Fwd: What is Confidence?

You have it?
What is confidence????


A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: "It is an uncrewed aircraft."
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a
different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he
replies: "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's
IT systems department, this plane won't even take off!!!! ."

That is called Confidence!!!

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Fwd: ODDS & ENDS

ODDS & ENDS

1. The Worst Slogan Translations Ever
2. The Racoon Coat
3. The Dead Mule
4. Good Sex For Golfers (Adult Content)
5. The Prom (Adult Content)


1.

THE WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS EVER

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read,
"It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in
an American campaign:
"Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan,
"It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as
"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in
Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read
"Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the
Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It
Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending
on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
2.

THE RACOON COAT

Back in the roaring twenties raccoon coats were the rage, especially
among the college set in the ivy league schools.
Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do.
It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really
be in style.
John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering
his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into
the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat.
He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or
would never make it at school.
After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a
beautiful coat on one condition.
The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during
the next four years.
If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John
would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own.
He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business.

John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications.
The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had
several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat.
They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs.
A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were
1,524,203 hairs.
The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to
Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count.

When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his
fellow students was soon to end.
Then he read the enclosed letter.
He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under
any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner.
After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed
it on the shelf in his closet.
He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the
courage to wear it until his senior year.

Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football.
He bought nine tickets to the game, three seats behind his, the seats
to either side, and the three seats in front.
He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his
beloved coat.
He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat.
Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it
had been for three years after carefully spending several hours
recounting the hairs.
All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake.
He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years.

During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet,
fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside.
He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny
stomach could hold.
He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto
the light fixture to get warm and have a nap.
The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count.
It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble.
There were only 1,524,202 hairs.
He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs.
All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst.
John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his
impending fate.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened.
He listened to the story in amazement.
As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad.

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
3.

THE DEAD MULE

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
And bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,
"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said,
"OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked,
"What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said,
"We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said,
"We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,
"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,
"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,
"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
4.

GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS -
Here are the Rules

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed
bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for
the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a
private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
5.

THE PROM

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a
date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her
brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he
will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that
his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this
is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at
the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh... all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some
place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both
of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each
other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.

"Hey... " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him
on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

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Fwd: Did You Know ...

Did You Know ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink.
If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best
or nothing".

The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
Something pleasing.
An average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,
But rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Read More...

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XXX ADULT PUNS

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the vicar: "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"

Two notoriously lascivious young women, Teri and Julie, were comparing
their experiences at the previous night's annual company Christmas
Party.
"Did you get laid, Teri?" asked Julie.
"Twice!" exclaimed Teri.
"Only twice?" said Julie.
"Yeah," explained Teri, "once by the band and once by the accounting
department."

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.

A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite
bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene.
Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said,
"I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."
Her husband sighed and said,
"All right, I'll stop doing it."

Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.

What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.

Two Columbia yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
'out-status' each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really
learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the
husband, "and the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or
it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.

Twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders are called:
A scrotum pole!

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian
couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

The difference between a chicken and a baby is a chicken is
The result of a sitting hen
While the baby is the result of standing cock.

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XXXX Adult Limericks.

A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.
*****

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
*****

I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
*****

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
*****

There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
*****

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

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Fwd: FW: Clinton

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck
and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.

He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
rare huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with
lipstick. '

What happened to you,' asked Hillary? 'Well,' the driver replied, 'the
farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine,and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!' 'My God, what
did you tell them?'
asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it. '

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Fwd: Male or Female?

Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.


TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.




EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.



The REMOTE CONTROL:
Female.
Ha!
You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Read More...

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Fwd: Indian English Sentence Construction

POOR GRAMMAR IN JOLLY OLD ENGLAND ......….…

These are extracts from letters sent to the Leicester Council and
other British Housing associations written by members of Indian ethnic
groups.
1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in my back passage. And their 18-year-old
son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew
them off.
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
6. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the
kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the
rest are plain filthy.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
8. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.
11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
12 .Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of
me every night.
14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

Read More...

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Fwd: EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of
a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
Charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Was elbows!

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Fwd: Today's Quotes

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I
will stop telling the truth about them."
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

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Hollywood Squares Remembered...

These have been around before but they always make me laugh.
I hope you get a chuckle or two!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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Retirement Benefits

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1..
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3..
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5..
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7..
Things you buy now will
never wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9..

You can live without most things
but not your glasses.

10..
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12..
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14..
Your eyes won't get
much worse..

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16..
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18..
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!

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Adult Themes Jokes

(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!

(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he
wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in
monthly installment.'

(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does
anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one
to brush mum's teeth.'

(5) 4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and
frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and
enlarge it.'

(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.

(10) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.

(11) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

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WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE STUPID, READ THIS!

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10. You wake up at 3am. To go to the bathroom, and check your email on
the way back to bed.

09. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

08. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

07. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.

06. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.

05. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com….

04. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

03. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

02. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

And the No. 1 sign that you know it's time to join e-mailers anonymous:

01. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

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Two nuns and a dog

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your
dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

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