Fwd: Thoughts on Sex ...

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

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Fwd: Lexophiles (Humour)

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using wordsin
rather unique ways, such as;
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
Or
"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
. The batteries were given out free of charge.
. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
. A will is a dead giveaway.
. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
. When you've seen one shopping Centre you've seen a mall.
. Police were called to a day care Centre where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

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Fwd: ... Today's Quotes ...

.. Today's Quotes ...

Life is uncertain,
Which is why you should always eat dessert first.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Voltaire

Don't throw away the old bucket until
You know whether the new one holds water.

Never underestimate your problem
Or
Your ability to deal with it.
-Robert H. Schuller

Destiny is no matter of chance.
It is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for,
It is a thing to be achieved.
William Jennings Bryan

Just because you are blind,
And
Unable to see my beauty
Doesn't mean it does not exist


Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided
To see beyond the imperfections.


Once a women has given you her heart
You can never get rid of the rest of her.
Sir John Vanbrugh

Genius may have its limitations,
But
Stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

If I were a physician and my patient notified me that his erection
lasted longer than four hours, I would resent the little showoff.
Four-hour wood.
Keep it to yourself.

Kiss Me:
The two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you? "
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing.
They've never met.

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her
attorney's office.
"On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
"On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every
night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts
like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said,
"If that is the case, I will file your petition,".
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard
sandpaper his!"

If you think sex is a pain in the ass,
You're doing it wrong.

A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down
on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

We know men invented maps.
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.
Dave says,
"Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."
"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the
short hairs on a short leash?"
"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."
Then he said softly,
"But she's the Director of Pussy."

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts
stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says,
"Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says,
"You're right."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her shrink's couch, telling
him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be
a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I
tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said:
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says:
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

At a drug test you don't need to scoff.
Whip it out and just pee in a trough.
If you pass, then urine,
Else the job you don't win.
The result? It just might piss you off.

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Fwd: Fw: Secure your Home! Safe at last

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner,
two Tamil Tiger flags in the back garden
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre of the lawn.
The local police, AFP, ASIO, ASIS and SAS are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my life.

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Fwd: Word Play ...

Word Play ...

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a–hole.

Sharing the shared, with thanks

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Fwd: Everyday Phrases & Their Original Meanings

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'

In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a
glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the
bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a
"shot" of whiskey.

'THE WHOLE NINE YARDS'
American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a
belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9
yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have
given it the whole nine yards.

'BUYING THE FARM'
This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life
insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an
average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.

'IRON CLAD CONTRACT'
This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant
something so strong it could not be broken.

'PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE'
Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife
company. When playing poker it as common to place one of these Buck
knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When
it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were
given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would
"pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the
buck stopped there".

'RIFF RAFF'
The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to
south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were
expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way
over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts
was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low
class.

'COBWEB'
The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".

'SHIP STATE ROOMS'
Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger
cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after
states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

'SLEEP TIGHT'
Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the
frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top
of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag.
The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep.

'SHOWBOAT'
These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a
steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike
the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine.
They were gaudy and attention-grabbing which is why we say someone who
is being the life of the party is "showboating".

'OVER A BARREL'
In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down
over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a
effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you
are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

'BARGE IN'
Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed
by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing
into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

'HOGWASH'
Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad
they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other
filth that was washed off was considered useless "hog wash".

'CURFEW'
The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which
means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing
out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as
"curfeu", which later became the modern "curfew". In the early
American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in
the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out
of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon
time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew".

'BARRELS OF OIL'
When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for
storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this
day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

'HOT OFF THE PRESS'
As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it
to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it is
hot. The expression means 'to get immediate information'.

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Fwd: A Very Delicate Corporate Matter

A Very Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company
were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the
junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors
seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him
squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,
"Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."
"Good, then you fire her !!!"

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Fwd: Origins of some of our strange customs

Origins of some of our strange customs ...

1. WHY:
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes
have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich.
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on
the right through holes on the left.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the
buttons on the maid's right!
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2. WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is
pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

3. WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'the egg.'
When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally),
mispronounced it 'love.'

