pyramid and the apex is his. People he touches or runs over on the way to the top are casualties he writes off. If you work for a manipulator, watch your back. Your best bet is to be open and honest with him. Volunteer information. Your boss, who has long forgotten what truth is, will be left impressed by it.

5. The Bumbler Boss
The bumbler boss is the dunce of the bosses. The best way to deal with your bumbler boss is to help get him promoted. When bumblers are promoted, they are notorious for promoting the people underneath them. Besides, sooner than later, executives will see your boss for the dunce that he is, and he'll be shipped off somewhere. Now of course, following this advice makes you somewhat of a manipulator, but if you can't get out from under him, why not help you both climb up? You're not responsible for what happens at the top.

6. The Clueless Boss
The clueless boss is not dumb ? he's just uneducated. Perhaps he just started with the company, is unfamiliar with the technology, or is temporarily out-of-touch due to personal problems. A clueless boss can be a good boss who is just off-track at the moment. The best way to deal with this type of boss is to teach him, and bring him up to speed. You'll be surprised at how fast he comes around, and he'll have you to thank!

7. The Old-Schooler
The old-schooler dwells on the good ol' days, on "the way things used to be." However, if he is so entrenched in the past, eventually he will stop being able to function in the present. An old-school boss, despite his resistance to move on, does have a great deal of information and can contribute to the best interests of your organization, as long as he is able to accept gradual amounts of change with guidance. Be patient, and try to remember that "new" is not necessarily better ? it's "different." See if you can get him to that point.

8. The God Boss
The god boss, a true megalomaniac, is about power. You'll notice the engraved gold plate on his office door, desk, and chair proclaiming his rank. He might take outrageous liberties like having an employee clean out his car. When you question him, he'll just point to the gold plates. Rest assured that his cloak of power hides great incompetence. How to get along with a god boss? Humour him. Follow his rules, and create the illusion you're doing things his way. Remember, he'll never control your mind.

9. The Teflon Boss
This non-stick boss is especially prominent in public affairs. Any blame slides right off him. He does not give straight answers to straight questions. If something goes wrong, unparalleled documented evidence surfaces to prove he was somewhere else at the time. The non-stick boss is more of a nuisance than a danger. When dealing with him, it's best to keep detailed accounts and records of your conversations.

10. The What Boss?
The what boss? is always missing in action. He becomes harmless because he's just never there. When he's in the office, take advantage of his presence. You'll feel miffed at the lack of justice ? you slaving in your cubicle eight hours a day, five days a week for half his salary, while he's out on the golf course... but remember ? it could be much worse. You could have a screamer.

11. The Paranoid Boss
The paranoid boss is outright suspicious of everyone's motives. Anything anyone does could be attempts to undermine him. This boss' feelings of inadequacy will clearly end up interfering in what's best for the company and his employees. What you can do? Reassure him, and always be honest and forthright.

12. The World-on-his-shoulders Boss
Though this boss might present himself as tough, he can barely hide his inadequacies. He absorbs the world's worries, and worries for the world. He frets about little details. He arrives at the office in the morning, flushed and frazzled, because he was lying awake the night before agonizing over numbers and orders. How to deal? Be gentle, but try to avoid much interaction if you can. The nervousness can be contagious.

13. The Buzzword Boss
The buzzword boss loves his designer clothes, cars, pen, and toothbrush. What he loves even more are those clichés he heard at the latest management seminar. Get your barf buckets ready folks, this boss adores the fact that, remarkably, there's no "I" in team, that he can't spell success without "u," and that for him to assume would make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." Though not for the easily queasy, this boss is essentially harmless. Grin and bear it. And, if you can ? teach him some new words on a regular basis.

14. The Buddy Boss
The buddy boss wants to be your friend, not your "superior." He wants you to like him, and because friends stick up for friends, it might be a good investment to spend some time with him. However, be forewarned: hanging out with buddy boss during your work hours could have you working nights to keep up. The key here is balance.

15. The Two-minute Boss
The two-minute boss is a cross between a god boss and a world-on-his-shoulders boss. He impulsively demands control over situations ("What have you done when I was on vacation?") and then cuts off your answer two minutes in because he doesn't have time to discuss it. He frequently, yet randomly, asks you to write reports on your progress, but will rarely remember that he's asked. The two-minute boss constantly gives the impression that he is way too busy to bother with details. His head is always somewhere else ? somewhere more important. Working for this boss is an exercise in the art of speaking concisely. Try to fit everything you have to say in a two-minute timeframe, and see what happens.

16. The Patronizing Boss
The patronizing boss is an old-school martyr. Didn't you know? - he built the company from the ground up! In fact, he made the chair you're sitting in. You, as an underling, need his holiness's guidance to see you through the most mundane and simple of tasks. His help, however, always leads to ? you guessed it - trouble. How to deal with the King of Condescension? Try a little deflation. Ask him how is it that someone as knowledgeable and talented as him is working for this little company.

17. The Idiot Boss
The idiot boss is characterized by cluelessness and stupidity. It's as if he just walked into the office yesterday and started running it. Your choices here can be limited. Doing nothing will leave you embittered, but what can you do when you can't change an idiot? Well, you can change your reaction. The world is full of idiots in charge, but don't let it get you down. Do your personal best, and realize that in some way, your boss serves a purpose. Figure out what it is.

18. Lone Wolf Boss
The lone wolf prefers to ride solo. He stays in his office or works from home, avoiding human contact, especially employee interaction. He could be a tech whiz who was promoted based on his outstanding hard skills, but he's not necessarily a people person.
The lone wolf boss leaves you on your own, so don't expect teamwork or career goal discussions. Look to build your work and networking relationships elsewhere.

19. The Perfectionist
The perfectionist is a micro-manager who likes to control all of your work. The behaviour is obsessive, and leaves you with very little trust in your own abilities. Over time, you'll learn that nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. Instead of losing all motivation, learn to work for yourself and your own standards. At one point, sit down with your boss and ask him to explain his expectations (even put them in writing) so you both can "get on the same page."

20. The Eccentric
The eccentric boss has unrealistic expectations for his staff. He has a unique way of completing his work, and expects his employees to work in the same manner. He can be gentle, but often causes confusion around his expectations and explanations of projects. This boss is likely to play favourites (as he gravitates towards others with similar interests). The eccentric boss would most likely rather be doing something else, and sometimes this will show.

21. The Great Boss
Ahh, the great boss ? the supportive motivator - the boss who treats everyone with fairness regardless of politics. He communicates, keeps an open door policy, and encourages others to follow suit. He leads by example, provides superior training, and a positive work environment. He has vision, is not afraid, and doesn't scream. He coaches his staff, and when employees leave, they will talk about him for years to come.



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Friday, November 24, 2006

Udurawana's leave application




* Dear Bossa,
I could not come to your office and my office
(that is our office) today because of a
unfortunate accident that happened last night
when I fell on a Coca-Cola crate on the spot.
The doctor's medical report tells me that
cannot walk well for a few days and that it
will take time to be in shape again.
Please find in the attachment,copyof my
X-ray taken last night.
Thanks!!!
Yours hurtfully,
Udurawana*



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lateral thinking

Many years ago in a small village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter.

Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide
the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white
pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one
pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her

father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.
What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers. What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did .....The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked." Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one.

And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.

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