Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Fwd: Interesting Golf Statistics

1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th
hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass.

2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a
monstrous 375 feet.

3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed.

He learned to play golf by mirroring his father's golf swing, and
he has used left handed golf clubs ever since.

4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one
in 67 million.

5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years old.

6. Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a
club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer
for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.

7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International
Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.

8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in
Morococha , Peru , which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its
lowest point.

9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the
Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan . It measures an
incredible 909 yards.

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the
585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey .

11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par
6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts , with an area in
excess of 28,000 square feet.

12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62mph; 96mph
for an average LPGA professional; 84mph for an average male golfer;
108mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130mph for Tiger Woods;
148-152mph for a national long drive champion.

13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with
feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest.
Feather balls were used until 1848.

15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was
five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton , Colorado , in
1975.

16. 22.8% of golfers are women.

17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens
wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.

18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While
playing 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which
became "birdie" over time.

19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden".
This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the
Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this
was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to
"golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved
into the word we know today.

20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap --- 80% of all golfers
will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.

Read More...

Monday, August 26, 2013

The English Gentlemen

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the
following group of people are shipwrecked :-


2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman



One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the
Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English
aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

Read More...

Brig n the lady

Brigadier Preston-Jago of the Royal Army Maintenance Corps was
undergoing a court-martial for an incident where he was found to be
chasing a young lady through the hallways of the Grafton Hotel,
Catterick, Yorkshire, England, in which they were both residing.
Neither of them were wearing any clothing whatsoever.
The main charge was that of "being out of uniform."
The Brigadier's lawyer, a clever cove, argued that the officer was not
"out of uniform", as the regulations read, 'An Army officer must be at
all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is
engaged.'

Brigadier Preston-Jago was acquitted

Read More...

Wife DOES NOT WORK

Conversation between a Husband (H) and a Psychologist (P):

P : What do you do for a living Mr. Bandy ?
H : I work as an Accountant in a Bank.

P : Your Wife ?
H : She doesn't work. She's a Housewife only.

P : Who makes breakfast for your family in the morning?
H : My Wife, because she doesn't work.

P : At what time does your wife wake up for making breakfast?
H : She wakes up at around 5 am because she cleans the house first before
making breakfast.

P : How do your kids go to school?
H : My wife takes them to school, because she doesn't work.

P : After taking your kids to school, what does she do ?
H : She goes to the market, then goes back home for cooking and laundry. You
know, she doesn't work.

P : In the evening, after you go back home from office, what do you do ?
H : Take rest, because I'm tired due to all day work.

P : What does your wife do then ?
H : She prepares meals, serving our kids, preparing meals for me and
cleaning the dishes, cleaning the house, then taking kids to bed.

Who do you think works more, from the story above ???

The daily routines of your wives commence from early morning to late night.
That is called 'DOESN'T WORK' ??!!

Yes, Being Homemakers do not need Certificate of Study, even High Position,
but their ROLE/PART is very important!

Appreciate your wives. Because their sacrifices are uncountable. This should
be a reminder and reflection for all of us to understand and appreciate each
others roles.

All about a WOMAN ....


* When she is quiet, millions of things are running in her mind.

* When she stares at you, she is wondering why she loves you so much in
spite of being taken for granted.

* When she says I will stand by you, she will stand by you like a rock.

Never hurt her or take her wrong or for granted...


Forward to every woman to make her smile and to every man to make him
realize a woman's worth...!!!

Read More...

Dating a Chinese girl...

Always try to understand what others are saying in their context! Don't jump
to conclusions!

I asked a Chinese girl if she would come out with me for a date and I asked
her telephone number so that I could call her.

She got all excited and said:
"SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TO NIGHT"
... wow I thought am in for a treat !

but then, my friend told me what she really meant was
"6 6 6 3 6 2 9"

Read More...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Adam

God Said, Adam "I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Read More...

Fwd: WORD SCRABBLE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Read More...

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Garage sale

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a
retirement village. On the front lawn were six old
ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement
village with the same six old ladies lying naked
on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and
I went inside to talk to the retirement village
administrator and ask her "Do you know there
are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn ?"

Yes, she said, "Aren't they darlings? They're
retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale"

Read More...

XXX ADULT PUNS

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: FARID Abdelcader <farid@sltnet.lk>
Date: Wed, Aug 21, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Subject: ADULT PUNS
To: undisclosed-recipients@sltnet.lk


ADULT PUNS

"Go to father," she said,
When he asked her to wed,
And she knew that he knew that her father was dead,
And she knew that he knew what a life he had led,
So she knew that he knew what she meant as she said,
"Go to father."



Texas makes me think of the old slogan
"Remember the Alamo."
It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put
his wife, of all people, on the battle line.
She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from
the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo
knee.