4. WHY:
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X.
Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in
the document.
The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
BECAUSE:
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.
If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an
enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.
Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's
glass with his own.

7. WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light.
In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

8. WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
BECAUSE:
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain,
with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well
above worldly cares.

9. WHY:
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
BECAUSE:
When Mary, Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King
of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.'
He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed
it into caddie.

10. WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay
called 'pygg'.
When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as 'pygg banks.'
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container
that resembled a pig.
And it caught on.

And now you know the origins of some of our strange customs! ...

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Fwd: Prize winning message of the Year

Prize winning message of the Year ...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied -
"My husband's cheque book !!

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You Wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage:
At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD...
Later, somehow don't know why…
Alphabets get reversed...

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work,
Bring the last word to the the middle.!!!!

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me
- I want to be the only one in his life
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he
grabs and takes me everywhere he goes."
The Genie turned THE LADY into a IPhone 6

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Fwd: TESTICLES AND SNORING....

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.
Later that night,
her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused,

and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles..

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,

but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

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Fwd: Martha & the Cremated Husband ...

XXXX

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

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Fwd: Adult Puns!

XXXX ADULT PUNS

During workouts the gal really tried
To get shapely, and not be denied
The bondage and joys
With teenager boys.
You could say she was "fit to be tied."

At first, she resisted his gropes.
He felt bad, and it dashed all his hopes.
Her experience? Lots!
So she called all the shots,
Just because he had knot learned the ropes.

His tight-fitting pants she unzipped.
Into straps made of leather he slipped.
All her flagellating
Was like masturbating.
So she stopped, 'cause she knew he was whipped.

She was driving him out of his mind,
When she said, "I do think you will find
It is times just like these
That I do as I please.
After all, they're the ties that bind."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

I keep seeing advertisements on TV for 'male enhancement' pills.
Thanks just the same, but I'm one of those lucky guys who has no need
for that sort of thing.
I have a girlfriend with a really small vagina.

Confucius say:
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to
go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the
bed with legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do -- I laid her twice and smacked her
in the face!"

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a
handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.
As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs
whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.
"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find
someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on
it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should
she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar.
Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment.
"If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part
of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my
place and I'll show you."
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest
cock she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it,
then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back.
"That's how I got the hump on my back."

RED RIDING HOOD:
A Russian condom.

Zeke and Emmy Lou got married and had a new baby every year or less.
After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the doctor that they
were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured out what was
causing them.
The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before
they made love.
Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again, and the
doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested
they do.
Zeke said,
"We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the piano."

A girl in my high school class bought a bicycle and peddled it all over town.

Men are like vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

The learned judge looked down from the bench at the young woman who
was suing her husband for divorce.
"Your Honor," the young woman said, "I just can't live with my husband
anymore. He's a hobosexual."
"Just one moment," interrupted the judge, considerably confused.
"Don't you mean homosexual?"
"No, your Honor," insisted the woman. "I mean hobosexual. He's a bum lay!"

I made a date with a masochist who was starved for affliction,
But
She called to break the date because she was going to be tied up all night.

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Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

An adventurous lad from Kildare
Was screwing a girl on the stair.
The banister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

He: "I have a ten inch package!"
She: "I find that hard to swallow!"

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk
all over her.
If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

The witch couldn't conceive
Because
The wizard has crystal balls.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less
attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look
larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old --
As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were
making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they
spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
"Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground.
"Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with
little Miss Pretty, or we throw them both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.
The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake,
rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent.
Cletus entered and said,
"Now, little girl, you're going to find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

You tell when an auto mechanic just had sex.
One of his fingers is clean.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a
tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen -- the works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo -- what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

An employer gave his secretary a dress for her first week's salary.
The next week, he raised her salary.

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeballs to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night

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Fwd: The Shakespearean actor ...

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had
aged and could no longer remember his lines!
After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada ,
where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says,
"This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff
the rose deeply and then say the line,
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The Irish actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just
one finger he delivered the line,
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The Irish actor was bewildered
"What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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