Fwd: Adult Puns!

XXXX ADULT PUNS

During workouts the gal really tried
To get shapely, and not be denied
The bondage and joys
With teenager boys.
You could say she was "fit to be tied."

At first, she resisted his gropes.
He felt bad, and it dashed all his hopes.
Her experience? Lots!
So she called all the shots,
Just because he had knot learned the ropes.

His tight-fitting pants she unzipped.
Into straps made of leather he slipped.
All her flagellating
Was like masturbating.
So she stopped, 'cause she knew he was whipped.

She was driving him out of his mind,
When she said, "I do think you will find
It is times just like these
That I do as I please.
After all, they're the ties that bind."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

I keep seeing advertisements on TV for 'male enhancement' pills.
Thanks just the same, but I'm one of those lucky guys who has no need
for that sort of thing.
I have a girlfriend with a really small vagina.

Confucius say:
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to
go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the
bed with legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do -- I laid her twice and smacked her
in the face!"

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a
handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.
As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs
whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.
"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find
someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on
it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should
she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar.
Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment.
"If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part
of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my
place and I'll show you."
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest
cock she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it,
then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back.
"That's how I got the hump on my back."

RED RIDING HOOD:
A Russian condom.

Zeke and Emmy Lou got married and had a new baby every year or less.
After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the doctor that they
were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured out what was
causing them.
The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before
they made love.
Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again, and the
doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested
they do.
Zeke said,
"We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the piano."

A girl in my high school class bought a bicycle and peddled it all over town.

Men are like vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

The learned judge looked down from the bench at the young woman who
was suing her husband for divorce.
"Your Honor," the young woman said, "I just can't live with my husband
anymore. He's a hobosexual."
"Just one moment," interrupted the judge, considerably confused.
"Don't you mean homosexual?"
"No, your Honor," insisted the woman. "I mean hobosexual. He's a bum lay!"

I made a date with a masochist who was starved for affliction,
But
She called to break the date because she was going to be tied up all night.