Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

An adventurous lad from Kildare
Was screwing a girl on the stair.
The banister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

He: "I have a ten inch package!"
She: "I find that hard to swallow!"

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk
all over her.
If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

The witch couldn't conceive
Because
The wizard has crystal balls.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less
attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look
larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were
making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they
spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
"Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground.
"Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with
little Miss Pretty, or we throw them both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.
The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake,
rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent.
Cletus entered and said,
"Now, little girl, you're going to find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

You tell when an auto mechanic just had sex.
One of his fingers is clean.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a
tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen -- the works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo -- what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

An employer gave his secretary a dress for her first week's salary.
The next week, he raised her salary.

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeballs to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night