Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

If I were a physician and my patient notified me that his erection
lasted longer than four hours, I would resent the little showoff.
Four-hour wood.
Keep it to yourself.

Kiss Me:
The two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you? "
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing.
They've never met.

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her
attorney's office.
"On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
"On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every
night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts
like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said,
"If that is the case, I will file your petition,".
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard
sandpaper his!"

If you think sex is a pain in the ass,
You're doing it wrong.

A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down
on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

We know men invented maps.
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.
Dave says,
"Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."
"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the
short hairs on a short leash?"
"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."
Then he said softly,
"But she's the Director of Pussy."

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts
stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says,
"Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says,
"You're right."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her shrink's couch, telling
him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be
a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I
tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said:
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says:
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

At a drug test you don't need to scoff.
Whip it out and just pee in a trough.
If you pass, then urine,
Else the job you don't win.
The result? It just might piss you off.