Fwd: Some Jewish Jokes

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is
sitting between them.
The first Texan says,
"My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle
and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says,
"My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and
they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says,
"My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and says,
"300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing," says Irving.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as
always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
Congregation departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered
these words at him:
"You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied:
"I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned:
"Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back:
"I'm in the secret service."

A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says,
"I'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers,
"Esther ben Moshe."
The Rabbi says,
"No, I need YOUR name."
It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.
The man answers,
"I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service.
One leaned over and whispered,
"My tuchas is going to sleep. "
I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a
waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
little old lady and said,
"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking
erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered,
"Miracle, shmiracle. . . He gave me a longer cane."

The Italian says,
"I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says,
"I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says,
"I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says,
"I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jewish man says,
"I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide,
"Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the
famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.
"Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A cheque," replied the guide.

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they
lose race after race.
Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they
never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
on Harvard, the perennial championship team.
So, Morris Schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass., and hides in the bushes
next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team
at its daily practice.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva.
"Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.
"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.
"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

F I N E means Feelings Inside Not Expressed