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so
they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon
So they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true."
She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied
"Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true."
Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied
"Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

"How do you spell clitoris?"
"I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago."

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped
off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and
eating fruits and berries.
She says,
"Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says,
"I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?"
He says,
"It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

Jewish girls have gold diaphragms so they can tell their fathers that their
boyfriends are cumming into money!

Little Johnny and his dad are walking in the park when they pass two dogs
having intercourse.
"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asks Little Johnny.
His dad explains,
"Well, son, the one on top hurt his foot, and his friend is carrying him
home."
Little Johnny looks back at the dogs and remarks,
"Geez, ain't that just like a friend? You try to help him out and he screws
you every time!"

Bambi could never have been a mother If her hart hadn't been in the right
place (Alan F. G. Lewis)

Albert Einstein married his cousin after he had postulated that men have a
special attraction to the breasts of women in their own family.
He titled this his 'Theory of Relative Titty'.

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite!

Read More...

The rich milkman..

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his
wife and the nurse.


He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."


To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los
Angeles Plaza."


"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center
offices".


And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your
husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his
properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"



The wife retorts,"Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the
routes where he delivers milk!!"

Read More...

Clapping

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South
Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the
audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children,
every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun
violence.' Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced
the quiet and said, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!

Read More...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Other daddy

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just
don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always
leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like how my other
Daddy does ?"

Read More...

Two liners

GOA RADIO ORGANISED A COMPETITION OF A TWO-LINE POEM, IN WHICH THE FIRST
LINE MUST BE THE MOST ROMANTIC, BUT THE SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE.

This was the winner sent by Joao Caitan :
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of urrak, one part lime ! ;

Read More...

Friday, August 09, 2013

XXX LEWINSKY vs KACZYNSKI Courtesy of Mr.CALVIN FERNANDO

The Washington Post Runs A Weekly Contest In Its Style Section Called

The 'Style Invitational'.

The Requirements This Week Were To Use The Words 'Lewinsky'

(The Intern gWas Giving 'Personal Assistance' To President Clinton In
The White House)

And 'Kaczynski' (The Unabomber Who Sent Bombs In The Mail) In The Same Limerick
As A Play On Words.

The Winning Entries (Below) Were Actually Printed Verbatim In This
Very Popular Newspaper, Without Bleeps Or Alterations Of Any Kind.



Third Place:

There Once Was A Girl Named Lewinsky

Who Played On A Flute Like Stravinsky

Twas 'Hail to the Chief'

On This Flute Made Of Beef

That Stole The Front Page From Kaczynski.



Second Place:

Said Clinton To Young Ms. Lewinsky,

We Don't Want To Leave Clues Like Kaczynski,

Since You Made Such A Mess,

Use The Hem Of Your Dress

And Please Wipe That Stuff Off Your Chinsky.



And The Winning Entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski Must Surely Have Known,

That An Intern Is Better

Than A Bomb In A Letter

When Deciding How Best To Be Blown.

Read More...

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Gardening with grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through
blouse on, and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not
to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up. Grandma! These
are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show' and out she goes.



The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.



Happy Gardening.

(This is too funny not to share!)



Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

Read More...

weekly jokes

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
Concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Read More...

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Politically incorrect but Alphabetically correct

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and
speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry things have come to this stage ladies and gentlemen, but
unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the
aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.

Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to
have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the
letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"

There was no answer so the pilot calls,
"Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.."
Colored…are there any colored people on board?"
Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said,
"Mum, ain't we African?
...... Ain't we black?
.......Ain't we colored?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers.

Let them do the Americans...and the Australians first,

.........then the Bhutanese, ............the British,

the Burmese,. ..the Canadians , the Chinese......
in that order......
till they reach the Sri Lankans, the Vatican & then Zambia
After that...
if the plane still needs more jettisoning...we is Zulus".

.....O.K?

Read More...

Monday, August 05, 2013

The Little Red Hen - version 2012

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They
wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No,
I shall eat all five loaves."


"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around
the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came He said to the little red hen, "You must not be
so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the
Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so
long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?

Read More...

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Birth control

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at
the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was,
"The rhythm method". "That will work," said the counsellor, "but only if
you keep a good record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using
birth control pills" she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as
you don 't forget to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told
her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a
specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used
the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am,
going to have a baby."'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The
birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the
bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what
the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has
worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers ....
"I kick the bucket out from under him".

Read More...

Friday, August 02, 2013

Nonsense Generation

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and
he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had
long chats on whatsapp,he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2
months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes
daddy ..................

Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy
your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your
husband.... sell him on amazon.

Read More...

Thursday, August 01, 2013

When you get old..

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts
on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send
her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a
friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:


I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

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"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest
caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with
my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce
issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator that suddenly emerged
from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must
have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I
would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator
got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk
pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... The amount I
saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

Read More...